Chrono Cross Road Trip
by Al Kristopher
Summary: What happens when you take everything wholesome, sacred, and good about Chrono Cross and dash it on the rocks of hilarity? The funniest--if not weirdest--road trip! Rated PG for overly-excessive comic violence and subtle sexual innuendo.
1. Life is a Journey

Once upon a time, in the quiet village of Marbule... there lived a mermaid named Irenes. Irenes was a beautiful and intelligent sea siren, and was very happy living in Marbule. The Time Devourer was gone and peace could once again be achieved.  
One day, as Irenes was taking a midnight swim, a large rock plopped into the water. Irenes thought this was a strange event, so she dove down and picked the rock up, bringing it to the surface. A note was tied to it, and although the writing was blurred because of the water, Irenes could still see the words. Immediately after she finished reading it, she dropped the rock, got out of the water, and raced outside of Marbule.  
  


General Viper stood there, his arms crossed with pride. A great big smile creased over his mouth as he saw his dragoons help rebuild Viper Manor. Suddenly, one of the orphaned children that was staying there came running up, squealing nonsensically. He showed "Unky Viper" a letter, then scampered off into the distance. Viper took one look at the words before crumbling up the sheet of paper, and rushed off to tell his dragoons the news.  
  


Guile sighed, steadily becoming bored. He had long ago given up on the Sudden Death game (he kept on winning), and the Grand Slam was wearing thin, so the only thing left to do on the S. S. Zelbess was to sit and sip at his drink. Miki strolled by his table, inconspicuously dropping a letter where Guile sat. He picked it up, read it, and left his table. Before Guile left, he bumped into Nikki, Miki, Janice, and Sneff, who had also received a letter.  
  


On these letters were written two words, just two words. But these two words changed anyone who ever gazed upon them. These two words forged new paths, opened new doors, and welcomed new challenges. The words that were on the letters were simple and short, yet those two words sparked adventure, excitement, romance, love, and every other human emotion ever conceived. The words that were on the letter were, in a way, revolutionary.  
  


Serge carefully gazed at the letter he had received, unsure as to what it meant. He consulted Leena, Poshul, Radius, and anyone else he thought would know. They had all received letters, and once Serge finally understood what the two words meant, he knew what he had to do.  
  


Korcha ran into the bar as fast as he could, plopped down a note, and ran out again. Orlha stood there, a confused look on her face. She picked up the letter and gasped. Orcha noticed the letter and asked what it was about. She showed him the letter, and Orcha gasped as well. Then, Orcha and Orlha joined Korcha, Steena, Mel, and Macha, and set out on...  
  
  
**_The Chrono Cross Road Trip_**

By Al Kristopher

  
  
"Settle down now, people!" said Norris, waving his hands. Nobody heard him, and if they did, they certainly didn't settle down.  
"I have ta go to the bathroom!" shrieked Karsh. Nobody heard him either.  
"Everybody? Please?" repeated Norris meekly. Nobody did anything. Zoah finally pushed Norris aside, bellowing "SILENCE!" before letting Norris have the pulpit again. Nobody spoke a word.  
"Somebody threw a rock through my window!" shouted Skelly.  
"I know you are all wondering about the letters," said Norris.  
"Not really," replied Nikki. "I mean, we know what a road trip is!"  
"Like, totally!" sniffed Marcy. Norris sighed.  
"Okay. But before we go, who wants to drive?" Nobody moved a muscle.  
"I found a bus on the way over here," said Orlha.  
"All right, then we will use that. But who is going to _drive_?" Nobody moved a muscle.  
"Starky waant to driive, Norris!" squealed Starky.  
"Nonsense," cried Radius, "you are too short." Starky growled.  
"I guess I will be driving," shrugged Norris. Everyone cheered and rushed over to the bus that Orlha had found, flattening Norris in the process. "Ouch," he said flatly.  
"Shotgun!" screamed Marcy.  
"Shotgun!" screamed Leah.  
"Shotgun!" screamed Mel.  
"Shotgun!" screamed Harle.  
"Shotgun!" screamed Leena.  
"Shotgun!" screamed Kid.  
"Shotgun!" shouted Miki as she saw Norris pointing his gun. Everybody was quiet in a second, and Norris picked Riddel to be shotgun. Karsh sneered and brandished his axe, so Norris apologized and made Razzly shotgun. Everybody then more or less found a seat on the large bus, and soon they were off, on...  
  


****

The Chrono Cross Road Trip  
...(I hope I don't have to type that out a lot)  
  
  
**PART ONE: LIFE IS A JOURNEY**  


"Hold on a second there, lad," said Zappa after Norris had started the bus. "Do ya ave' any idea as to where yir goin'?" Norris thought about it.  
"No I do not, Master Zappa. Ask Razzly."  
"Aye, ah will! Razzly, do ya ave' any idea as to where we're goin'?"  
"No I don't, Mister Zappa. Ask Mr. Owl."  
"Aye, ah will! Mr. Owl, ow' many licks does it take to git to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?" Mr. Owl thought about it.  
"Let's find out," he crowed, before stealing Marcy's Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop. He licked it three times. "One, two-hoo, three..." and then bit into it. He returned the stick to Marcy. "Three," he replied.  
"I hate you, Mr. Owl! I hate Mr. Turtle too, but I REALLY HATE YOU!!!!!"  
"Ach, it seems as if the lass hates ye, Mr. Owl!" chuckled Zappa. Mr. Owl frowned and flew out the window.  
"Way to go, Marcy," sneered Leena. "Now we'll never know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop!"  
"Who frickin' cares?" she roared, flailing her arms. Irenes put a hand on Marcy's shoulder.  
"Calm down now, Marcy," she whispered in a thick accent. Marcy promised to behave for the time being.  
"Sir Norris, where-th art we going-eth?" asked Turnip. Zappa jumped.  
"Ach, ah nearly forgot! Ah was gonna ask ye that same question, but ah got distracted!"  
"I do not know, Master Zappa. Ask Razzly."  
"Aye, ah will! Razzly, do ye ave' any idea as to where we're goin'?"  
"No I do not, Mr. Zappa. Ask Mr. Owl."  
"Aye, ah will!" Suddenly, Zappa stopped himself. "Ach! Donna start that again!"  
"So where are we going?" asked Leena. Norris shrugged.  
"I am open for suggestions."  
"Let's go see the world's biggest ball of yarn," said Radius.  
"LET'S GO TO THE WWF TOURNAMENT," boomed Zoah.  
"I wanna go home," whined Mel.  
"Let us go see Paree, non?" asked Pierre and Harle.  
"I want to get Tony Bennet's heart that he left in San Francisco," said Miki.  
"Grobyc-wants-to-visit-New-York."  
"I wanna go see the world's largest Jell-O mold!" squealed Skelly.  
"Leah want go ice-skating!" cried Leah.  
"Monster truck rally!" said Leena.  
"Monster truck rally!" said Orcha.  
"Zzzz," said Serge.  
"I still want to see the world's biggest ball of yarn," said Radius sadly. Norris pulled over at a rest stop.  
"I have a better idea," he announced. "Let us take a vote."  
  


VOTING RESULTS  
World's biggest ball of yarn: 1 vote  
WWF Tournament: 1 vote  
Home: 1 vote  
Paris: 2 votes  
San Francisco: 1 vote  
New York: 1 vote  
World's largest Jell-O mold: 1 vote  
Ice-skating: 1 vote  
Monster truck rally: 2 votes  
Zzzz: 1 vote  
Don't care: 33 votes  
  


"The votes have been cast," said Norris. "And the winner is... 'Do not care'!" Nobody cheered. Radius grew very sad and wished that Mr. Owl was here. "Okay, so... nobody cares where we go?"  
"I do," replied Radius.  
"I mean, nobody at all? Nobody? Not a single soul?" asked Norris.  
"I do!" replied Radius.  
"Who's getting married?" asked Greco.  
"Nobody is getting married," replied Leena. "Are they?"  
"I want to marry Serge!" squealed Harle. Leena and Kid growled, and soon the three of them were in a growling match.  
"Let's go to England!" suggested NeoFio.  
"Let's go to Germany!" suggested Luccia.  
"Let's goo to-om Japan!" suggested Mojo. Nobody could agree on where to go!  
"I've got an idea," said Doc. "Let's go surfing! Gnarly, no?"  
"I'd like to visit the Lourve," said Van.  
"I wanna go to Spain," said Orcha.  
"China," said Steena.  
"_Vegas_!" cried Sneff. Everyone suddenly became silent, staring back at him.  
"Yeah!" said Starky, bouncing up and down. "Let's goo to Laas Vegaas!" Everybody liked the idea and was glad that Sneff finally did something useful.  
"Well then, let us go!" said Norris, packing everybody up in the bus. He took off, throwing dust and wind off in the road.  
  


"Hold on! Hold on! Wait for me!" Janice hopped down the trail as fast as she could, but the bus had long ago left her at the rest stop. "Aww, man! What am I gonna do now?" she sighed, hanging her head. Suddenly, a light went on her head, and a grin crept on her face. Janice stood, puffed out her chest, and stuck her thumb out for all the world to see.  
  


"How many miles is it to Las Vegas, Norris?" asked Macha. Norris shrugged.  
"I do not know, Ms. Macha. Ask Razzly."  
"All right. Razzly, how many miles is it to Las Vegas?"  
"I do not know, Ms. Macha. Ask Mr. Owl."  
"All right. Mr. Owl, how many miles does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll Center of a Tootsie Pop?"  
"Let's find out," said Mr. Owl. He then proceeded to hop out the window, knelt down on the pavement, and started licking. "One, two-hoo, three..." Mr. Owl then bit into the highway, spitting out gravel and asphalt. "Three."  
  


"Darn, now we'll never know how many miles it takes," sighed Leena. "And I bet it's all Marcy's fault!"  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"Will you two shut up?" roared Funguy. They did so. One minute passed in silence.  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"Do you two even know what you are arguing about?" asked Riddel calmly. Marcy and Leena stared at her, confused looks on their faces.  
"Something about a cow?" said Leena.  
"No, it was a cracker!"  
"A cow!"  
"A cracker!"  
"A cow!"  
"A cracker!"  
"A cow!"  
"A cracker!"  
"A cow!"  
"A cracker!"  
"A cow!"  
"A cracker!"  
"SILENCE!!!" roared Zoah, and Marcy and Leena never spoke anything about cows, crackers, or Mr. Owl ever again...  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"Woo-hoo!" squealed Janice, leaping up and down. A semi-truck had just pulled up, slowing down so she could finally get a ride. The door popped open, and Janice leaped up into the chair. "Hi! My name's Janice, and I'm going to Vegas!" Suddenly, the driver turned his head, sneering at the bunny-girl with a perverse stare.  
"You wanna see a dead body?" he cackled. Janice screamed and bolted out of the truck, running as fast as she could. The man kept cackling, cackling, cackling, until his voice ceased to echo in Janice's head...  
  


__

Meanwhile-meanwhile...  
  


"Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall!"  
"Who asked Skelly to sing?" asked Funguy. "Was it you, Greco?"  
"Why are you asking me?" he asked.  
"Dost thou mind-eth?" asked Turnip.  
"Can you go a bit faster?" asked Riddel.  
"Who stole my cheesecake?" asked Doc.  
"Are we there yet?" asked Mel.  
"Why is de bathwoom always wocked?" asked Pip.  
"DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE LAS VEGAS IS?" asked Zoah.  
"...?" asked Serge.  
"Isn't that a lovely tree?" asked Radius.  
"I'm hungry," stated Korcha. Everyone gasped, and Norris brought the bus to a screeching halt.  
"You did not ask a question!" he shouted, nearly foaming at the mouth. "You have ruined the game!"  
"Game? What game?" asked Korcha.  
"Oh, now yer askin' questions, eh?" snarled Fargo.  
"Is something wrong with that?" asked Korcha.  
"WhatCHA problem, boy?" asked Macha.  
"Isn't that a lovely tree?" asked Radius.  
"Are we there yet?" asked Mel.  
"Sprigg, did you steal my cheesecake?" asked Doc.  
"Nope!" Everyone gasped, staring at Sprigg. Norris grumbled.  
"You ruined the game, Sprigg!" he shouted. Sprigg brushed him off and continued napping. Orcha suddenly jumped in his seat.  
"No jumping in the seat," said General Viper. Orcha suddenly jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seat," said General Viper. Orcha suddenly jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seat," said General Viper. Orcha suddenly jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seat," said General Viper. Orcha suddenly jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seat," said General Viper. Orcha suddenly jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seat," said General Viper. Orcha suddenly jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seat," said General Viper. Orcha suddenly jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seat," said General Viper. Orcha suddenly jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seat," said General Viper. Orcha suddenly jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seat," said General Viper. Orcha suddenly jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seat," said General Viper. Orcha suddenly jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seat," said General Viper. Orcha suddenly jumped in his seat.  
"What is it, Orcha?" asked Razzly.  
"I see a hotel over there!" he pointed. "We can get some rest, CHA."  
"Gut. I am very tired," yawned Luccia.  
"Are we there yet?" asked Mel.  
  


General Viper wrote down everybody's name in the sign-in book. The men would be on the first floor, the women would be on the second floor, and everyone who wasn't sure was on the third floor.  
"Aren't we missing someone?" asked Razzly. All the women shrugged.  
"Not to my knowledge," replied Riddel. Everybody shrugged the idea off and said goodnight to everybody else.  
  


"I MUST WARN YOU ALL," said Zoah before going to bed, "I SNORE."  
"He does," said Karsh warily. "And he sleeps in his underwear."  
"That's the only thing he wears, Karsh!" replied Guile. Zoah crossed his arms and fell asleep. When he fell, the whole hotel shook and the manager asked Zoah to sleep outside. Zoah fell asleep on the bus and broke a seat, so Norris asked Zoah to only _slide_ to sleep instead of falling. Zoah slid to sleep inside the bus and everything was peachy keen.  
  
But they could still hear him snoring.  
  


That morning...  
  


"The horror," shivered Van, his eyes bloodshot and baggy. "The horror..."  
"All night, the snoring, the snoring, the snoring," mumbled Glenn. "The snoring..."  
"I SLEPT FINE," said Zoah, stretching himself out. He could already smell breakfast. "WHO'S COOKING?"  
"Orcha," said Macha.  
"Macha," said Orcha.  
"Isn't that a lovely tree?" asked Radius.  
"Be quiet!" lisped Poshul. "We're not praying that game anymore!" Radius grew very sad and wished that Mr. Owl was here.  
"I'm going to find out who's cooking," said General Viper, walking past Orcha and Macha. General Viper then walked into the kitchen.  
"Stay out of the kitchen," said Funguy. Viper grew very mad and stormed into the kitchen. "I told you to stay out!" said Funguy. Viper became enraged and entered the kitchen. "Stop coming into the kitchen!" said Funguy. Viper got upset and crawled into the kitchen. "GET OUT!" demanded Funguy. Viper blew his top and walked in again. "I told you to stop doing that!" said Funguy. Viper became enraged…  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"Hey Janice! Have you ever, like, killed someone before?"  
"What do you think, buster!?" she cried. She sniffed, laying down her cards. "Twenty."  
"I've got four," said George.  
"Gin," said Herbert.  
"I've got fourteen," said Walker.  
"I've got twenty-two," said Bush.  
"I've got eighteen," said Junior.  
"Woo-hoo!" squealed Janice. "I win!" Everybody groaned.  
"So," said Walker, "have you?"  
"Have I what?"  
"Ever killed someone before?"  
"Gin," said Herbert.  
"Shut up, you!" said Bush.  
  


__

Meanwhile-meanwhile...  
  


"Stay out of the kitchen," said Funguy. Viper frowned and burst into the kitchen. "Stop coming in here!" said Funguy. Viper got mad and walked into the kitchen. "Will you stop?" said Funguy. Viper became angry and slid through the kitchen door. "GET OOOOOOOOOOUT!!!!" roared Funguy. Viper walked into the kitchen. "Leave!" said Funguy.  
  


He did just that.  
  


That afternoon, as Doc and Norris were walking outside, Doc noticed something odd.  
"Dude, where's your bus?"  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"Hey, who's that?" asked John.  
"Oh, that? That's me grandfather," replied Paul.  
"Oh."  
"He's a very clean man, isn't he?" asked George.  
"No, not that-that, that-that!" pointed John. Paul looked at Janice.  
"Oh, that? I have no idea."  
"I'm Janice, remember?" said Janice.  
"Nice to meet you, Janice!" said Ringo, shaking her hand.  
"So, who are you guys again?" she asked, and the four of them looked at each other.  
"It's gonna be a long and winding road," said Paul.  
  


__

Meanwhile-meanwhile...  
  


"I'm serious, dude! Where's the bus?"  
"I do not know, Doc. Let us ask Zoah."  
"Yeah! He was the last one that saw it!" So Doc and Norris went back inside the hotel to search for Zoah. He was in the Rec Room, playing Foosball with Pierre.  
"I shall defeat you, monsieur Zoah!" sang Pierre. Zoah cursed, flipping his levers like mad. Pierre scored another goal, leaving Zoah to fume. "Ah lala, monsieur Zoah! Vous cannot win against moi, oui?" Zoah growled and went off to play air hockey with Leah. Leah kicked his butt so he tried a street-fighting game with Mojo. Mojo kicked the crap out of Zoah (even though he didn't have fingers), so Zoah decided to play pool with a few of the others. Sprigg was winning so Zoah quit that and went to play checkers with Draggy. Draggy whipped Zoah stupid so he went to play chess with Starky. Starky won without even blinking so Zoah played darts with Harle. Harle creamed Zoah so Zoah decided to arm-wrestle Glenn. Zoah did not lose.  
"HA! I AM THE CHAMPION!" he roared. Glenn rubbed his wrist gingerly.  
"Yeah, whatever," he mumbled. Glenn then went on to beat Pierre, Leah, Mojo, Sprigg, Draggy, Starky, and Harle.  
"Hey, Zoah!" called Doc. Zoah snapped out of his moment of victory to lumber over to where Doc and Norris were.  
"YES?"  
"Dude, where's the bus?" asked Doc. Zoah paused.  
"I... DON'T KNOW..."  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"Woo-hoo! I'm touring with the Beatles!" squealed Janice. "But I thought John Lennon and George Harrison were dead!"  
"We're not," insisted John.  
"Yes we are, stupid," replied George.  
"I'm not," insisted John.  
"Whatever you say, John," replied Paul.  
"Well, I'm not," insisted John.  
"Sure," replied Ringo.  
"I'm not!" insisted John.  
"Hey guys, where are we going first in this Magical Mystery Tour?" asked Janice.  
"Greenwich," said George. Janice gasped.  
"But I'm going to Vegas!"  
"He's only fooling there, Janice!" said Ringo. "We're not going to Greenwich!"  
"That's right," replied Paul. "We're going to St. Petersburg."  
"N-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  


__

Meanwhile-meanwhile...  
  


"I found the bus," said Orlha. "A bunch of evil shriners took it but I brought it back."  
"Hoorrray for Orrrlha!" cried Draggy. "We should let herrr drrrive!"  
"Now, let us not get too hasty," said Norris with a worried look on his face.  
"Pleeeeeeease, Norris?" asked Orlha, twirling her pigtails. "_Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease_?"  
"Okay," said Norris. Orlha leaped in the air and thanked Norris.  
"Thank you, Norris!" she exclaimed. She got on the bus first.  
"EVERYBODY GET ON THE BUS!" shouted Zoah. Everybody got on the bus.  
"Wow, they actually obey you, Zoah," said Norris. Zoah nodded.  
"I HAVE A WAY WITH PEOPLE." Orlha started the bus, gave Razzly the thumbs-up, and revved out of the hotel parking lot.  
  


"Hey guys," said Orlha two seconds later, "where's Las Vegas?"  
  
  
  


"Seventy-two bottles of beer on the wall, seventy-two bottles of beer, you take one down, pass it around, seventy-one bottles of beer on the wall!" sang Skelly. Glenn covered his ears.  
"Why doesn't somebody shut him up?" he cringed.  
"Isn't that a lovely tree?" asked Radius.  
"Dude, I swear... if somebody stole my cheesecake, they'd better admit it!" said Doc.  
"Wasn't me," said Draggy, bits of coconut cream pie spewing from his mouth.  
"Wasn't me," replied Nikki, a pizza jammed in his mouth.  
"Hmmy hmnny," mumbled Leah. She swallowed the marshmallows that were in her mouth.  
"Chubby bunny," said Steena, her mouth stuffed with marshmallows.  
"...," said Serge, who had lost the game long ago.  
"I know where Vegas is," said Sneff. He walked up to the front of the bus, but accidentally tripped and fell, straining his back again. "Oh nooooooooo!"  
"His back went out again," observed Korcha. He marked another talley to his long list.  
"Where ith it, Thneff?" lisped Poshul.  
"O-owww, m-my back..." hacked Sneff. Poshul poked him, but he wouldn't respond, so she went about her business.  
"Dude, you need help?" asked Doc.  
"Sorry... my back went out again," coughed Sneff. "But I know where Vegas is! I've been there beffore!"  
"Where is it, Sneff?" asked Orlha.  
"O-ouuuch, m-my back..." he groaned.  
"Sixty-four bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-four bottles of beer..."  
"One, five, six, ninety, four, eight, sixty-seven," said Karsh, trying to make Skelly lose his place.  
"Hey man, that's totally uncool!" sneered Skelly. Karsh smirked. "Now where was I? Oh yeah! Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall..."  
"Aaauuuuggggghhhh!!!!"  
  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"Okay you guys! I've got this mystery by the horns!" squealed Janice. "I accuse Mrs. White of killing Mr. Boddy with the candlestick in the conservatory!" She peeked at the cards, let out a "N-OOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!", and slumped down in defeat.  
"I told you," said Paul. "It was Mean Mr. Mustard!"  
"You're both wrong! It was Professor Plum!" replied George.  
"Gin," said Herbert.  
"How'd he get here?" asked Janice. Nobody knew.  
  
  
_Meanwhile-meanwhile..._  
  


"Have I ever told any o' you how much I hate the Rocky films?" asked Karsh.  
"I love that movie!" exclaimed Greco.  
"Well I hated it, all of them!" sneered Karsh.  
"My kung-fu is better than yours!" shouted Greco, suddenly jumping in his seat.  
"No jumping in the seat," said General Viper.  
"Not again," mumbled Fargo.  
"Oh yeah?! Bring it on, ya Luchador!" growled Karsh. Greco leaped after Karsh, and the two began to fight right on the bus.  
"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" chanted the passengers. Orcha jumped in his seat.  
"No jumping in the seat," said General Viper.  
"Not again," mumbled Fargo.  
"Isn't that a lovely tree?" asked Radius.  
"Nobody cares about the stupid tree, Radius!" shouted Guile. Radius grew very sad and wished that Mr. Owl was around.  
"Hey, break it up, you two!" shouted Orlha, pulling the bus over. Greco and Karsh apologized and promised to behave themselves. "That's better." Orlha started up the bus again, and continued driving.  
"Ith your back better now, Thneff?" lisped Poshul.  
"Right as rain, thanks to Doc!" grinned Sneff. He stood up and walked across the bus, standing over Orlha. "Las Vegas is thattaway!" he pointed, and Orlha turned the bus in the direction Sneff was pointing.  
"Thanks, Sneff!" she said. Suddenly, the blaring of sirens could be heard.  
"Uh-oh," said Starky, "wee are aboout to bee arresteed!" Orlha pulled the bus over, letting the police car catch up. The police officer, Sergeant Peppor, waddled over and handed Orlha a ticket.  
"T-this is for shakin' at speeds higher than you should go," he said. Orlha took the ticket and paid Sgt. Peppor the five Gil fee. "Th-thanks, missy! D-drive safely, now!"  
"I will," nodded Orlha.  
"Why were wee not arresteed?" asked Starky. Sgt. Peppor noticed Starky.  
"Aha!" he pointed. "Illegal aliens! Shakin'! N-now I can finally earn my promotion!"  
"Uh-oh! Starky goot us iin trouuble!" whined Starky. Sgt. Peppor grinned and placed everybody in the bus under arrest for carrying an illegal alien.  
  
  


"Way to go, Starky," grumbled Harle. "Now we are in prison, non?"  
"Starky soorry. Starky noot waant us to geet arresteed."  
"That's okay," said NeoFio. "We love you anyway, Starky."  
"Thanks!" squealed Starky, bouncing up and down. Suddenly, Zoah bashed the walls down.  
"Jaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiillll brrrreeeeeeaaaaak!!!!!!!!!!!" roared Karsh, bashing his way through the walls. Everybody soon escaped from prison, leaving Sgt. Peppor without his promotion.  
  
  
_Meanwhile_...  
  


"I don't want to go to St. Petersburg!" whined Janice.  
"You'll go there and you'll like it," replied George. Janice whimpered.  
"But I don't _wanna_!"  
"Why not?" Janice whispered why in George's ear. "Oh."  
"Yeah!"  
"But we've already made reservations," said John.  
"Well, if you drop me off, I'm sure to find others who'll let me ride with them!" The four of them agreed and let Janice off whenever they could. Janice looked up, a mask of fear on her otherwise cheerful face.  
"Oh no," she shuddered. "I'm in _Canada_!"  
  


__

Meanwhile-meanwhile...  
  


Our heroes finally made it to another hotel, where they stayed the night before continuing. Little did they realize that they too, were headed in the wrong way! (Well, actually, they did realize it. I mean, if you're going the wrong way, then you're bound to notice, right?)  
"Dis ist not Las Vegas," pointed Irenes. "Dis ist Disneyvorld!"  
"What's your point?" asked Van. "I've always wanted to go to Disneyvorld! I mean, Disneyworld. Sorry."  
"I thought we were going to Vegas," said Guile. Sneff nodded.  
"I guess I don't know the way."  
"Let's ask for directions," suggested Nikki, walking over to Donald Duck. Everyone else went their own separate ways, leaving Mojo all by himself.  
"I will go-om look foor Mickey Moouse," he said to himself. He took a step backwards, puncturing his nail on something. Steena screamed.  
"You murdered a Dwarf!" she pointed. Mojo tried to look innocent, and soon, everyone was laughing heartily.


	2. Dysfunction in Disneyvorld

****

PART TWO: DYSFUNCTION IN DISNEYVORLD  


Adventures in Disneyvorld--erm, Disneyworld, Part One: Pete's Dragoon  
  


"Get outta my sight, Pinocchio!" snarled Karsh, punching the poor wooden puppet in the face. Pinocchio flew several feet, crashing into the Dumbo Ride.  
"Uh-oh!" sang Marcy. "You're in trouble now, Karsh!"  
"Aw, shaddup!" he sneered before getting on the teacup ride.  
"WHEEEEE!" squealed Zoah, flailing his arms. Marcy covered her face in shame.  
"You two are like, so immature!"  
"Wheeeeeeee!" shouted General Viper.  
"Wheeeeeeee!" shouted Karsh.  
"Vheeeeeeee!" shouted Luccia.  
"Whee," said Grobyc.  
"Achoo," said Glenn.  
"Gesundheit," said Snow White. She winked at him, and soon Glenn was surrounded by all of the Disney females, even the non-human ones. Suddenly, Pip came hopping along and the women immediately forgot about Glenn.  
"Whew," he said, wiping his brow. "Pip is a lifesaver!"  
"No pwoblem here!" smiled Pip, waving his paw.  
  


****

Adventures in Disneyvorld--erm, Disneyworld, Part B: Pirates of the Caribbean  
  


"Arr," said Fargo.  
"Arr," said Captain Hook.  
"Arr!" replied Fargo.  
"Arr!" replied Captain Hook.  
"ARR!" roared Fargo.  
"ARR!" roared Captain Hook.  
"ARR!!!!!" screamed Fargo.  
"ARR!!!!!" screamed Captain Hook. They paused.  
"(Arr)," whispered Fargo.  
"(Arr)," whispered Captain Hook.  
  


****

Adventures in Disneyworld--HA, I got it right! Part 3: CHACHACHA  
  


Orcha, Macha, Korcha, Mel, and Belcha were in Space Mountain. Orcha jumped in his seat.  
"No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat. "No jumping in the seats," said Mickey Mouse. Orcha jumped in his seat.  
"Awww, cut the jive-talk!" roared Macha. Everyone became silent.  
  


****

Adventures in Disneyworld, Epilogue  
  


"So did everyone have fun in Disneyworld?" asked Van.  
"No," replied Karsh.  
"YES," said Zoah.  
"No," said Marcy.  
"Yes," said Viper.  
"Yes," said Riddel.  
"Yes," said Grobyc.  
"Da," said Luccia.  
"No," said Glenn.  
"OH YEAH!" shouted Pip.  
"Arr!" said Fargo.  
"CHA," said Korcha.  
"CHA," said Mel.  
"No," said Orcha.  
"CHA," said Macha. Belcha got lost somewhere in the park and was never seen for the rest of the trip.  
"Yes," said mostly everybody else.  
"No," said everybody else.  
"Okay then, I guess it's time we go to _Las Vegas _now!" he shouted.  
"Sorry!" said Orlha.  
"Sorry!" said Sneff. Van sighed.  
"Who will drive now?" he asked.  
"Grobyc-will-drive. Grobyc-will-get-us-there-soon."  
"Okay, Grobyc!" said Van. He added, under his breath, "(I've got a feeling that this is going to be a long day.)"  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"So... you... travel a lot?" asked Janice. The man looked back at her.  
"Hoo hoo hoo, I sure do!" he chuckled. She nodded.  
"What are their names again?"  
"Well, you know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen... But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?"  
"No."  
"Me neither!" laughed the jolly old elf, guiding his sleigh over the land. Janice hiccupped, suddenly feeling an intense sickness boil in her stomach.  
"M-mr. Claus? I-I don't feel so well...!" she gulped.  
"Oh no!"  
_Bum bum bummm!_  
  


__

Meanwhile-meanwhile...  
  


"Fifteen bottles of beer on the wall, fifteen bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, fourteen bottles of beer on the wall!"  
"Now that Disneyvorld ist behind us, vhere do you t'ink we are going, Herr Grobyc?" asked Luccia.  
"Grobyc-does-not-know-Luccia. Las-Vegas-is-on-the-other-side-of-this-country."  
"We could just leapphrog over there, phrom place to place," suggested NeoFio. Everyone looked at her. "That way, we can see more sights and we won't be too lost, since we'll know where we're going."  
"That's brilliant!" exclaimed General Viper.  
"Finally, that plant did something useful," said Korcha, scratching his head.  
"Grobyc-does-not-find-anything-wrong-with-NeoFio's-thinking. Grobyc-will-travel-from-place-to-place-until-Grobyc-gets-to-Las-Vegas."  
"Then it's settled," said Sneff. "But where are we going ffirst?" Kid looked at an atlas.  
"Well, we're in Florida now, so we can get ta Atlantic City first," she pointed. "It's almost as good as Vegas."  
"I don't want almost, Kid," pointed Guile.  
"Tch, fine. Umm, how bout' we go to New Orleans?" she suggested. Everyone gasped.  
"_MARDI GRAS!!!!!!!!!!!_"


	3. Beads, Music, and Beads Again

****

PART THREE: BEADS, MUSIC, AND BEADS AGAIN  


Adventures in New Orleans, Part 1: Much Ado About Beads  
  


Many hours later, Grobyc shuttled the bus straight into New Orleans. Everybody scrambled out, putting on a whole menagerie of costumes. They were just in time--it was Fat Tuesday in New Orleans, and everybody was celebrating. The entire party streamed away, dancing and singing and celebrating a holiday they never knew existed until this point.  
Multitudes of people began tossing beads at Kid, Riddel, Leena, Miki, Irenes, Orlha, Harle (who was the only one that didn't need a costume), and Steena. Serge looked at Kid quizzically, wondering what the purpose of the beads was.  
"Search me, mate!" she grinned, hanging the cluster of beads on her neck. "I ain't got any idea as to what they are, either! But it sure is fun!" Kid leaped up and grabbed more beads, tying them to her arms and legs. Miki leaped up on a float and began dancing along with the music. She was completely drowned with beads and the occasional flower, but continued to dance anyway.  
"Isn't this fun, Karsh?" smiled Riddel, who had almost as many beads as Miki. Karsh growled. He did not have any beads.  
"I don't like this!" he said. Karsh had gone as himself for Mardi Gras.  
"But I think-om it's fun-om!" exclaimed Mojo, who was dancing like mad. He had several beads hanging from his nail. Skelly was dancing with him, also carrying many beads. Karsh fumed.  
"Forget about the frickin' beads!" he growled, storming off away from the party. Zoah sighed. He didn't get any beads either.  
  


****

Adventures in New Orleans, Part II: The Concert  
  


An hour passed. Miki was soon tired of dancing, and even Mojo and Skelly were out of steam. Everybody merely watched the festivities, content to catch an occasional bead. Nikki suddenly leaped up onto a float.  
"Come on, everybody!" he said, grabbing a mike. "Who here's ready to rock?!" The crowd gave a lukewarm cheer. "I said, are you ready to _rock_!?" The crowd gave a semi-enthusiastic cheer. Miki leaped up next to Nikki, and Razzly, Kid, Serge, Mojo, and Skelly followed.

"I said, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!!!?" shouted Nikki, cueing everyone else to liven up the crowd. The crowd suddenly went ballistic, and Nikki went into a tirade of music, treating everyone there to one of his stunning concerts. Girls screamed in hysteria, but some people just screamed.  
"Oi! C'mon, everybody!" shouted Kid, taking the backup vocals. Serge prepared his drum set, Skelly, Mojo, and Razzly started dancing, and Miki took the leading vocals. Nikki raised his pick, slamming it down on his beloved ax. He started off his concert with "Revolution" and "That Old-Time Rock n' Roll", which really livened things up, then went into a wild frenzy of songs: "Twist and Shout", "Born to be Wild", "Walk this Way", "Johnny B. Good", and capped it all off with Jimmy Hendrix's rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner". The crowd went berserk by then, hurling buckets of beads and flowers at Nikki, begging him for more. Nikki finished off the night with a great improvisational piece, leaving his news fans breathless.  
  


****

Adventures in New Orleans, Part Three: No Beads  
  


"I didn't get any beads," said Karsh.  
"DON'T WORRY," said Zoah as soft as he could. "NOT MANY OF US GOT BEADS. PERHAPS THE PEOPLE THAT GOT BEADS WILL SHARE THEM WITH YOU?"  
"Yeah, right. What are those stupid things for, anyway?"  
"I HAVE NO IDEA," said Zoah after a pause.  
"Saaad," sighed Karsh.  
"SAD," sighed Zoah.  
"_Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad_," sighed Karsh and Zoah.  
"Boo-hoo-hoo!" whimpered Pierre. He had gotten a negative number of beads. Worst of all, he didn't even have a costume. Even more terrible was the fact that Pierre suddenly remembered he was on a diet! Oh no!  
  


****

Adventures in New Orleans, Epilogue  
  


The entire bus was crammed full of beads. It was so full, nobody could fit in there, not even Pip. Karsh grinned.  
"We can't take all these frickin' beads with us. We're gonna have ta dump some of them!" he snarled.  
"Noooooooooooooooo!!!!" screamed everybody that had gotten beads.  
"Just take one bead each! Jeez! Maybe then, everybody can take something from what's left over, and we'll all be happy." Everybody thought this was a good idea and they all kept one necklace of beads. Kid and Mel, however, had secretly kept ten.  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"Well, it took me awhile, but I got out of Canada!" smiled Janice, waving good-bye to Santa. She continued to walk across the long road, sticking out her thumb (and her leg!!!) whenever she saw a ride coming. Janice did not have to wait long. Soon, a long limousine pulled up, and the door opened.  
"Wow, thanks bud!" grinned Janice, stepping into the limo. She squished herself between two fancily-dressed couples.  
"Where are you going?" asked one of the men.  
"Vegas. What about you?"  
"We're going to prom!" blushed one of the girls. Janice grinned a mischievous grin.  
"Really?" Janice chuckled to herself, remembering the last time she had been to "prom"...  
  
  


__

Meanwhile-meanwhile...  
  


"Two bottles of beer on the wall, two bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, one more bottle of beer on the wall!" Everybody had started singing once Skelly hit the twelfth bottle, and soon they would be finished. "One bottle of beer on the wall, one bottle of beer, you take it down, pass it around, no more bottles of beer on the wall!" Everybody cheered, throwing beads and flowers in the air. Grobyc did not cheer.  
"Grobyc-is-glad-that-that-song-is-over," he stated.  
"_One... more... time_!" grinned Skelly. Everybody screamed bloody murder, pummeling Skelly and tossing him out on the road. "Aw, man!" he groaned, wiping the dust off of his hipbones. "Now how'm I gonna get to Vegas? Hitchhike?" Suddenly, Skelly grinned, stuck out his bony thumb, and waited.  
  


And waited. And waited.  
  


__

Meanwhile-meanwhile...  
  


"What's next after New Orleans?" asked Zappa. Kid looked at her atlas.  
"Well, we're close to Houston," she said.  
"Ooh! Ooh!" squeaked Mel. "I wanna go inta outer space!"  
"(I'm tempted to do just that)," mumbled Korcha.  
"Anyone opposed ta goin' to Houston?" asked Kid.  
"Where's that?" asked Funguy.  
"I'm hungwy," stated Pip.  
"I'm serious! One of you guys took my cheesecake!" said Doc.  
"Isn't that a lovely tree?" asked Radius.  
"Arr, I don't care," sniffed Fargo.  
"Then it's settled! Grobyc, our next destination's Houston!"  
"Understood."


	4. Rockets, Basements, Aliens, and a Hole i...

****

PART FOUR: ROCKETS, BASEMENTS, ALIENS, AND A HOLE IN THE GROUND  


__

Meanwhile-meanwhile-meanwhile...  
  


Skelly waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"HEY! Somebody's spiked the punch!"  
"Somebody's stolen all the food!"  
"Somebody's stolen my boyfriend!"  
"Somebody's put on country music!"  
"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed!"  
"Wh-why are you guys looking at me all of a sudden?" asked Janice nervously. She was holding a bottle of brandy in one arm, a plate with a slice of cake in her hand, a boyfriend in the other arm, and a Hank Williams CD in the other hand. A pillow was at her feet.  
"Kick her out!" shouted George.  
"Make her _walk_ to Vegas!" shouted Walker.  
"Gin," said Herbert.  
"The squirrels stole my tuxedo!" cried Bush.  
"Let's be nice to her," suggested Junior. Everybody tossed Janice and Junior out of the gymnasium, leaving them to fend for themselves.  
"Man!" fumed Janice, hopping up and down madly. "Those jerks!" Junior looked at her.  
"I love you, Janice!" he blurted, shaking like a madman. Janice growled and whacked him with her carrot, then hopped away to try and find another ride to Vegas. Junior flew a few feet before landing in the pool, and he never saw Janice again.  
  


__

Meanwhile-meanwhile-meanwhile...  
  


Skelly waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


****

Adventures in the Southwest, the first: Houston  
  


"Houston, we haveCHA problem!" squealed Mel, running around the base. Her arms were protruding out, and she kept on making airplane noises. "Oh no! The aliens are gonna get Mel!"  
"Noo I'm noot!" squeaked Starky.  
"I didn't mean you, Starky! Sorr-y!"  
"Thaat iis okaay, Mel! Noo problem!" Mel nodded and continued to run around wildly.  
"I can't take it anymore!" shrieked one of the staff. He bolted out the door, screaming wildly. More employees took to the streets, yanking their hair out in madness.  
"Mel, look at whatCHA doin'!" scolded Macha. "You're drivin' everyone away!"  
"B-but ma, that means that there'll be more room for us!" squeaked Mel innocently. Korcha said something unintelligible under his breath.  
"What does this button do?" asked Marcy, pounding blindly on the terminals. Suddenly, alarms went off and the PA blared to life.  
"Warning! Warning! Launch sequence has been activated! Repeat, launch sequence has been activated!"  
"Oops," said Marcy innocently. She kicked the floor, hoping that nobody would care.  
"Marcy," growled Viper, "you got a lotta splainin' ta do!"  
"Waaaaaaahhhhh!!!"  
"Oi, hold on a second!" shouted Kid. "...Where's Fargo and Serge?"  
  
  


"Arr! What the--? This thing's takin' off!" Serge nodded, trying to stop the launch sequence. "That's not gonna do any good, boy! This thing's gonna blow any minute! Brace yerselves!" Fargo clung onto something, and Serge buckled himself in the copilot's seat, bracing himself for the worst.  
"Ten, nine, eight, six..."  
"Six? What happened to seven?" shrieked Fargo.  
"Just kidding!" Fargo cursed and the countdown continued. "Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, have a nice day!"  
"Thank you!" nodded Fargo, and the space shuttle blasted off into the atmosphere, sending two more of the group on a wacky adventure...  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore," wheezed Janice, plopping down on the ground. Actually, she had walked to Nebraska all the way from Minnesota, and had yet to hit Kansas. She suddenly saw another car, and stuck out her thumb, hoping for a sane driver for once.  
"Where're you headed?" asked the gruff voice.  
"Vegas."  
"Me too. Hop on in." Janice hopped inside the small car, thanking the driver.  
"Oh, that's all right. But just answer me one question."  
"Sure." The driver turned around and snarled.  
"You sure you don't wanna see a dead body?!"  
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!"  
  


__

Meanwhile-meanwhile-meanwhile...  
  


"Finally! I've been waiting for _minutes_!" groaned Skelly. The car pulled up to him, and the driver let him in. Skelly gasped when he saw the passenger.  
"Janice?"  
"Skelly?"  
"_That's_ the dead body!" chortled the driver.  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
**  
**

Adventures in the southwest, the second: Remember the... uh... the place!  
  


After hightailing it out of Houston, Kid tried her atlas one more time. Marcy had to be bailed out of prison, and that cost the group a lot of time and money.  
"We're in the middle of nowhere," observed Greco. "We should be getting to the southwest soon."  
"Yes. Oh, I have an idea!" piped Glenn. "Let's go to the four corners."  
"The what?"  
"The four corners. You know, the point where Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, and Arizona intersect?"  
"No."  
"Go there anyway, Grobyc." The cyborg grunted.  
"As-you-wish. Grobyc-will-be-arriving-in-New-Mexico-before-long. First-we-must-go-to-the-Alamo. After-that-maybe-we-can-see-the-Grand-Canyon."  
"Superb idea, Monsieur Grobyc!" sang Pierre.  
  
  


"Well-we-are-here-in-the-Alamo," said Grobyc, stopping the bus briefly. Everyone got out and stretched, but Leah was nowhere to be found...  
  


Leah had been following the Alamo tour ever since she arrived, and wanted to ask a question, but was told to hold all questions until the end of the tour. The whole stupid thing took half an hour, but she finally got her turn.  
"Yes, the primitive-looking girl in the front?" pointed the guide.  
"Leah ask question," said Leah. "Leah want know where basement is."  
"Why, the Alamo doesn't have a basement!" smiled the tour guide. She began laughing, and soon everybody turned to Leah and began laughing at her. She covered her ears, but was unable to drown out the horrible sound. Finally unable to bear it anymore, she ran outside the Alamo screaming, and bumped into Funguy.  
"Sorry-sorry, Funguy!" exclaimed Leah. "I no find bike." Funguy cursed.  
"Then that gypsy just gypped me! Well, come on, Grobyc's about to leave." And so the whole group boarded the bus again, very sad that the Alamo didn't have a basement.  
  


****

Adventures in the southwest, the third: Area LI  
  


"Where are we now, Grobyc?" asked Glenn.  
"The-middle-of-nowhere," replied the cyborg. Starky jumped in his seat.  
"No jumping in the seat," said Viper. Starky pointed out the window.  
"Look!" he squealed. "It's soome kiind of plaace!!"  
"Place!!" shrieked Leena. "Where?" Everybody craned their heads out of a window to get a good look at the "place". It was a secret military base that nobody knew about.  
"What ist it?" asked Irenes.  
"Starky not knoow. Starky iinvestiigate." And before anyone could protest, the cute little alien had hopped out of the bus and was skipping towards the base. He never returned.  
  


Two hours later...  
  


"Gin," said Herbert. Orlha grunted  
"What's taking Starky so long?" she demanded. "He should have been back by now." After getting no response, she shrugged and got out of the bus. "I'm going to go look for him. If I'm not back in an hour, destroy the place." And there was much rejoicing.  
  


Two hours earlier...  
  


Starky skipped towards the military base. It was in the middle of nowhere, which made him wonder why it was there in the first place. Suddenly, as he neared it, several flashing lights struck him. He shielded his face from the lights as several strange voices barked out at him.  
"Who are you? How did you get in here?"  
"Starky aam Starky," replied Starky. "Starky fiind baase."  
"Oh my gosh, an alien!" screamed a voice. "And he's in Area 51!"  
"Capture him!" shouted a voice. Starky jumped.  
"Uh-oh! Starky iin trouble!!"  
  


Two hours and five minutes later...  
  


"Who are you? How did you get in here?" Orlha shielded her eyes against the glare.  
"My name's Orlha, and I've come to save my friend Starky. We stumbled across this military base, see, and--"  
"Oh my gosh, a babe!" screamed a voice. "And she's in Area 51!"  
"Capture her!" shouted a voice. Orlha jumped.  
"Uh-oh, I'm in trouble!!" Before any guards could capture her, Orlha sprinted into the base, kicking away the mean old guards as she broke into the building.  
  


****

(Warning: because Area 51 is such a secret place, I originally thought it best to not go into description of its interior. But then I figured, why not?)  
  


It was very shabby and it smelled like a dentist's office. It only contained a small rec room and a few bathrooms--and a dinette set! Orlha found Starky sitting in the room with Elvis, Bigfoot, and Robin Williams. They were playing poker, and Bigfoot was winning.  
"Flush," grumbled Bigfoot happily. Everyone groaned.  
"Aw man, not again!" mumbled Elvis.  
"I am thoroughly disgusted," said Robin, doing his impersonation of Scarlet O'Hara.  
"Noot good," whined Starky. Bigfoot raked in the loot and grinned.  
"Starky!" exclaimed Orlha.  
"Orlha!" exclaimed Starky. Elvis groaned.  
"Aw man, I thought you were the pizza guy!"  
"Sorry, your highness, but I've come to capture Starky!" Orlha apologized and grabbed Starky off of the floor, but not before shooting a photo of herself with the three of them. Robin Williams bade them good-bye in a John Wayne voice, and soon Orlha and Starky were back on the road.  
  


****

Adventures in the southwest, the fourth: Hole  
  


"So that's the Grand Canyon?" asked Van. He sat down and decided to paint a picture of it. Mel helped.  
"Aye, there she is! What a fine sight, too!" beamed Zappa, crossing his arms. "Ah only wish Karsh was here ta see it."  
"I am here, pops," noted Karsh. Zappa jumped.  
"Ah mean the other Karsh."  
"Whatever." Karsh spat over the edge and was tempted to throw Mel into the abyss as well. In fact, everyone except for Mel was tempted to throw Mel in the pit. Mel, however, was hiding behind Macha, so nobody could get to her.  
"It is a nice place," noted Guile. Irenes nodded.  
"Da. I haff never seen anyt'ink like it!"  
"Grobyc says that you all can have five more minutes!" called Norris. "Then we will have to leave."  
"Okay!" Slowly but surely, everyone began filing into the bus. Radius paused and grew very sad, wishing that Mr. Owl was there. He couldn't see any lovely trees, either.  
"Ack!" jumped Miki.  
"What's up, babe? Did you find out the dude that stole my cheesecake?" asked Doc.  
"No, I know who's missing!" Razzly nodded.  
"That's right! I noticed that one of our group was missing! But who is it?"  
"Ummm... I think it's Turnip."  
"I am right-eth here, Miki!" called Turnip.  
"Then maybe it's... Van?"  
"I'm here," said Van flatly, still painting on his canvas.  
"Is it Sprigg?"  
"Nope!"  
"Umm, Pierre!"  
"Non!"  
"Razzly?"  
"No..."  
"Poshul?"  
"Try again, Miki!"  
"Darn, this is hard!" murmured Miki. She sat down on the ground, placed her hand to her chin, and thought about it.  
"General Viper?"  
"I'm here."  
"Harle?"  
"Oui!"  
"Hu-hu, she said 'wee'," chortled Beavis.  
"Fire, fire! Burn! Fire!" cackled Butt-head.  
"Radius?"  
"Here!"  
"Draggy?"  
"It's not me!"  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"Louie, Louie, whoooa, ohh, we gotta go now... Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, Louie Louie, whoooa, ohh, we gotta go now... Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"  
"Isn't this fun?" asked The Driver. Janice nodded her head.  
"Oh yeah! I thought you were just some freakazoid or something, but now I realize you're just psychotic!"  
"Ssh!" shushed Skelly. "I can't hear the radio!" The Driver turned up the radio, but the song had already ended. "Aw man, news!"  
"Hello, I'm Chunny Kong, and this is the six-o'clock news," spoke the radio. Since Skelly was in the back seat with Janice, neither one could change the station. "This is a special report, live from Houston," continued the radio. "Several authorities have spotted Space Shuttle _Surely_ orbiting the Earth... _without its original crew_!"  


__

Bum bum bummm!  


"We have also learned that the new crew consists of what appears to be a mute and a pirate. This shuttle was accidentally launched from Houston a few hours ago, and authorities can't do anything about it, since they... _are not in space_!"  


__

Bum bum bummm!  


"Hey! That's Serge and Fargo!" squeaked Janice. Skelly nodded.  
"If I know those guys, the shuttle was probably set off by Marcy or Mel."  
"My money's on Mel." Suddenly, The Driver turned the radio off. "Hey, we were listening to that!"  
"I don't like the news," growled The Driver. Janice made a peeping sound and promised to stay quiet; Skelly merely sneezed.  
"Hey..." he said, pointing at Janice. "Is that a... cheesecake?"  


__

Bum bum bummm!  
  
  


Meanwhile...  
  


"Is it Zoah?"  
"WRONG!"  
"Ummm, Leena?"  
"Nope, I'm here."  
"Marcy?"  
"Like, I'm here!"  
"Starky?"  
"Preseent!"  
"Janice?" No reply. "Janice?" Miki paused. "Aha! See, I told you I knew who it was! It was Janice all along, see?"  
"Yeah," mumbled Korcha, "you're a real genius..."  
"Well, now that we know who's missing, where to next, Grobyc?" asked Radius.  
"The-Four-Corners."  
"Oh no, I don't want to go there!" moaned Orlha.  
"Me neither," coughed Orcha.  
"Leah not want go!" said Leah.  
"Please?" said Glenn, nearly begging them. "I've never been in four states at the same time before."  
"Let us take a vote," suggested Norris. "All oppose, please remain seated. All for it, please stand up." Only Glenn stood up.  
"No standing on the bus," said Viper. Glenn sat down.  
"Then I guess we're off to Vegas, then?" Glenn slumped down, and Riddel placed her hand on his shoulder.  
"I wanted to stand, but I couldn't unfasten my seat belt."  
"Thanks, Miss Riddel," sighed Glenn.  
"Las Vegas, ere' we come!" squealed Harle, hanging her head out the window. A tree smacked into her face.  
  


__

Meanwhile, in space...  
  


"Arr! Serge, do ya know where this thing's headed?" asked Fargo. Serge shook his head No. "Well, check the monitor or somethin'! We're bound to be headed somewheres!" Serge nodded and ran over to check the monitor. The only thing he could see was flashing lights and spinning arrows.

"Flashing lights and spinning arrows? Arr, yer readin' that all wrong!" exclaimed Fargo, shoving Serge out of the way. But the only thing Fargo could see were flashing lights and spinning arrows. "Arr, we be stuck out here!"  
"Mission control to Space Shuttle _Surely_, do you copy? Repeat, Mission control to Space Shuttle _Surely_, do you copy?"  
"Arr! I wonder who that could be?" asked Fargo. Serge shrugged.  
"_Surely_, do you copy? Pick up the transmitter, you dummies!"  
"Arr!" snarled Fargo, picking up the transmitter. "Don't call me Shirley!"  
"Thank goodness you're all right, _Surely_! What's happening up there?"  
"I said 'don't call me Shirley', ya barnacle-bum!" roared Fargo. Serge pushed him out of the way and took the transmitter.  
"Ahuh. You say that you were exploring the ship when it blasted off? And you don't know where you're going? Okay, we can tell you that: you're headed to the moon to do whatever astronaut-type people do, I dunno. Anyway, to abort the mission, just press the red button. Oh, hold on a minute." Mission control paused for awhile, leaving Serge hanging.

"Sorry about that!! Push the red button if you want to abort and _self-detonate_! Haha! Sorry! Almost made a mistake there! What's that? Oh! To get back home, just press the green button! Yes, I'm sure! We'll take care of the rest! Over and out, _Surely_."  
"D'arr, _don't call me Shirley_!"  
  


Mean_while, on Earth..._  
  


"Hey! We just passed Utah!" exclaimed Skelly. Janice waved good-bye to some Mormons.  
"Yeah! Now all we have to do is find Las Vegas! But where do we start looking? The Driver dropped us off in the Rockies, so we had to ski all the way over to Utah!"  
"Who are you talking to?" asked Skelly.  
"Uhmmm, no one!" Janice grinned, and started hopping down the road. "So where's this Vegas place?"  
"Somewhere in Nevada."  
"And where's Nevada?"  
"We're in Nevada, broccoli-head!" coughed Skelly. "We just have to find Vegas! Then we can catch up with everybody!"  
"Yeah! But of course, Kid just had to have the map! She wouldn't dare give it to me; noooo, that spoiled little brat sure it a little bi--"  
"I found it, Janice," pointed Skelly. Janice pursed her lips.  
"Oh. Cool."  
  


__

Meanwhile-meanwhile...  
  


"Hey you guys!" pointed Nikki. "Is it just me, or is that...?"  
"It is! It is! I'm sure of it!" exclaimed Sneff.  
"Incredible!" gasped Guile.  
"We're finally here!" shouted Leena.  
"About time!" pouted Marcy.  
"It's unbelievable!" cried Van.  
"Took em' long enough!" sneered Karsh. Grobyc stopped the bus.  
"OKAY EVERYONE!!!" shouted Zoah. "BATHROOM BREEEEEAAAAAK!!!!!!"  
  
  


"Okay, now that everybody's had a sufficient bathroom break, let's get going!" announced Viper. Everyone cheered and got on the bus. Grobyc drove for three seconds and stopped the bus. They had made it.  
"Incredible," sighed Guile.  
"Amazing," yawned Sneff.  
"Finally," moaned Leena.  
"Whoop-dee-doo," groaned Marcy.  
"Wow," said Van.  
"Took em' long enough!" sneered Karsh.  
"We-have-arrived-in-Las-Vegas," announced Grobyc. And there was much rejoicing.


	5. Viva Las Vegas!

****

PART FIVE: VIVA LAS VEGAS!  


Adventures in Las Vegas, Part I: The Montage  
  


The entire gang (minus four) spewed out of the bus, everybody going their separate ways.  


Serge: He is still in space, silly goose!  
Kid: Wasn't old enough to gamble so she hung out at "the hotel".  
Guile: Went to a show with Siegfried and Roy. Ended up fighting them and destroying a few buildings. Lost 100 Gil in gambling; gained 40.  
Norris: Tried his luck in the casino before arranging reservations at "the hotel".  
Nikki: Started a big-scale musical number. People on the streets joined in, singing such songs as "It's Not Unusual to be Loved By You" and of course, "Viva Las Vegas".  
Viper: Attended the shows. Had to drag Sneff away from gambling. Stepped into the kitchen too many times.  
Riddel: Was mistaken for a very classy prostitute more than once. Was protected by the Devas every time.  
Karsh: Kicked butt whenever some scumbag came up to Lady Riddel.  
Zoah: Intimidated any scumbag that came up to Lady Riddel. Punched a pimp.  
Marcy: Got kicked out of three casinos; more or less guarded Riddel.  
Korcha: Beat up Regis Philbin and Dick Clark.  
Luccia: Went to the Siegfried and Roy shows to uncover all their secrets; present whereabouts remain unknown.  
Poshul: Got lost and ended up becoming a street performer.  
Razzly: Got lost and ended up becoming a street performer.  
Zappa: Fell asleep on the bus.  
Orcha: Kept telling Viper to stay out of the kitchen.  
Radius: Found Mr. Owl in a run-down casino. Was never sad the entire trip.  
Fargo: He's still in space, silly goose!  
Macha: Painted the town red for two whole minutes, then got broke.  
Glenn: Got lost and ended up performing in a show. Somehow won an Academy Award.  
Leena: Beat every single arcade game in "the hotel".  
Miki: Helped Nikki in his musical numbers; ran around with Wayne Newton for a brief time.  
Harle: Got in a very big fight with David Copperfield. Was once mistaken for a prostitute, but after what happened to the guy, nobody bothered her again.  
Janice: She's still on the road, silly!  
Draggy: Got lost and ended up performing in a show. Somehow won a Tony.  
Starky: Kept on getting mistaken for a performer, so he just joined one of the shows.  
Sprigg: Got so drunk she couldn't even fish.  
Mojo: Never got lost, but became a street performer anyway.  
Turnip: Was continuously mistaken for a performer, so he just joined one of the shows.  
NeoFio: Was continuously mistaken for a performer, so she just joined one of the shows.  
Greco: Got kicked out of the casinos for bankrupting them.  
Skelly: He's still on the road, silly!  
Funguy: Was continuously mistaken for a performer, so he just joined one of the shows.  
Irenes: Was continuously mistaken for a performer, so she just joined one of the shows.  
Mel: Got lost and ended up drawing portraits on the street.  
Leah: Was kicked out of 4 casinos and 5 shows.  
Van: Got lost and ended up painting portraits on the street.  
Sneff: Soon became the Kingpin of Vegas. Had to be dragged away by General Viper.  
Steena: The whereabouts of Steena are still unknown.  
Doc: The whereabouts of Doc are still unknown.  
Grobyc: Was mistaken for a performer, but managed to beat up anybody who thought so.  
Pierre: Basically made a fool out of himself. As always.  
Orlha: Kept on getting harassed by people who thought she was a prostitute (she beat them all up), so she simply retired to "the hotel".  
Pip: Attracted ladies like you wouldn't believe!  
  
At the end of the evening, everybody retired to "the hotel", exhausted and ready to leave.  
  


****

Adventures in Las Vegas, Part II: Who's On First?  
  


"Ohh, my head..." mumbled Doc, shaking his cranium. He groggily opened his eyes, unaware of what had just happened. "Man! I'm never drinking that again!"  
"Is that you, Doc?" said a voice.  
"Yeah, I'm here. We must've stumbled into 'the hotel'." Steena entered the room and sat down wearily. For some "mysterious reason", she had been wearing a tank top, exposing part of her back; Doc had his shirt off.  
"Oh, I see you have a tattoo!" she exclaimed, spying a mirror reflecting Doc's back. "It is on your back!"  
"Whoa, really? What is it?" Doc turned around.  
"'Dude!'" exclaimed Steena. Doc snickered.  
"You've never said 'dude' before, Steena! Man, must be this gnarly trip. Hey, you got one too," he pointed, seeing a mirror reflecting Steena's back.  
"Oh? What is it?" She turned around.  
"'Sweet!'" exclaimed Doc. Steena blushed slightly. "Does mine say anything?" asked Doc.  
"Yes, please turn around again." Doc turned around. "'Dude!'" exclaimed Steena. Doc gasped.  
"Whoa, is it that gnarly?" he chuckled. Steena looked at him, a surprised look on her face.  
"Does mine say anything?" she asked. Doc nodded and Steena turned around.   
"'Sweet!'" he exclaimed. Steena blushed again.  
"Is it really that great, or are you just flirting?"  
"No, they did a fine job! But seriously, what does mine say?" He turned around.  
"'Dude!' What does mine say?" She turned around.  
"'Sweet!' What does mine say?" He turned around.  
"'Dude!'"  
"'Sweet!'"  
"'Dude!'"  
"'Sweet!'"  
"'Dude!'"  
"'Sweet!'"  
"Hold on a minute..." said Doc. He grabbed a small mirror, walked up to a larger mirror, and held the smaller mirror at an angle, so he could see his tattoo. "Dude! It says 'Dude!' Dude!" Steena did the same thing.  
"It says 'Sweet!'"  
"Well, you are sweet!" said Doc.  
"Only if you are a 'dude'! Come, let us get dressed and join the others!"  
"Sweet!"  
"Do not start that again!"  
  


****

Adventures in Las Vegas, Part III: The Tournament  
  


"H'm?" said Luccia, noticing a billboard. "It says here dat dere vill be somet'ink called a 'Battlebots Tournament' being held here in a few veeks. I vonder vat a Battlebots Tournament is?"  
"Have ye no heard?" snickered Zappa, crossing his arms. "It's where people from around th' country build a fightin' robot to compete in the tourny! The winner gets a blazin', giant, golden nut!"  
"Dis tournament has intrigued me," mumbled Luccia, holding her hand to her chin. "If all I haff to do is build a robot, den I vill easily vin dis! Hoo hoo hooo!"  
"Ach, it's no that easy! Ye've got ta beat all th' other robots that entered the tourny as well! An' there's a whole list o' rules too!" Zappa grinned, showing off his muscles. "But the Dragoons and ah've built a fine fightin' robot, and we'll be enterin' it in that contest. Ah suggest that, if yir plannin' on enterin' that contest, ye'd better hurry it up! It starts in three weeks!" Luccia nodded, thinking.  
"No problem," she smiled. Leena, who was hogging a nearby arcade game, overheard the conversation.  
"Battlebots are stupid!" she said. "Ack! What are you doing?! Eat the ghost!"  
  
  


"Oi! That golden nut'll be mine in no time flat!" grinned Kid, helping Norris with his Battlebot.  
"Hu-hu, she said 'golden nut'," chortled Beavis.  
"Fire, fire! Burn! Fire!" cackled Butt-head.  
"It is not that easy. I have heard that it is very hard to make and drive a Battlebot," replied Norris.  
"Heh, I didn't ask you!" she replied. Kid looked up, a forlorn look on her face. "Ya hear that, mate? I'll win this golden nut for you, Serge! Then you'll see! I'll win your eart' fer sure!"  
"What's that?" asked Norris.  
"N-nothin'!"  
  
  


"Well, it took us long enough, but we made it!" Janice plopped down in her hotel bed, too exhausted to even breathe.  
"Hey, Janice! Check this out!" pointed Skelly. Janice groaned. "It says here that there's some kinda robot fightin' tournament going on! Battlebots, ya know?"  
"A fighting tournament?!" squealed Janice, leaping out of her bed. "That's for me!" She scanned over the bulletin, a smile slowly making its way on her mouth. "Hehehe... I'm gonna enter one of my own fighting robots in this little match!"  
"B-but you don't know how to build a robot!"  
"That's beside the point! I've got the cash, and the connections, to make my dreams come true!" She cackled softly to herself, freaking Skelly out.  
"Man, I wish I was still in Utah!"  
  


Adventures in Las Vegas, Part IV: Robot Fighting Time  
  


General Viper frowned.  
"Zappa, do we receive any prize money for competing or winning?" he asked.  
"Ah'm not sure. Why'dya ask, Gen'ral?"  
"Well, the funds that I had brought with me have slowly decreased. It's not cheap for forty-four people to be staying in a hotel for nearly a month."  
"Aye, that's true. And ah'm sure that we'll repay ye sometime in th' future."  
"No need," sighed Viper, waving his hand. Karsh crossed his arms.  
"I heard that Luccia and Norris are entering a robot as well," he said. "I know Norris is gonna be easy to beat, but Luccia?"  
"This isn't a competition," said Viper sternly. "This is all just for fun. If one of us wins, they win. If we all lose, then we all lose. Let's keep it at that."  
"Ye say that now, but what about when yir robot's losin'?" asked Zappa.  
"Or winning?" said Karsh. Viper grunted and frowned, but said nothing.  
  


And then, the day of the tournament arrived...  
  


"I can't believe the turnout," whispered Orlha. Doc asked her to repeat it, and she shouted it back to him.  
"Yeah! I didn't think this many people would come!" he shouted. They had to shout--they were in the stadium that not only carried the seats, but the infamous Battlebox as well. "Looks like the teams are setting up. Hey, I can see team Dragoon!" Doc pointed to a large group of peculiar-looking people, and sure enough, it was team Dragoon: Zoah, Karsh, Marcy, Orcha, Glenn, Radius, and Riddel as the pit crew and support, Zappa as the builder, and General Viper as the leader and driver. Their robot was "Dragon", a nasty middleweight that carried four large hammers and eight smaller ones on its back.  
"Hey! I can see Team Radical Dreamers!" pointed Nikki. Norris, Kid, Korcha, and Mel took their positions, hauling their heavyweight "Monster" with them. "Monster" was a dome-shaped robot with five deadly horizontal cutters and equally lethal speed.  
"Poshul, isn't that Miss Luccia?" pointed Razzly. Poshul scratched her head and nodded.  
"Yeah! Thee and Gwobyc are coming out now!" Luccia, Starky, and Grobyc, aka Team Grobyc, stepped into their position with their monstrous super-heavyweight "OMNI", a very advanced machine that connected directly to Grobyc. Grobyc could control "OMNI" by simply moving his own body; thus, if Grobyc wanted to perform a suplex, all he had to do was...... and you get the idea.  
"CHA! There's someone else comin' into the arena!" pointed Macha. "What the CHA? Is that... Janice and Skelly!" Yes it is, Macha. "Boy, where the heck have they been?" I don't know. "This is weird! I didn't know Janice knew how to build a robot!" She doesn't. "Who the CHA are you?" Who, me? Umm, nobody!  
  


Mark Beiro introduced the first two robots, "Monster" and a wedge-shaped robot.  
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Battlebots elimination match! In the blue square, to my left... Mayhem is the name, and Destruction is his game! Introducing... Monster!" The crowd cheered, and Norris prepped himself. "In the red square, to my right... No pain, no gain, is the motto of this robot. The pain he dishes out to you is the gain he gets! Introducing... Sidewinder!" The crowd cheered again, and Norris and the other driver stepped out of the battle-box. Soon, both drivers were ready.  
"The box is locked, the lights are on, it's robot fightin' time!" shouted the announcers, and Norris' robot immediately leaped out of its corner, slamming into Sidewinder. "OH! An early start by Monster, just tearing up on Sidewinder! You gotta love the beauty of those blades!"  
"Here we see... Sidewinder stepping away cautiously... Doesn't want to get hit again... Monster, taking a shot to the kill-saws... now coming straight towards Sidewinder. Sidewinder is a very inexperienced robot, whereas we see, the driver of Monster to be surprisingly competent for his first time!"  
"Here we see... Monster chasing Sidewinder around like Tom and Jerry, and OH! Sidewinder! Takes to the air with the kill saws, and OH! Monster! Monster, taking advantage of Sidewinder's flight, just rips into him when he lands. Definitely beautiful. Definitely beautiful."  
"Sidewinder, trying to stay away from the blades... He really can't do much against those blades... He's a wedge, and wedges usually can't compete against something with five blades on it. Sidewinder suddenly rams into Monster before his blades power back up..."  
"You know, it takes Monster a few seconds to power those blades up, and that's when Sidewinder will want to strike."  
"Here we see... another game of cat-and-mouse... Monster, practically leading Sidewinder around the ring... aaaaaaaand, OH! Barely misses the pulverizer! Oh, Monster takes a pop on the noggin with the pulverizer, and he just keeps on chasing Sidewinder around... OH! Another pop with those blades of his, absolutely tearing Sidewinder to pieces! To pieces!"  
"It's a knockout! Has to be! There's not enough left of poor Sidewinder to fill a matchbox!"  
"Well, maybe if it were a really small matchbox..."  
"It's over! It's all over for Sidewinder! Monster had that in the bag!"  
  


Several minutes after the fight, Orlha ran down to congratulate Norris. She gave him a big hug, nearly squeezing his neck. Kid crossed her arms, grinning like a loony.  
"Norris, that was unbelievable!" smiled Orlha. "How did you learn to drive like that?" Norris shrugged.  
"It is my secret," he said. Soon, another match would commence...  
  
  


"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Battlebots elimination event! In the blue square, to my left... He's devoured more maidens and barbecued more knights and killed more people than the Black Plague! Say hello to... Dragon!" The audience cheered, and General Viper prepared himself. "In the red square, to my right... Surviving on a diet of liver, fava beans, and Chianti, not even the world's toughest asylums could hold back... Hannibal!" The crowd cheered again, and Hannibal's driver got ready. Hannibal was a spinning robot, with several small but deadly blades attached to it.  
"The box is locked, the lights are on... it's robot fightin' time!"  
  
  


"C'mon, c'mon... no! Yes! Haha! Take that, you wicked ghosts! Ahahahahahahaaaaaa! ......NO! ...Okay, you're MINE this time!"  
"Still playing that game, Leena?" asked NeoFio. Leena cursed, wiping the sweat off of her brow.  
"Yeah! I'm on Level 5! I heard there's only fifteen levels left until the end of this game!"  
"Why do you want to beat that game?"  
"I dunno!" sneered Leena, taking a quick sip of a nearby drink. "I just started playing with it because I got bored, but now I'm hooked! I beat all those other arcade games!" NeoFio stared at the five other arcade games in the hotel's rec room and nodded.  
"Are you sure there's not one you're missing?"  
"Just 'Universal Domination', and I heard that nobody's ever beaten that. The thing is, it's a six-player game, so it should be easy to beat, but it's not!"  
"And where can we phind phive other players to beat it?" asked NeoFio. Leena grinned maliciously, winning another level.  
"I think you know the answer to that."  
  
  


"I must say, Zappa, that was a wonderful piece of machinery!" beamed Viper. Zappa grinned.  
"Ach, t'was nothin'!"  
"I saw Janice's robot doing some fine damage as well," nodded Viper. "That 'Bunny From Hell' is stronger than it looks! But I wonder where she learned to build robots?"  
"It's a se-cret!" squealed a voice from behind them.  
"Janice!"  
"In the fur," winked the bunny-girl. She hopped on over to Team Dragoon and bowed. "So, did you miss me?"  
"Actually..." mumbled Karsh.  
"Well..." said Marcy.  
"Umm..." coughed Orcha.  
"I, ah..." murmured Riddel.  
"I, WE, UH.." boomed Zoah.  
"Yes," smiled Viper. Janice winked.  
"Say, where's Norris? That punk ditched me on purpose, I bet! He's the one that forced poor little me to hitchhike all the way here!"  
"Norris is the leader of Team Radical Dreamers," pointed Riddel. "Since both of you are heavyweights, maybe you can settle your differences in this tournament?" Janice grinned maliciously.  
"Yeeeeaaaaah!!"  
  


Days passed, and the tournament was drawing to a close. "Dragon" was later defeated by what would later become the middleweight champion, and everyone else advanced forward. OMNI was completely dominating every fight it starred in, and was later rumored to be unstoppable.  
Finally, the championship battles of the tournament were nigh. Janice's "Bunny From Hell" would go up against Norris' "Monster", and Luccia's "OMNI" would face off against Jay Leno's infamous "Chinkilla" (just for fun, of course). It had already won the super-heavyweight championship, and Chinkilla and the Rumble were the only things left.  
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Heavyweight Battlebots Championship fight! In the blue square, to my left... You can call her cute, you can call her cuddly, you can even call her adorable; just make sure you have a hearse handy when you do! Introducing... Bunny From Hell!" The audience went berserk; many had become overnight fans of the lifting/impaling robot that Janice had "built". "And in the red square, to my right... Conquest, Slaughter, Famine, and Death--just what you'd expect from an apocalyptic robot like... Monster!" Norris and Janice prepared themselves, and the audience held their breath.  
"The box is locked, the lights are on, it's championship robot fightin' time!!"  
  


"Bunny From Hell and Monster crawling slowly out of their squares, sizing each other up like a couple of bucks ready to fight over a mate. Bunny From Hell, taking a little nick with the kill-saws, not really injured..."  
"OH! Bunny From Hell just tosses Monster like a salad! Monster... has about a centimeter of space separating him from the floor, and that'll be where Bunny From Hell will strike. You gotta love the ingenious design of Bunny From Hell."  
"Okay, now Monster's getting back into the fight by ramming straight into Bunny From Hell's side! Tears up some pieces, but Bunny's okay. ...OH! Ramming speed!"  
"I saw that one coming! Monster and Bunny From Hell in a jousting match! Bunny From Hell with that carrot and Monster with those blades! Tore that carrot right off!"  
"Not a lot of action now. Bunny From Hell still a threat because of that super-low lifting arm, or should they be called ears?"  
"Ears, arms whatever! Monster trying to confuse Bunny From Hell, which would be a problem if Bunny wasn't such a fast robot. Monster... yes! Yes! Plows straight into Bunny From Hell, with no regard for his own life, and just... sends her flying!"  
"Rest in pieces, Bunny From Hell! Monster has won this bout with a total knockout!"  
  


"The winner by a knockout, the new heavyweight champion... Monster!!!!" Janice drooped, her arms hanging like branches of a dead tree. She slapped Norris' hand away and stomped away to cry. Norris hefted up the Golden Nut and smiled, then handed it to Kid. They were both reasonably happy. Orlha suddenly ran into the Battlebox and flung her arms around Norris, giving him a big kiss. She was a _little_ more than happy then; he just stood there in a stupor.  
**  
**

Adventures in Las Vegas, part V: The Shot Heard Round the World  
  


It was one day after Monster won the championship. Janice's robot was in pieces and she wouldn't come out of her room. Steena tried to coax her out so they could watch the big match that evening, but all she got was silence.  
"Janice, what is the matter?" asked Steena.  
"You don't get it, do ya?" asked Skelly, who was passing by. Steena shook her head. "Janice had a lot going for that robot! She even paid some other people to build it for her!"  
"She did? Who?"  
"Whoops, I wasn't supposed to tell you that! Hehe! Gotta run!" Before Steena could stop him, Skelly had already ran away.  
"Wee are almoost ready," squeaked Starky, who was also passing by. He looked up at Steena. "Whaat is wroong, Steena?"  
"It is nothing, Starky," sighed Steena. "So, how do you think the match will turn out?"  
"OMNI has neever lost a fiight befoore, and Starky beelieves OMNI wiill not loose a fiight in the fuuture."  
"Luccia, Grobyc, and you sure do make a great team," nodded Steena. Starky nodded.  
"Yeah! Weell, Starky muust be going noow! See yoou later, Steena!"  
  


"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Battlebots exhibition tournament event, pitting two titans against each other in a fight to the death! In the red square, to my right... driven not by mortal hands but by demons from the very pit of Hell, here's the infamous... Chinkilla!" The audience let out a long string of booing and hissing. "And in the blue square, to my left... Honesty, virtue, kindness, morality, decency! These words are definitely not included in the vocabulary of... OMNI!" The crowd went berserk, cheering on their new "champion". Grobyc prepared himself, and Starky and Luccia made sure that everything was running smoothly. This would not be a clean fight.  
"The box is locked, the lights are on, it's robot fightin' time!!!"  
"WOW! OMNI just tears out of its corner and rams into Chinkilla! Tears that thing apart! OH! OH! I _do not believe _what I just saw! OMNI just tore off Chinkilla's face!"  
"Gave him the facelift from Hell, I'd say!"  
"That was unbelievable!! ...Uh-oh, what's OMNI up to now? Is he? Is he? Look at that! Look at the sheer power of OMNI, lifting poor Chinkilla like an origami doll! Aaaaaaand OH! German suplex! Not a move you'd want to get!"  
"Chinkilla on his back, almost... completely helpless. Bill, did he even stand a chance?"  
"No he did not. As we have seen, OMNI is a bot that's just unstoppable."  
"Uh-oh, what's he doing now? He's smacking Chinkilla around with those very powerful arms! He's cutting a hole in Chinkilla's belly with his hands! And now he's lifting Chinkilla again, perhaps for a second suplex?"  
"No... OMNI's up to something... OH!! OH!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!! OMNI just ripped Chinkilla in two!!! OMNI... oh... I feel faint...!!"  
"Crowd's going berserk!! That was incredible!! OMNI tore up Chinkilla like a paper bag, and now he's tossing away the pieces. Unbelievable!! Simply unbelievable. The fans are going ballistic! Listen to 'em! And yet, who couldn't see this coming, with a bot as good as OMNI?"  
"Certainly not me. I expected OMNI to win and win fast, and it did just that."  
"Well, the fat lady has sung, and we have a brand-new champion!"  
  


****

Adventures in Las Vegas, part VI: Universal Domination  


Three hours passed. Luccia, Grobyc, Starky, Kid, Mel, and Norris were all celebrating in their full glory, and Janice was still crying. Leena had beaten the game she was playing, and the Battlebots tournament was just a distant memory. The gang was ready to leave. But one thing stood in their way. The hotel manager saw how skilled the group was, so he made a wager: if Leena and five of her friends could beat Universal Domination in ten hours or less, then the hotel bills would be on the house. If not... they would have to pay.  
  
Leena accepted the challenge. She chose Starky, Janice, Guile, Mojo, and Steena.  
  


"Do you remember the rules?" asked the referee. Nobody ever recalled getting rules in the first place.  
"We never got any ?!#$%&!^ rules," shouted Guile.  
"But did you get ?%&%1#$&#? rules?" asked the referee.  
"I thought we were using the ?!#$%&!^ rules," noted Janice.  
"Yeah, that's it. Anyway, here are the rules to Universal Domination: the six of you will each select a character you feel comfortable playing with. You must guide that character through all 100 levels of the game, beat the game, and enter your names in the Hall of Fame. You will be allowed 100G each, giving you a total of ten lives to get through the game. As long as at least one of you gets to the end, which probably won't happen, you will win the game and the debts will be cleared. But if everybody runs out of lives before the end of the game, then every G must be accounted for. Understand?" All six players nodded their heads. "Then good luck. You have ten hours."  


Leena, Starky, Janice, Guile, Mojo, and Steena each selected a character that they thought would suit them best in the game, and immediately plunged into the first level. Universal Domination took place in a gigantic tower, with ten large floors in it. Each floor had ten levels to it, and every tenth level had a terrifically difficult boss enemy waiting to destroy any heroes. The recognized world record was 92 levels in fifteen hours. Nobody had ever beaten the game.  
But with their lackluster cooperation and the lukewarm support of their friends, the six team members were determined to beat that record. Already the first level (also known as the Common Floor) had been cleared with hardly any injuries; the game was programmed so that almost anybody could get past the first few levels with relative ease. With six skilled players hacking away at the cabinet, even the most difficult enemies were pushovers. Finally, the Manticore monster that guarded the First Floor was defeated, and the team could go on. Nobody suffered major damage and everyone still had plenty of money to spare.  
Leena had chosen a Cleric: typically weak in the offensive department, she figured she'd use her character's magic skills to heal her other party members and propel them to levels unknown to the casual player. Her choice was absolutely crucial in the Undead Floor (which was the third), where she led the party to countless victories over zombies, vampires, ghosts, environmentalists, cuddly bears, and other horrifying monsters.  
Mojo, on the other hand, chose a Wizard. Like a pyromaniac gone berserk, Mojo tossed around his magic like a hot potato, killing enemies all around him. He was instrumental in the Undead Floor, although he was nearly wiped out in the fourth floor--No Magic Allowed Floor. His greatest moment was lighting up the seventh floor--Darkness Floor.  
Steena chose a Mystic Knight, and the character fit her like a glove. She wiped out the Undead floor and was crucial in the fifth and sixth floors--Puzzling Floor and Go Berserk Floors, respectively. Steena and Leena made an especially good team, wiping out enemies and recovering allies at blinding speeds. There were very few enemies that could boast defeating the mighty duo.  
Janice chose a Ninja to represent her in the field. Although unable to boast terrific strength, the ninja could use throwing weapons and two short sword, not to mention incredible speed and evasion. Janice greatly supported Mojo in the Darkness Floor and was often used to deal out important blows to stubborn boss enemies. Janice was also one of the few characters to have went through the Go Berserk floor without much hassle.  
Guile, having his favorite Wizard taken away, chose to go along with the Mage, a cross between the Cleric and Wizard. Although not as strong as either one, Guile could combine both magics to not only take the offense, but the defense as well. Guile fared fairly well in the No Magic Allowed floor, but was nearly eradicated in the Go Berserk floor. Guile's character was the first to meet his doom, in the Go Berserk floor.  
Finally, Starky chose to control the Giant. Boasting the highest physical and defensive ratings and the lowest speed, Starky chose to clobber his opponents over zapping them from afar. He was crucial in the No Magic Allowed floor and helped immensely in the Puzzle floor, but his worst moments were all in the Caution floor, which was littered with traps.  


Together, the six of them destroyed the Evil Cactus that guarded the Caution floor, obliterated Dracula in the Undead floor, and gave the Warrior a whipping in the No Magic Allowed floor. The Enigma proved a greater challenge in the Puzzling floor, and the Ten Berserkers that protected the Go Berserk floor proved too much for Guile, and he had to quit the game.  
The six other floors behind them and a few G still left in their pockets, the five teammates decided to finally work together to get through the remaining four. A few of their friends actually gave support, and one person even cheered. The cheers got louder after everyone cleared the Darkness floor, and soon turned into screaming when the Insanity floor was cleared (the Shade enemy proved no problem, but the five Gold Dragons spelled the end of Mojo's playing). Even the referee was stunned as the four remaining players lumbered through the Ninth floor, the Floor of Doom. Everyone proved to be stronger than was originally thought when they went face-to-fang with the Grim Reaper, and soon they had made it to the Final Floor, the Forbidden Floor.  
The entire room held its breath when the four remaining players passed through level 90. Eight hours had passed by, and only two hours and ten levels remained. Unfortunately, Starky's Giant finally gave out in the 92nd level, sacrificing everything so that the group could break the current record and move on to the unknown levels.  
Levels 93, 94, and 95 passed by like a nightmare for the remaining three players. Half their number had been annihilated, and only Janice and Steena still had ten G or so left. Every level only increased in difficulty: puzzles became ludicrously harder, enemies grew in disproportionate numbers and uncanny strength, and the levels seemed to grow longer by the minute. But they persevered, and levels 96, 97, and 98 were cleared.  
Disaster struck the group near the end of level 99, where Leena's Cleric finally succumbed to the evil forces, leaving only Steena and Janice to trudge onward. Nobody had ever seen the final boss, except for perhaps the twisted programmers. Some said that it was a god that killed your characters the second you saw it; others claimed that it was a horrible mutant that compiled of every single enemy in the entire game. Still others said that there was no final boss, and that Level 100 was an Easter Egg stage: something easy and simple, to reward the players after a hard game. They were all, however, wrong.  
The final enemy in Universal Domination, the one that awaited Steena and Janice on Level 100 at the top of the Tower in the Forbidden Floor, was none other than Thanatos, the Angel of Death.  
"You ready to rock, Steena?" grinned Janice, bracing herself.  
"I am," she replied sternly, giving her Knight an extra ten Gs. Instantly, Thanatos tore the heroes apart, sending their energy bars in the red. Janice decided now was a good time to use up the remainder of her weapons, and was soon throwing everything she had at the evil monster. Steena, barely hanging in the fight, launched a brutal attack that amazed even the referee. Thanatos was cornered, but Janice was running out of weapons to throw, and Steena was running out of steam. She threw her last ten Gs in the machine, boosting her Knight's life.  
Thanatos killed Janice twice in the fight and killed Steena once; they both recovered their positions with a well-timed insertion of money. With only about ten minutes left to go, they decided to end the fight and crowded around the evil lord of darkness, giving him everything they had.  
"Steena! Steena! Steena! Steena!" chanted Leena. Everyone soon began chanting for Steena.  
"Janice! Janice! Janice! Janice!" chanted Starky, and soon the entire gang was cheering for the two women. Even Norris was cheering, although nobody could hear him over the roaring. Suddenly, the group held their collective breaths as Steena's Knight finally died, and a short moment of dreadful silence goaded Janice to take the win. Soon everyone was screaming for Janice, even the referee, even the hotel manager, all of Las Vegas wanted Janice to WIN!  
Her character in the red, her money vanished, and her weapons gone, Janice loaded herself for bear and decided to go for broke. Striking Thanatos again and again, she bit her lip in hopes of a stunning victory, or at least an honorable death. Thanatos raised his arms for an attack...  
"OH MY GOODNESS, SHE DID IT!!!!!" screamed Orlha, leaping up and down in a wild frenzy. She accidentally kissed Glenn in the confusion, apologized profusely, and decided to kiss Norris instead. The hotel manager went berserk, somebody kissed Janice, and soon the entire room was filled with the roar of cheering and shouting and chants of "Janice, Janice!". Nervously they watched the lengthy ending, and with shivering arms, Janice entered the names of her five comrades in the Hall of Fame.

When the "Congratulations! You've Become the Universal Champion!" flashed on the screen, the entire hotel was flooded with chaos and roaring and shouting and cheering. Everyone hoisted Janice and the other players up on their shoulders, and even Karsh allowed somebody to play the theme song to "Rocky".  
  


Thus concludes the adventures in Las Vegas. General Viper was escorted outside with a hero's farewell, and Janice was the celebrity of the hour. The atmosphere of success and a fun-filled vacation was still hovering in the air, and it was unanimously decided that it really wouldn't do to go home just yet, not with such wonderful places to explore and such wonderful things to see. No, my friends, Las Vegas was only the beginning!!!!! Stay tuned for further adventures in...  
  


****

The Chrono Cross Road Trip!  
  
  
  


"...Oi! Old' on a second!" squealed Kid, stopping Grobyc.  
"Yes-what-is-it-Kid?"  
"Ain't we missing' someone?" For a few seconds, everybody paused and thought about it.  
"Fargo?" said Irenes.  
"Yeah, but who else?" said Kid. Suddenly, Zoah remembered.  
"SEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


	6. Hooray for Hollywood

****

PART SIX: HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD  


"Arr, Serge, ya hear that! We're goin' home!" Serge looked up from his bed and waved lazily at Fargo. He gave him a "Fargo-you-moronic-idiot-I-didn't-hear-a-blasted-thing" look and went back to sleep. Fargo growled and threw an empty bucket at him. The bucket landed neatly over his head and got stuck there, and Serge's new name became Sir Bucket Head.  
"_Surely_, this is Houston calling," blared the radio. Fargo said a naughty word.  
"Arr! How many times do I hafta tell you, DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEY!"  
"You're entering our atmosphere, _Surely_," replied mission control, ignoring the pirate.  
"I told you ta stop doin' that!"  
"We'll look forward to seeing you, _Surely_," cried mission control.  
"I SAID--" Sir Bucket Head slammed a crowbar at Fargo, and Fargo went beddy-bye.  
"Roger that, _Surely_. Over and out."  
  
  


"Isn't that a lovely tree?" pointed Radius.  
"That's not a tree!" roared Karsh. "That's a FAIR!"  
"There ain't no village!" insisted Kid. Karsh whimpered.  
"But we'll miss the fair!!!!!!"  
"Stop acting like such a big baby, Karsh!" roared Marcy. He pouted.  
"You're mean!" Marcy growled and suddenly decided to argue with Leena.  
"Akira Toriyama reject!" she said. Leena gasped, highly offended.  
"Why I never! Well, you've got the brains of tapioca pudding!"  
"Slave driver!"  
"Munchkin!"  
"Presidential intern!"  
"Midget worshipper!"  
"Irish punk!"  
"Sega lover!"  
"Cactus hugger!"  
"Spoiled brat!"  
"Playboy reject!"  
"Terrorist!"  
"Greedy duck squeezer!"  
"Cow kisser!"  
"Pincher of sensitive areas!"  
"Ignoramus!"  
"Trekkie!"  
"Fattie!"  
"Monkees fan!"  
"Pinhead!"  
"Environmentalist wacko!"  
"Liberal!"  
"Bureaucrat!"  
"United States Senate Majority Leader!"  
"Ooooooooooooooooooooh!" The entire bus grew dangerously quiet as they stared at the two girls. Marcy grew red in the face.  
"I... I... I know you are but what am I?"  
"Pig!"  
"Isn't that a lovely tree?" pointed Radius. Suddenly, Space Shuttle Surely crashed on the bus and blew it to smithereens.  
"Oh my gosh!" shrieked Macha. "They killed Ted!" Sure enough, once everyone had been evacuated from the burning bus, they could see the remains of Ted from Suikoden.  
"We're baaaaaa-aaaaaack!" shouted Fargo, emerging from the shuttle. Everyone ignored him and ran over to Serge. The guys were giving him high-fives and headlocks while half of the females were flirting with him. Fargo grew very sad and wished that Mr. Owl were here.  
"But I am here, Fargo!" hooted Mr. Owl. Fargo and Radius leaped for joy, but Norris blew up Mr. Owl's head.  
"You killed Mr. Owl!" cried Radius.  
"We've got to continue our trip," replied Norris, tucking his gun inside its holster.  
"BUT OUR BUS HAS BEEN BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS," stated Zoah, crossing his arms. Everyone looked at the burning bus, and it blew up a few times. "SO WE'RE STRANDED."  
"Nuh-uh!" pouted Janice. "I know a way we can make it to Vegas!" Kid sighed and shook her head in defeat.  
"Janice, sheila, there ain't no way all of us blokes can fit in some car, if that's what yer thinkin'. Whaddya expect, a funeral procession?" Suddenly, a long funeral procession magically appeared. They were all of Ted's friends, all four of them, riding in a long line of cars. Kid laughed out loud as she stuck her nearly-naked leg out and thumbed the cars over. Young Master popped out of the car and looked at her.  
"Ted's dead!" cried Gremio. Cleo grunted and hit him on the head. C-3PO died.  
"Yeah, we killed Ted," smiled Kid, gazing at the handsome hero. Serge began fuming. "But we need a ride ta--say, where're we goin' anyways?"  
"Hollywood!" hooted Mojo, doing a jig. A dwarf suddenly ran into his nail.  
"You murdered a Dwarf!" screamed Steena. Everyone broke out in bad laughter.  
"So you'll take us along?" squealed Kid innocently, shamelessly flirting with Tir. He nodded his head and invited her into his car. Everyone else squeezed in the other cars, and Grobyc threw Ted's remains in some cardboard box.  
  


33,567 seconds later...  


"We are in Hollywood," noted Viper. "Isn't it good?"  
"Norwegian wood!" pointed Pahn, spying Sprigg's stick. Sprigg beat him with it and he almost killed her, but she was saved by The Magical Mysterious Dr. Feelgood of the Eternal Prussian Police Force and His Lovely Assistant Barbara the Magnificent Juggler of Flaming Hot Torches.  
"Hey everyone!" pointed Van. "It's The Magical Mysterious Dr. Feelgood of the Eternal Prussian Police Force and His Lovely Assistant Barbara the Magnificent Juggler of Flaming Hot Torches! Say hello, everyone!" Everyone waved.  
"Hi, The Magical Mysterious Dr. Feelgood of the Eternal Prussian Police Force and His Lovely Assistant Barbara the Magnificent Juggler of Flaming Hot Torches! How are you?"  
"Oh, we're fine," said The Magical Mysterious Dr. Feelgood of the Eternal Prussian Police Force and His Lovely Assistant Barbara the Magnificent Juggler of Flaming Hot Torches. Van grinned.  
"I'm glad. Say, The Magical Mysterious Dr. Feelgood of the Eternal Prussian Police Force and His Lovely Assistant Barbara the Magnificent Juggler of Flaming Hot Torches, what are you two doing here?"  
"Well," replied The Magical Mysterious Dr. Feelgood of the Eternal Prussian Police Force and His Lovely Assistant Barbara the Magnificent Juggler of Flaming Hot Torches, "we came to save Sprigg from the wrath of Pahn."  
"But The Magical Mysterious Dr. Feelgood of the Eternal Prussian Police Force and His Lovely Assistant Barbara the Magnificent Juggler of Flaming Hot Torches, won't you be joining us?" whimpered Janice.  
"Maybe," said The Magical Mysterious Dr. Feelgood of the Eternal Prussian Police Force and His Lovely Assistant Barbara the Magnificent Juggler of Flaming Hot Torches. "It all depends on where you're going. Where are you going?"  
"Well, The Magical Mysterious Dr. Feelgood of the Eternal Prussian Police Force and His Lovely Assistant Barbara the Magnificent Juggler of Flaming Hot Torches," said Van, "we're going to Hollywood."  
"So are we!" exclaimed The Magical Mysterious Dr. Feelgood of the Eternal Prussian Police Force and His Lovely Assistant Barbara the Magnificent Juggler of Flaming Hot Torches. "What a coincidence! Then we will join you!"  
"Cool!" grinned Miki, putting her arms around The Magical Mysterious Dr. Feelgood of the Eternal Prussian Police Force and His Lovely Assistant Barbara the Magnificent Juggler of Flaming Hot Torches. "It'll be great having more performers on the road."  
"I'm hungry," said Viper. He walked into the kitchen.  
"Stay out of the kitchen!" said Orcha. So he did. How a kitchen got on the bus was a mystery.  
  


An unknown amount of seconds later...  
  


"Well, we are in Hollywood now," screamed Greco. "Let us party."  
"Yes. Party," exclaimed Nikki.  
"We shall have fun," roared Orcha.  
"Fun, fun, fun," shrieked Glenn.  
"I may die from all this fun we're having," yelled Leena.  
"It's too late for me," boomed Skelly.  
"**_I want an Easter egg_**!!!!!!!!!!" whispered Pip.  
  


****

Adventures in Hollywood, Episode One: The Fan-Dumb Menace  
  


Nikki, Miki, Serge, and Kid were walking quietly down Vine Street when they noticed a sizable group of teenagers. One of them shouted, "It's them!", and another shouted, "Sq-Sq-Sq-Squaresoft!!" The girls began screaming hysterically and bolted towards Nikki and Serge; the boys swooned and ran off towards Kid and Miki. Suddenly somebody began playing "A Hard Day's Night", and well, you can imagine the rest.  
  


****

Adventures in Hollywood, Episode Two: Attack of the Bones  
  


Skelly skipped across Hollywood and met many famous people. Skip, Skelly, Skip. He bumped into Michael Jackson and participated in a remake of "Thriller". Dance, Skelly, Dance. He then went to the coffee shop and ordered a cappuccino, but was refused because he didn't have a belly to put the drink in. Sue, Skelly, Sue. After he blew up the coffee shop, Skelly tripped and fell, flinging his bony face into the fresh cement of Hollywood's Chinese Theater. Grin, Skelly, Grin. Several guards tried to arrest him but he got away and made his way into a studio. Run, Forrest, Run. He bumped into Tom Hanks and ruined a really good movie. Apologize, Skelly, Apologize. After leaving the studio, he came across a used car joint and bought the largest SUV you could ever imagine. Buy, Skelly, Buy. It held 45 people easily, but Skelly wondered about non-people. Think, Skelly, Think.  
  


****

Adventures in Hollywood, Episode Three: Fall of the Republic, Spring of the Democracy  
  


Korcha beat up Regis Philbin again. Steena was last seen battling Madam Cleo to the death, while Cleo was helping her. Cleo killed Cleo and she left and Young Master got married to Kasumi, even though she's like, a ninja, and that stupid Leena's, like, a cactus hugger, and I think that Pip is, like, the cutest little thing ever (except when he, like, tries to kill everyone), and Zoah smells funny, and Karsh, like oops he's coming for me I can't write anymo  
  


****

Adventures in Hollywood, Episode Four: A New Hop  
  


Skelly tripped over a pole. Trip, Skelly, Trip. He got up and threw the pole into a pool where it conked Rodney Dangerfield on the head. Get no respect, Skelly, Get no respect. Skelly then met the guy that played Harry Potter and shoved a spear through his skull. Kill, Skelly, Kill. The police found him and riddled his body with bullets, but Skelly was unaffected. Laugh, Skelly, Laugh. The Fan Dumbs continued to chase Nikki, Miki, Serge, and Kid, until they ran into the police squad and then there was a really big mess. Fight scene, Skelly, fight scene.  
  


****

Adventures in Hollywood, Episode Five: The Umpire Strikes Brak  
  


"That was a strike!"  
"Ow."  
"That was a strike!"  
"Ow."  
"That was a strike!"  
"Ow."  
"That was a strike!"  
"Ow."  
"That was a strike!"  
"Ow."  
"That was a strike!"  
"Ow."  
"That was a strike!"  
"Ow."  
"That was a strike!"  
"Ow."  
"That was a strike!"  
"Ow."  
"That was a strike!"  
"Ow!"  
"Play ball!"  
  


****

Adventures in Hollywood, Episode Six: Return of the Jed. Clampet, that is!  
  


Now Skelly and his crew had enough'a Hollywood  
They decided it'd be time to run away if they could  
So they packed up all their things and left the big locality  
For another heapin' helpin' of Road Trippin' misery!  
Hillbilly style, that is! Bye for now, folks.  
Y'all come back now, y'hear?  
  
  


"Okay, that was a tad on the weird side," grumbled Glenn. Sir Bucket Head agreed.  
"Hey, aren't we missing somebody?" said Doc. Everyone moaned.  
"I'm still here!" squealed Janice. Everyone moaned louder.  
"And I'm still here!" shouted Skelly. Everyone moaned even louder.  
"I got it!" said Van. "We're missing The Magical Mysterious Dr. Feelgood of the Eternal Prussian Police Force and His Lovely Assistant Barbara the Magnificent Juggler of Flaming Hot Torches!" Everyone jumped in their seat.  
"No jumping in the seat," said Viper.  
"Well you did it, too," pointed Razzly.  
"I was just overcome. It won't happen again," he sniffed.  
"Don't try to hide your emotions!" shouted Orlha.  
"I'm not! I'm just saying that I don't think it's appropriate for duck broth--"  
"THE BALL OF YARN!!!!!" Radius shrieked out the previous phrase, slamming his face against the nearest window as he gazed sadly at the world's biggest ball of yarn. "Oh, we passed it! Turn around, Pierre!"  
"Non non, monsieur Radius!" sang Pierre. "We must go to ze next destination, non?"  
"Moi hate you, Monsieur Pierre!" shouted Harle, jumping in her seat.  
"No jumping in the seat," said Viper.  
"Are we there yet?" asked Mel.  
"I don't even know where we're going," said Sneff. "Where are we going?" Turnip smiled and almost jumped in his seat. He glared at Viper before speaking.  
"We art going-eth to Chinatown!"  
"Yippee!"


	7. Forget About It, Moltar. It's Chinatown.

****

PART SEVEN: FORGET ABOUT IT, MOLTAR. IT'S CHINATOWN.  


"Now we are in Chinatown."  
"Thank you, Captain Plot Device," grumbled Norris.  
"It's a pleasure," saluted Captain Plot Device. "My my, isn't this grand?" Everybody looked around them and saw Chinatown. It was very pretty and shiny but had a funny smell to it. Riddel began giggling uncontrollably.  
"What is it, Lady Riddel?" asked Karsh.  
"This town... hahaha!... has a funny... g'heeheehee... smell to it... gwa'hahaha!"  
"It is not that funny," sighed Van. Mel rolled on the floor laughing.  
"I don't think you should be rolling on the floor, Mel," said Korcha, scratching his head. "You don't know where it's been." He beat up Regis Philbin again and wandered off to catch a fish. Everyone forgot about Dr. Feelgood and Barbara (Ha! You thought I'd say it all, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?) and separated. Mojo suddenly went backwards and skewered his nail on something.  
"Oh my gosh, you killed Aeris!" screamed Macha.  
  


****

Adventures in Chinatown, Part 1: Sir Bucket Head vs. The Biker Quartet  
  


Sir Bucket Head walked inside of a biker bar to use the phone. He put in a Gil and pressed the buttons for his secret sweetheart's cell phone (unbeknownst to Kid, Leena, Harle, and Gertrude the Magical Singing Cow, but knownst to us readers, Sir Bucket Head actually does have another girlfriend back at home!). He heard the phone ring twice before she picked it up.  
"Hello? Sergey! Sergey-poo! I missed you, snookums!" The girl squealed out his name but paused. "What? Your name is Sir Bucket Head? How silly! Then I shall call you Sir Serge with a Bucket on His Brain, how about that? No?" Sir Bucket Head covered the phone and glared at the rude bikers that were making a ruckus in the bar.  
"I say, Snake, that unfortunate chap over there is being quite rude," said a mean-looking biker. Snake, a man with a jillion tattoos, nodded his head and drank his imported wine.  
"I quite agree with you there, Killjoy. He's disturbing our rousing game of televised cricket. I do so hate it when my cricket match is disturbed!"  
"I cannot disagree, gentlemen," replied a biker with body piercing everywhere. "And I was so looking forward to the Philharmonic's presentation of Brahms' First Symphony, too. Well, we must teach him a lesson then, what?" The other two bikers nodded their heads fiercely. A fourth, a muscular man with more hair on his brow than his head, stopped them.  
"Snake, Killjoy, I am surprised at your behavior. And Rhino, you should be ashamed of yourself! This lad here is merely trying to communicate with his secret sweetheart back home, and our din is getting in the way of things!"  
"What do you suggest, Back-breaker?" asked Rhino. Back-breaker grinned evilly.  
"We shall humiliate him in front of all these gentlemen," he suggested. The others liked this idea very much, gave a hoorah, and ganged up on Sir Bucket Head. He looked up from his phone sheepishly.  
"Sorry, old chap, but we've come to... _disconnect_ you," smiled Snake. The others laughed.  
"Jolly good joke there, Snake! Jolly good indeed, what. Here, let's pry him away from this telephone and force him to do something silly!" The bikers grabbed Sir Bucket Head and put him on a table. He looked down at them anxiously.  
"Dance!" they shouted. "Dance, dance! What? There's no music!" The bikers grumbled amongst themselves before finally deciding on a musical piece that Sir Bucket Head could dance to. Back-breaker dropped a quarter in a nearby jukebox, and it began playing Tchaikovsky's "Waltz of the Flowers". Sir Bucket Head gulped. Suddenly the song ended and was replaced by the superior "Tequila", and Sir Bucket Head spent the next two minutes amusing the bikers.  
  


****

Adventures in Chinatown, Part 2: Captain Plot Device vs. Goshzilla  
  


****

Warning: in order to satisfy those of you who are "politically correct", we have replaced Godzilla with the PC version, Goshzilla. If you are still offended, go kiss a chicken. 

Anyway, Goshzilla ran through Chinatown and started roaring and spewing fire. People ran away in terror. Captain Plot Device stuck his leg out and Goshzilla tripped on it and fell, squishing buildings, a few people, and a certain boy.  
"Oh my gosh! You killed Ted!" screamed Macha. Captain Plot Device was instantly devoured by Goshzilla, and Doc finally found out who stole his cheesecake.  
  


****

Adventures in Chinatown, Part 3: Turnip vs. Chinatown  
  


"I shalt take-th over this town!" cried Turnip, brandishing his sword. He hopped over to the house where King of Chinatown lived. "King of Chinatown," said Turnip, "I shalt be taking-eth over thy city!"  
"Oh no," said King of Chinatown, a look of fear on his face. "A demonic vegetable has come to invade us and take over the world! I am helpless before you, O mighty Turnip!" King of Chinatown bowed down and started to worship Turnip, and so Turnip became the new King of Chinatown. He leaped on his throne and ordered Old King of Chinatown to put a goldfish in his pants and dance around. Was there any hope for Chinatown?  
"Stop right dere!!!!!!!" shouted Irenes dramatically, breaking the door of Old King of Chinatown's palace down. She pointed her finger and five cops aimed rifles at Turnip. "Herr Turnip, why did you take over Chinatown?"  
"I knoweth not," he replied, shrugging. "I was bored." Irenes laughed and threw her lute at Turnip. It hit King of Chinatown's head and he made a funny sound. Turnip shouted to his guards. "Seize her!"  
"Gladly," they swooned, halfway drooling as they ran towards Irenes. She kicked all forty-eight of the guards with her flipper and glided over their unconscious bodies, glaring at Turnip.  
"Turnip, you got a lotta splainin' ta do!!"  
"Waaaahhhhh!!!"  
  


****

Adventures in Chinatown, Part 4: Starky vs. The Man  
  


Turnip got thrown in jail for trying to take over Chinatown. Old King of Chinatown ordered Irenes locked up because she hurt his noggin, and everyone else because they were funny-looking. He finally arrested Starky for being an illegal alien, and Sergeant Peppor got his promotion at last.  
"Not agaain," sighed Starky, shaking his head softly. Irenes cooed.  
"Ohhh, we love you, herr Starky," she sang. "It ist not your fault. It ist Turnip's!"  
"Sorr-y!" he replied, shaking his head.  
"Hey guys, check this out!" sang Skelly, sliding through the prison bars. "I'm in prison! Now I'm free! I'm in prison! Now I'm free! I'm in prison! Now I'm free! I'm in prison! Now I'm free! I'm--"  
"Shut up and steal the keys already!" growled Karsh. Skelly smiled and hopped over to where the keys were. They had been conveniently hung on a nail. Soon our heroes were free and Turnip was slapped around by Marcy a few times before being allowed to escape. Naturally, they left Janice behind.  
  
  


"I feel-eth so ashamed," sighed Turnip sadly. Irenes smiled.  
"Forget about it, herr Turnip. It ist Chinatown. We are a forgiving group, ja?"  
"Boo!" Irenes sighed and wished that Mr. Owl were here. He briefly flew into the SUV but Norris blew his brains out.  
"You killed Mr. Owl!" cried Radius. Norris shrugged. Pierre slammed the SUV into a wandering traveler.  
"Oh my gosh! You killed Aeris!" screamed Macha.  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"Oh, bite me again... ...ack, heehee, don't blow in my ears, they're very--HEY, PERVERT! GET OUT BEFORE I SHOVE THIS CARROT WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE!!!" Whoops, looks like I came at a bad time!  


  
_Meanwhile-meanwhile..._  
  


"Sergeant Peppor?"  
"Y-yes, King of Chinatown?"  
"No promotion for you!"  
"N-noooooooooo!!!"  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"Ohhh... oh yes, Leena doesn't know what she--HEY, WHAT DID I SAY BEFORE, BUSTER!?!?!" Whoops, not again! Why don't people tell me these things?  
  


__

Meanwhile-_meanwhile_...  
  


"Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall!"  
"Shut up, Skelly!" shouted Sprigg. He kept on singing.  
  


Minutes later...  


"One bottle of beer on the--" Hey, are you two ready yet? You are? You sure? Okay....  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


Janice fluffed up her ears, wagged her tail, and wiggled her nose.  
"There! Am I presentable?" Sir Bucket Head grinned and she blushed furiously. "Oh, Sir Serge with a Bucket on His Brain, you say the sweetest things! I'm glad I got lost with you..." She gazed into his eyes lovingly, shamelessly flirting with him as they made their way out of Chinatown and back on the road, but first Sir Bucket Head had to say farewell to some biker friends.  
  


__

Meanwhile-meanwhile...  
  


"Where are we going?" asked Sneff.  
"Nebwaska!" sang Pip.  
"Why?"  
"WWF Touhnament!"  
"Oh. Killer." And they all went to Nebraska for a WWF Tournament. Pierre drove.


	8. The Most Pointless and Stupid Part of th...

****

PART EIGHT: THE MOST POINTLESS AND STUPID PART OF THE STORY EVER  


Adventures in Nebraska, Epoch I: When not a whole lot happens  
  


Leena swung her frying pan at Ted and he died.  


"Oh my gosh, you killed Ted!" screamed Macha.  
"That's getting old," said Razzly.  
"You are right, it is getting old." They killed Ted one more time and threw him in the Legendary Nebraska Bottomless Hole of Wonders, and he was never? seen again.  
  


****

Adventures in Nebraska, Epoch II: When not much else happens here, either  
  


C-3PO died.  
**  
**

Adventures in Nebraska, Epoch III: Something happens!  
  


Korcha beat up Regis Philbin and Dick Clark. And Ted died.  
  


****

Adventures in Nebraska, Epoch IV: Orcha's Socks Go On a Killing Spree  
  


Orcha's socks went on a killing spree and killed Ted one "last" time. Then Draggy burned the socks and Orcha was very sad.  
  


Several Adventures later...  
  


****

Adventures in Nebraska, Epoch LXXVIIII: Don't Ask  
  


Greco, Karsh, Zoah, Marcy, and Orlha all signed up for the grand WWF Tournament that would be held in Nebraska. Don't ask why it was in Nebraska. Don't ask why they could sign up. Don't ask why Janice and Serge are secret lovers. Don't ask how Skelly could eat Doc's cheesecake. Don't ask why Sprigg doesn't have a big part in here. Don't ask why Pierre is driving, or why Razzly is shotgun. Don't ask why Orlha has a thing for Norris. Don't ask why Norris has a thing for pie. Don't ask why Ted and Aeris keep on dying. Don't ask to kill Ted or Aeris yourself. Don't ask if we're there or not. Don't ask to use the bathroom, Karsh. Don't ask why Pip has more girlfriends than Serge, Tir, Tenchi, Cloud, Edgar, Darien, Crono, King Solomon, or Gilbert combined. Don't ask why you shouldn't ask.  
  


****

Adventures in Nebraska, Epoch LXXIX: Rumble  
  


Finally, the big day of the WWF Tournament was nigh. Ten legendary fighters would be in the ring for the ultimate tag-team match, but only one team could win (duh). On one side, there was the ferocious team of Greco, Karsh, Zoah, Marcy, and Orlha; on the other was "Macho Man" Randy Savage, Charlton Heston, Governor Jessie Ventura, Barney the dinosaur, and Donny Osmond. Fans of the ferocious wrestlers and video game personas packed the stadium until there was nary a seat left.  
"Laaaaadieeeeeeeeeeeeeeees aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd gentlemeeennnnnnnnn!!!" The audience focused their attention towards the game announcer as he made the announcing announcements for the game. "This is a WWF Rummmmmmble Royaaaaaallllllll, featuring ten of the greateeeeeeeest fighters to ever graaaaaaaaaaaace the rinnnnnnnnnnnnng!! In this corner, the formidable force from Chrono Cross: Greco, Karsh, Zoah, Marcy, and Orlha!!" The audience nearly fainted from all the cheering.

"Aaaaaaaaaaand in the other corner, the fiercest champions of the wrestling riiiiiiing: Randy 'Macho Man' Savage, Charlton Heston, Barney the dinosaur, Donny Osmond, and Governor Jessie Ventura!!!" The audience nearly lost their vocal cords from all the cheering. "Ladies and gentlemen, uuuuuuuuuuullllllllet's get ready to rummmmmmmmmm-bullllllllll!!!!!!!!" The bell sounded, and the ten wrestlers flooded into the ring, intended on killing each other.  


Karsh began the fight by flinging his great axe at Barney's head, splitting his skull open like a coconut. Barney survived, though, and bounded across the ring, laughing maniacally and insisting on a hug. Marcy screamed as she saw Barney pounding off towards her, and ran around the ring like a chicken with its head cut off. Donny Osmond produced a chicken with its head still on and chucked it at Greco, but he caught it and threw it back at Donny with amazing force. It struck him in the torso and threw him senseless across the ring.  
Zoah leaped high up in the air, performing his Gyronimo tech skill on Charlton Heston. But Heston avoided the attack and began kick-boxing Zoah's helmet like an old kick-boxer. Zoah caught his leg in one of his kicks and threw Cheston across the ring like a twig. Orlha tackled Donny Osmond as he was down, pinning him to the floor until he was counted out; Randy Savage pounded Marcy as she was being chased by Barney, and the referee was forced to tape a knockout on Marcy's wrestling record.  
"I'm gonna veto you!" bellowed Jessie Ventura, grappling Greco by the arms. They pushed each other fiercely, holding a powerful lock throughout the entire fight. Karsh was still hacking away at Barney, who was showing no signs of dying. Zoah continued to do battle with Charlton Heston, and Orlha was fighting Randy Savage to the death. Suddenly, surprise wrestlers Adam West and Ted entered the ring, and started to gang up on Karsh. He swung his axe at Ted, hacking his head off with a single blow.  
"Oh my gosh, you killed Ted!" screamed Macha. Orlha kicked Randy Savage's chin, sending him flying outside of the ring and landing squarely on Donny Osmond's noggin. Barney the dinosaur suddenly lurched towards Zoah, leaped high up in the air, and flattened Charlton and the mighty Dragoon with a devastating body-slam. But Zoah wasn't finished yet; with a mighty heft, he lifted Barney off of the ground and slammed the dinosaur's spine on his muscular knee, shattering the backbone into trillions of pieces.  
Orlha peeled Heston off of the ring with a spatula and tossed him out, but Adam West beat her stupid and tossed her out as well. Salivating like a rabid wolf, Adam West tore off after Zoah, who swung his arm around so fiercely he nearly knocked Adam's block off.  


(Wrestlers gone: Donny Osmond, Marcy, Ted, Randy Savage, Charlton Heston, Orlha, Adam West. Wrestlers remaining: Karsh, Zoah, Greco, Jessie Ventura, Barney)  


Zoah suddenly grabbed Jessie Ventura's neck as he was pushing Greco, and pulled on his head fiercely. He performed an amazing suplex, sending the good governor packing. Now only Barney was left, and the three remaining wrestlers ganged up on the stupid dinosaur and pounded him to oblivion. Finally, Zoah and Karsh performed their double tech skills, hacking Barney into a billion pieces. The referee counted him out, and the Chrono Cross gang won the fight.  
"No fair!" shouted Barney the dinosaur. The other wrestlers expressed their sentiment.  
"You wanna try saying that again?" shouted Marcy, flailing her arms around.  
"You wanna piece of me?" roared Randy Savage, turning a table over. He punched Marcy, but she scurried back and kicked him in the shins.  
"Hey! What are you doing?" shouted the referee.  
"Can it!" shouted Karsh. He bopped the referee on the head and started pummeling Macho Man.  
"FREE-FOR-ALL!!!!" rumbled Zoah, leaping into the fray. Soon every wrestler was slugging it out on the floor, causing a massive chaotic, confusing jumble.  
"Hey, they're fightin' without us!" pointed Fargo.  
"Then what are we waiting for, dude?" said Doc. "Let's join in!" Soon all the other Chrono Cross members were pouring down the aisles and joining the fight, and the chaos only grew more. One of the spectators decided he may as well join, and soon the entire arena was entangled in the biggest and greatest fight scene ever!  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"Obi-Wan! Use the Force!" Obi-Wan Kenobi leaped through the air, slicing through armies of evil clones. Suddenly, he slipped on a rock and fell on the floor.  
"Cut!" cried George Lucas, and the fight scene was ruined. George growled and shook his head, marched over to Ewan, and shouted, "WRONG!" He pushed Ewan aside, giving him a look of fiery impatience.

"Watch me, you pansy!" George picked up a lightsaber and started swinging it like an amateur batter, killing off CG clones like flies. Suddenly he slipped too, but regained his posture before anyone knew what had happened. "Understand?" he said, and Ewan nodded fearfully. "Okay, then. ACTION!"  
"Obi-Wan! Use the Force!" Obi-Wan Kenobi leaped through the air, slicing through armies of evil clones. Suddenly, the set walls of the movie were torn down as hundreds of fighting spectators and video game personas poured into the room, shouting and clobbering at each other.  
"CUUUUUUTT!!" roared George Lucas, and the fighting briefly paused. He walked over to Korcha and demanded to know what was going on.  
"Screw you, George!" shouted Korcha. "I'm working for Squaresoft!" And with that, he punched George Lucas in the stomach, and the fight resumed.  
"Hey!" shouted Jar Jar Binks. "Wesa no hafta put up witha dis! C'mon, boyos!" Without further instruction, Jar Jar led the entire cast of Episode 2 into the fracas, and the fight only got worse from there. Clones, spectators, video game personas, CG characters, actors, and wrestlers were all in the brawl, but soon the fight became too large-scale for one movie set to hold, and soon the studio and the Fox lot was overrun by fighters and characters. Eventually, every Hollywood star imaginable got caught up in the fight, until it was so large that it overran the entire lot.  
"Hey, what's that?" asked Ringo.  
"Oh, that? That's me grandfather," pointed Paul.  
"No, not that-that, that-that," said Ringo.  
"I believe it's a rumble," suggested John. Janice leaped up and waved at them.  
"Hey you guys!" she squealed. "You wanna join in the rumble?"  
"Sure, why not?" said George, and soon the Beatles, Mr. Owl, Santa Claus, Chunny Kong, The Driver, George, Herbert, Walker, Bush, Junior, David Copperfield, Siegfried & Roy, Sergeant Peppor, King of Chinatown, every character in Disneyworld, mission control, Mark Beiro, the Battlebots spectators and drivers, the referee and hotel manager of Vegas, the Alamo tour group, Elvis, Bigfoot, Robin Williams, the Area 51 guards, all 108 characters from Suikoden, Ted, The Magical Mysterious Dr. Feelgood of the Eternal Prussian Police Force and His Lovely Assistant Barbara the Magnificent Juggler of Flaming Hot Torches, Beavis & Butt-head, the Fan-Dumbs, Rodney Dangerfield, Wayne Newton, Harry Potter, Michael Jackson, Tom Hanks, Snake, Killjoy, Rhino, Back-breaker, Goshzilla, Captain Plot Device, Gertrude the Magical Singing Cow, C-3PO, and every character ever mentioned in this fanfiction was in on the fight.  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"Lord Lynx, the Death Star is ready," said Unimportant Imperial Character.  
"Thank you, foolish mortal," growled Lynx. "Fire at will." The Death Star powered up and released a powerful blast of pure energy, shooting it straight at Will from Illusion of Gaia. He blew up instantly. "Not him, you dolts!" growled Lynx. "Kill somebody in the fight!"  
"We're sorry," sobbed the Imperials. They powered up the Death Star and fired another blast into the fracas in Nebraska, and blew Jar Jar Binks to smithereens. And there was much rejoicing.  
"Excellent shot, Unimportant Imperial Character," grinned Lynx. "Fire three!"  
  


__

Meanwhile-meanwhile...  
  


As the fight progressed, another stray blast from the Death Star struck an unfortunate person. Instantly, Ted was vaporized into atoms, and Kenny was blown to pieces for no reason.  
"Oh my gosh, they killed Ted!" screamed Stan. He shrugged.  
"You maniacs!!!" screamed Charlton Heston. "You blew him up! Curse you! Curse you all to Hell!" He fell on the ground and pounded at the pavement, and the fight resumed.  
"Oh, no!" shouted one of the Fan-Dumbs. "C-c-c-censorship!" Just then, Hayden Christensen got aboard his X-Wing and flew over to the Death Star. He maneuvered through the trench until he found the thermal exhaust port, fired a proton torpedo, and flew away just as the Death Star blew up in a trillion space particles.  
"Great shot, kid!" shouted Harrison Ford. "That was one in a million!"  
  


Several hours later...  
  


"I wanna drive the SUV," whined Leena. "I wanna, I wanna, I wanna!"  
"But I found the SUV," insisted Skelly.  
"You keep singing! You can't drive!" shouted Karsh.  
"But it is my road trip," whimpered Norris.  
"Aww, cut yer jive-talk!!!" bellowed Macha, staring at the four of them. Norris meekly hid himself and let Macha drive.  
"But where we go?" asked Leah.  
"We're close ta Yellowstone National Park," noted Kid, examining her atlas.  
"What's Yellowstone National Park?" asked Van.  
"Some park."  
"THEN LET'S GO!!" bellowed Zoah. So after much arguing and a little foosball, the Chrono Cross gang decided to travel to Yellowstone National Park, and Macha drove.


	9. All Sorts of Weird Stuff--With Mr. Bill!

"Are we there yet?" asked Mel.  
"We're heading somewhere," said Van. "Where are we going?"  
"To the bathroom, I hope," mumbled Karsh.  
"Hey guys!" pointed Leena. "Look! We're coming across a big park!" Sure enough, the Chrono Cross gang was coming across a park--Yellowstone National Park, to be exact.  
"We made it!" said Orcha. Macha glared at him.  
"Hey, are you sayin' that I ain't a great driver?" Orcha shook his head and Macha entered the park. Ranger Smith stopped them and gave them a passport (he didn't see Starky), and soon the gang would be going on another wacky adventure!  
  


****

PART NINE: ALL SORTS OF WEIRD STUFF -- WITH MR. BILL!  
  
**Adventures in Yellowstone, contention one: Picnic Basket Thieves**  
  


Mel snuck up to a table and stole a picnic basket. Then she stole another. Then she stole another. Mel stole a picnic basket.  
"Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha.  
As she ran away, Mel accidentally bumped into Yogi bear, who had also been stealing picnic baskets.  
"Hay-hay-hay, what have we here today?" asked Yogi. "Another pic-i-nic basket thief?"  
"A bear!" squealed Mel. She gave Yogi a big hug and kissed Boo-Boo on the nose. "I'm stealing picnic baskets!"  
"Me too!" exclaimed Yogi.  
"Gosh, Yogi," said Boo-Boo, "the ranger's not gonna like this!"  
"Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith.  
  
Yogi and Boo-Boo ran away as fast as they could. Ranger Smith caught Mel and made her return all the picnic baskets. Elsewhere, Orcha caught Yogi and Boo-Boo and ate all their picnic baskets, then he ate Yogi and Boo-Boo.  
  


****

Adventures in Yellowstone, contention two: I've got some Meddling to do!  
  


But another evil lurked in the peaceful park of Yellowstone, an evil so evil that he was evil! This evilly evil person was stealing all the picnic baskets, and it was neither Mel nor Yogi Bear! What were the good people of Yellowstone going to do?  
"What are we going to do?" whined a random Yellowstone person. "There are no more picnic baskets! We'll starve!"  
"Hey, we'll solve the mystery!" exclaimed Nikki. He gathered Doc, Miki, Luccia, and Poshul with him.  
"Thank you, kids!" smiled the random Yellowstone person.  
"Like, no sweat!" said Doc.  
  
  
  
Nikki drove the small van across Yellowstone, looking for clues left and right. Suddenly, it grew very dark. Doc and Poshul were grabbing onto each other fearfully.  
"Like, I hope we don't have a flat tire," shivered Doc.  
"Or we run out of gath," lisped Poshul. Suddenly, the van got a flat tire and ran out of gas at the same time. Doc and Poshul gulped.  
"Like, we had to open our big mouths!" whined Doc.  
"Hey, relax gang!" said Nikki casually. "There's a creepy-looking house just over that ridge! Maybe they'll have a telephone!"  
"It looks haunted, Nikki!" said Miki.  
"Oh, don't be silly," sniffed Luccia. "Dere are no such t'ings as ghosts." Doc gulped.  
"Like, I hope you're right!" The five of them finally made their way into the creepy house, but nobody was around.  
"Hey, gang!" said Nikki. "Let's split up and look for clues! Miki, you come with me. Luccia, you go with Posh and Doc." And with that, Miki followed Nikki and Luccia was stuck with Doc and Poshul.  
"Vell, I guess ve had better look around," said Luccia. "Doc, you and Poshul try and look around de kitchen, and I'll search de lab." Doc grinned.  
"Like, oh boy!" he said, salivating heavily. "Did you hear that, Posh? She's sending us to the kitchen!"  
"Reah! Reah! The kitchen!" Doc and Poshul walked hungrily towards the kitchen, unaware that they were being watched...  
  


"Hey, like, dig this, Posh!" said Doc, holding up an unusually large hamburger. Poshul smacked her lips as Doc took a big bite out of the sandwich. She scampered over to the refrigerator for some meat, but when she opened the door, a strangely-dressed bear was on the other side!  
"Rikes!!" shouted Poshul, closing the door hastily. She forced it shut, shivering as Doc came over to investigate.  
"Like, what's behind the door, Posh?" he asked. She shook her head.  
"Roo don't wanna know," she replied shakily. He shrugged.  
"It's probably some bad cheese. Here, let me take a look." Doc pushed Poshul out of the way and opened the door. "Like, it's just Evil Smoky the bear, Posh," he said. He paused, jumped, and looked back at the bear. "Zoinks! Evil Smoky the bear? Like, run for it!!" Doc immediately scrambled off, holding his arms out in front of him as he ran. Poshul followed his lead, and Evil Smoky chased the two around the house and into the laundry chute.  
  


Meanwhile, Luccia had been playing with the laboratory chemicals, when all of a sudden, Doc and Poshul fell into her arms!  
"Jinkies!" she exclaimed. "Vhere did you two come from?"  
"Like, no time to explain!" shouted Doc, scrambling out of her arms. "It's Evil Smoky the bear!" The two of them ran out of the laboratory, leaving Luccia confused. Suddenly, Evil Smoky the bear landed in her arms.  
"Jinkies!" she exclaimed. "Dey vere telling de truth!" She suddenly dropped the bear and scrambled off after Doc and Poshul, and somebody began playing "Can't Buy Me Love" as the great chase scene commenced.  
  


Evil Smoky began roaring, chasing the trio out of the lab and into a hallway with six doors. As he arrived, he saw Luccia going into one and Doc out the other. He ran into a door, and Poshul came out of one and went into another. Luccia was soon being chased by Smoky, with Doc and Poshul running away. Smoky then began chasing Doc while Poshul and Luccia ran away. Poshul began chasing Smoky while Doc was chasing Luccia, and then Luccia began chasing Poshul while Smoky was chasing Doc. Doc chased Poshul who was chasing Luccia, then Smoky began chasing Luccia while Doc was being chased by Poshul, then Poshul was being chased by Smoky and Luccia while Doc was chasing himself, then Smoky was chasing everybody, then everybody was chasing Smoky, then Starky was chasing Doc while Leena was chasing Luccia and Smoky was chasing Poshul, then Yogi was chasing Space Ghost while Leena was chasing Starky while Doc and Luccia were chasing Smoky, then Smoky was chasing Smoky while Doc, Luccia, and Bob Barker were chasing Doc, Smoky, Poshul, and Luccia, then everybody was chasing everybody, until suddenly they bumped into each other and chased each other out of the hallway.  
  


"What's all that racket up there?" demanded Miki. Smoky had been chasing the group down the hallway, until they came to a long staircase. Doc suddenly slipped on a rug and flew down the stairs.  
"Like, look out below!!" he shouted as he flew. Miki suddenly leaped up in Nikki's arms (hehehe), and Smoky came bounding after Doc. But before he could go down the stairs, Luccia and Poshul pushed him over, and he fell down the stairs until he landed on the floor in an unconscious heap.  
"Great work, gang!" exclaimed Nikki once everyone was around. "Now we'll see who this bad guy really is!" Nikki pulled off Smoky's mask, revealing...  
"Zoinks! Lloyd the barber?" gasped Doc.  
"Nah, couldn't be!" said Miki. She pulled off the Lloyd mask.  
"Jinkies! Carlos the carnival magician?" gasped Luccia.  
"Like, it wasn't Carlos!" said Doc, pulling off the Carlos mask.  
"Hey! Elvis Presley?" gasped Nikki. Luccia pulled off the Elvis mask.  
"Sean Connery?" gasped Poshul. She pulled off the Sean Connery mask.  
"Shigeru Miyamoto?"  
"Who's that?" asked Nikki. The criminal growled.  
"Okay, okay! Enough cameo appearances!" S/he pulled off the final mask, revealing the true criminal...  
"Jinkies!" exclaimed Doc.  
"Zoinks!" exclaimed Luccia. They paused. "Jinkies!" she exclaimed.  
"Zoinks!" he exclaimed. "It's..."  
"Ranger Smith!!!"  
  


__

Bum bum bummm! Lightning suddenly flashed.  
  


"But... why'd you steal all those picnic baskets?" asked Miki. Smith growled.  
"I was getting sick of Yogi getting away with everything!" he roared. "So I put on this disguise in hopes of framing him! And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" Doc grunted.  
"Like, I guess this mystery is closed, gang! Hey, where are all the picnic baskets, Ranger Smith?" Ranger Smith pointed off to a closet.  
"In there," he admitted. Luccia and Miki went to investigate, but only found several empty baskets and a very fat Poshul.  
"Poshul!" they exclaimed. She grinned.  
"Poshy-Poshy-Poo!" Everyone laughed.  
  
  
  
"That was bizarre," said Glenn. Luccia nodded.  
"Vat iz 'zoinks', anyvay?" she asked. Doc shrugged.  
"I dunno. What's jinkies?"  
"I don't know."  
"All right then, so we're even!"  
"Da. Vhere are ve going next, Kid?" Kid frowned and thought about it.  
"We're in Wyoming," she said, pointing to her atlas, "so our next destination is Mount Rushmore."  
"So that's where I'm headed!" exclaimed Macha, steering the bus in the direction of South Dakota.  
  


****

Adventures on Mt. Rushmore, chapter 1: Washington  
  


"We made it!" said Korcha. Everyone got out of the bus.  
"Photo op!" shouted NeoFio, and everyone groaned. "Come on!"  
"All right, but this is the last time!" stated Radius.  
"Phine." NeoFio took a picture of Mt. Rushmore. "Was that so bad?"  
"I'm blind!" shouted everyone. "I'm blind!"  
  


The End.  
  


****

Adventures on Mt. Rushmore, chapter 2: Jefferson  
  


"Hey look!" shouted somebody. Nikki gulped.  
"Sq-Sq-Sq-Squaresoft!!" shouted another. Kid groaned.  
"Not again," said Miki. Somebody cued up "Help!", and the Fan-Dumbs began chasing our heroes again. As the massive number of heroes and the massive number of fans poured down the valley, they disturbed many people and plants. Everyone split up once they were at the base of the mountain, hundreds of fans and characters sprawling everywhere like a convention of ants. A few of the more nimble characters began climbing Mt. Rushmore, and soon everyone else got the same idea. Soon, everyone was at the top, but the fans were equally determined.  
"We're surrounded!" shouted Kid, bringing out her dagger. Hundreds of eager fans began crawling up the mountain, surrounding our heroes. When they ran across the heads, there were fans climbing up Washington's nose; on the other side, fans were scaling Lincoln's eyes. Soon, there was nowhere left to go...  
"There's nowhere left to go!" shouted Orcha. He suddenly got an idea and bonked one of the fans with his skillet. The fan said "Ouch" and fell off the mountain, screaming bloody murder the entire time.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed General Viper. He stuck his sword through a fan.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Kid. She slit a fan's throat.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Norris. He shot a fan.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Guile. He blasted one with magic.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Karsh. He threw his axe at one.  
"YOU KILLED A FAN!" exclaimed Zoah. He pushed one off the mountain.  
"Like, you killed a fan!" exclaimed Marcy. She kicked one in the gentles.  
"You killedCHA fan!" exclaimed Korcha. He impaled one with his lure.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Leena. She bonked one with her frying pan.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Janice. She twisted a fan's neck.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Nikki. He played his guitar at an unbearable volume.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Miki. She strangled one with her veil.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Riddel. She nuked one.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Luccia. She threw an acid-filled beaker at one.  
"You killed a fan!" lisped Poshul. She pushed one off the mountain.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Razzly. She impaled one with her wand.  
"Ye killed a fan!" exclaimed Zappa. He bonked one with his hammer.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Radius. He bonked one with his stick.  
"Arr! Ye killed a fan!" exclaimed Fargo. He keelhauled one.  
"You killedCHA fan!" exclaimed Macha. She bonked one on the head with her pan.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Glenn. He decapitated one.  
"Vous killed a fan!" squealed Harle. She threw razor-tipped cards at one.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Draggy. He burned one.  
"Yoou kiilled a faan!" exclaimed Starky. He blasted one.  
"Y'killed a fan!" exclaimed Sprigg. She bonked one with her staff.  
"Yoou killed-om a fan!" exclaimed Mojo. He impaled one with his nail.  
"Thou hast murdered a fan!" exclaimed Turnip. He bit one.  
"You killed a phan!" exclaimed NeoFio. She strangled one with her vines.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Greco. He pushed one off the mountain.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Skelly. He threw his head at one.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Funguy. He fed one a poisoned mushroom.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Irenes. She drowned one.  
"You killedCHA fan!" squealed Mel. She screamed until one jumped off the mountain.  
"You kill fan!" exclaimed Leah. She hugged one to death.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Van. He threw his piggy bank at one.  
"You killed a ffan!" exclaimed Sneff. He threw exploding dice at one.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Steena. She rammed her sword through one.  
"Dude, you killed a fan!" exclaimed Doc. He smashed his surfboard on one.  
"You-killed-a-fan," said Grobyc. He blew one up with a missile.  
"Sacre bleu, you killed a fan!" exclaimed Pierre. One jumped off a mountain rather than get killed by Pierre. Pierre grew very sad and wished that Mr. Owl was around.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Orlha. She punched one.  
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Pip. He beat one with his tail.  
"!" exclaimed Serge. He killed one with his swallow.  
"I think we got them all," said Norris.  
  
  
  
**Adventures on Mt. Rushmore, chapter three: Lincoln**  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Adventures on Mt. Rushmore, chapter four: Roosevelt  
  


General Viper was asleep on the bus.  
"_Viiiiperrrr_..." whispered a spooky voice. Viper woke up.  
"Who are you?" he asked.  
"_Doooon't yoooou reeeecogniiiize meeee_?" asked the ghost. "_I'm your oooold partner, Jaaaaacob Marrrrrlooooowe!_"  
"Never heard of him," replied Viper. The ghost grimaced.  
"_Aw, come oooon! You doooon't rememmmmmber meeeee?_"  
"...Should I?" asked Viper. The ghost grunted.  
"_Viiiiperrrrr... toniiiiight, yooooou will be visiteeeed by THREE SPIRITS_!"  
"You're holding up two fingers." The ghost winced.  
"_But thaaaaat's aaall I haaaave._"Viper sighed.  
"What about the other hand?" he asked. The ghost held up two fingers.  
"_Thaaaaat's iiiiit for thiiiiis hannnnnnd as weeeeell_."  
"Then just hold up one finger on one hand and keep the other two up." The ghost held up two fingers on one hand and one finger on the other. "There you go!"  
"_Viiiiperrrrr... toniiiiight, yooooou will be visiteeeed by THREE SPIRITS!_" continued the ghost.  
"Umm... Why?" The ghost paused.  
"_Uhh... I... dooon't knooooow! Fareweeeeell, Viperrrr! Farewellllllllll...!_" And with that, the ghost suddenly disappeared. Viper shrugged and went back to sleep. Suddenly, as the clock struck one, Razzly appeared!  
"Tee-hee-hee!" giggled Razzly. "Wakey-wakey, Viper!" Viper grumbled as he got up.  
"Razzly? What on Earth...?"  
"No, I'm not Razzly," said Razzly. "I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past!" Viper paused.  
"That's nice," he said as he fell asleep. Razzly growled and pulled on the general's nose. Finally, after a minute of fighting, Razzly simply tapped her wand on Viper's head.  
"Huh? Where are we?" asked Viper.  
"Don't you remember?" asked Razzly. "This is the school where you grew up!" Viper crossed his arms. Sure enough, the old School for Future Generals was standing right there before him, and all of Viper's friends were streaming around.  
"So it is," he said. "But why are you showing me this?"  
"I dunno," shrugged Razzly. "Nostalgia?" The scene grew dark again, and before Viper knew it, he was in his old work place, Fuzzy Wigs, Inc.  
"Fuzzy Wigs!" exclaimed Viper. "But I thought this place had been condemned and destroyed because of the rampant rat and termite population!"  
"This is before all that," giggled Razzly. Just then, a rat scampered past her feet.  
"It always had rats and termites," said Viper flatly. Suddenly, Viper's younger-version of his wife appeared and ask Viper's younger-version of himself to dance. "Hey, that's my wife!"  
"And so she is!" exclaimed Razzly. "But let's fast forward, when the building was destroyed to make room for a gambling casino..." Suddenly the room vanished, and Viper could see slightly older versions of himself and his wife as they sat on a bench.  
"...what I'm trying to say is..." mumbled young Viper.  
"Oh! This is when I proposed!" shouted old Viper. He leaned close to listen.  
"What I'm trying to say is... Will you marry me?"  
  


SLAP!!!!  
  


"I asked her five times before she said yes," said Viper, touching his cheek gingerly. "But why show me this? We got married, raised a daughter, and lived a happy life! I have no regrets!"  
"Eeh," shrugged Razzly. Suddenly, she vanished, and Viper found himself back in the bus.  
"Huh!?" he stated, sitting up. He sighed with relief. "Just a dream," he said, and went back to bed. Suddenly, Zappa fell out of the sky and landed on him!! "OOFF!!!" Viper coughed out something as Zappa squished him, and bad bagpipe music began playing.  
"Ach, ah'm sorry, Gen'ral!" shouted Zappa, helping Viper up. "I should'no have landed on ye! Are ye all right?" Viper bent over weakly, trying to regain his wind.  
"What... possessed... you... to land... on me?!" he wheezed. Zappa winced.  
"Ah said ah'm sorry, but ah came here ta show ye yir Present!" Before Viper could protest, Zappa had grabbed his hand and magically teleported him to Orcha's house. Orcha, his brother Belcha, and his sister-in-law were all in the kitchen. Orlha, Macha, Korcha, Mel, Doc, Steena, Kid, and Norris were all sitting around the table. Suddenly, Orcha walked out of the kitchen.  
"Haunt me no more, spirit!" cried Viper, shouting maniacally. "I've learned my lesson! I'll keep Christmas all year around! Please! Why show me these things if they--"  
"Ah, go shut yir windpipe," coughed Zappa. "E's only comin' outta the kitchen."  
"But that's what's so frightening," said Viper. "Every time I go into that kitchen, he tells me to leave! Now I know what he was doing!!"  
"Ach, shut yir hole an' watch th' festivities, ya big baby," grunted Zappa. Orcha brought out several steaming plates of food, and he was followed by his brother and his sister-in-law, who were also carrying food. Everyone went oooh and aaah as they drooled over the food. Norris cleared his throat and raised his glass.  
"A toast," said he, "to General Viper! The founder of the feast!"  
"Founder o'the feast indeed!" grunted Orcha. "I cooked the whole thin' myself!"  
"Me too, bro," chuckled Belcha. "But we'd better remember who keeps _payin_' you, y'know?" Orcha grumbled.  
"All right. I'll toast. A toast, to General Viper..."  
"A toast!" cried everyone else, lifting their glasses.  
"God bless us, every one!" squeaked Kid mischievously. Viper grew worried.  
"Spirit," said he, "what is wrong with that child?" Zappa's face grew forlorn as he replied.  
"Ah see an empty chair where she once sat," he replied. "A dagger lies in her place, neatly preserved. Ev'ryone else's tied up as she steals the loot. Ah'm afraid that, if thin's donna change, then this future'll become a reality." Viper snorted.  
"Spirit, the scenario you present will happen no matter what we do." Zappa winced.  
"Ach, donna rub it in!" Zappa and everyone else suddenly vanished, and Viper found himself back in the bus. He stood and looked around very carefully, making sure that nobody could pull on his nose or land on him. Finally, he came to the bathroom door, and as he opened it...  
"HEY, there're _people_ in here!" exclaimed Skelly. Viper cringed and hastily shut the door. Several minutes passed, and Skelly bounced out of the bathroom. "All rightee, Viper! I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future, and I'm gonna show you what will happen in your future!"  
"Great!" exclaimed Viper. "I've tried asking Steena and Greco, but they never give me a straight answer!"  
"Grrr!" growled Skelly. "I didn't mean that! I mean... ACK! Just... shut up and come with me!" Viper shrugged and took Skelly's bony hand. They arrived at a misty graveyard, where one group of mourners were sadly leaving a crutch behind...  
"Aah, you don't wanna know about them," said Skelly curtly, pulling on Viper's collar. The general let out a grunt as the bony one pulled him to another grave and pointed. As Viper squinted, a flash of lightning illuminated the cemetery. It was his grave!!!  
"That's not very surprising," noted Viper. "It says here that I'll live to be 87. Don't you think that I'd die somewhere around that time?" He looked at Skelly expectantly, but the clown could only pause and mumble.  
"Errrmmm, yesss, but... I-isn't is spooky? _Whooooooo_!!!" Despite his poor attempt at spookiness, Skelly only made Viper more impatient.  
"What was the point of all this?" demanded Viper. Skelly winced.  
"Aw, jeez... I dunno! Things just went downhill! Hey, you wanna go back to bed?"  
"What do you think?" asked Viper darkly. Skelly grimaced and sent Viper back to his bed, where he slept very peacefully for ten whole seconds.


	10. The Chicago Six

****

PART TEN: THE CHICAGO SIX  
  


Starky jumped in his seat.  
"No jumping in the seat," said Viper. Viper walked into the kitchen.  
"Stay out of the kitchen," said Orcha. Suddenly, the SUV blew up.  
  
  
  
"Is everyone okay?" asked Norris.  
"Yes," they said. "No," said Mr. Owl. Draggy spewed fire on his head and burned him.  
"How many times can he die?" asked Radius. Fargo suddenly rammed his scimitar through Ted's innards.  
"Oh my gosh, you killed Ted!" screamed Macha.  
"How many times can he die?" asked Radius. Mojo stepped backwards and punctured his nail on something.  
"You murdered a dwarf!" screamed Steena.  
"How many times can he kill a dwarf?" asked Radius. Harle threw her pack of cards and sliced up Kenny.  
"Oh my gosh, they killed Kenny!" screamed Stan.  
"How many times can he die?" asked Radius. Sephiroth suddenly impaled Aeris.  
"Oh no, they killed Aeris!" shouted Cloud.  
"Not again," grumbled Barret.  
"Where are we?" asked Norris.  
"Look!" pointed Leah. "Many buildings! Many big buildings!"  
"My friends," smiled Viper, "we're in Chicago."  
  


****

Adventures in Chicago, Part One: The Chicago Six Comes to Order  
  


"Okay everyone, let's stick together," said Norris, and before the words were out of his mouth, everyone had left him to explore Chicago on their own. Norris sighed and decided it would be best to find another mode of transportation.  
  


(soap opera music cues up. Serge and Zoah are together in a room)  
  


Zoah: SERGE... I-I THINK I AM PREGNANT. (an awkward pause thickens as Serge gazes back at Zoah in astonishment and confusion)  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"Listen up!" shouted Sprigg. "We's tired a' always beein' seen az the mozt uzeless people round' these 'ere parts! We gotta do somethin' bout' it!"  
"But what?" asked Poshul. "We're not thtrong or thkilled like everyone elthe!"  
"I didn't ask you, Daffy Duck!" stated Sprigg.  
"But what're we going to do, Sprigg?" asked NeoFio. Sprigg grinned evilly.  
"We's gonna revolt, that's what we's gonna do! Oo's with me?" Razzly and Leah raised their hands, Poshul raised her paw, NeoFio raised her vine, and Draggy raised his claw.  
"We are!" they chanted. Sprigg took a moment to count the raised hands/claws/paws/vines.  
"Six'a us, countin' me," she mumbled. "All rightee, gang, let's go paint the town red! From this moment on, we're gonna be called 'The Chicago Seven'!"  
"Six," said Razzly.  
"Right-o, what'd I say? Six it is, then!" And that's how all this mayhem began.  
  
  


****

Adventures in Chicago, Part Two: Magical Mystery Science Theater  
  


Zoah, Doc, Miki, and Janice were happily skipping around the streets of Chicago, completely unaware of the evil that lurked in the shadows (creepy!). Actually, Zoah was trailing the others in hopes of not being recognized, and Doc had a look of irritation on his face as the two girls skipped. Well, even then, Miki looked tired and too embarrassed to skip, so only Janice was skipping across Chicago's streets.  
"Stick'em up!" shouted a random burglar. Doc whacked him with his surfboard.  
"Reach!" shouted another random burglar. Zoah barely tapped him on his head.  
"Your money or your life!" shouted yet another random burglar. Miki kicked his gentles.  
"Gin," said Herbert. Janice knocked him out with her carrot. Suddenly, the four characters were beamed up in a really fake-looking flying saucer, and were never seen again. For four hours.  
"Aieee, where are we?" screamed Janice. A weird-looking alien scuttled over to them.  
"Silence, Earthlings," s/he said. "I have kidnapped you all so that you may watch very bad movies and make fun of them!"  
"LIKE MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER?" boomed Zoah.  
"Ssh, do you want me to get sued?!" hissed the alien. Zoah shrugged. "Now sit!" Seeing that they had no choice (well, they did, but who in their right mind passes up a free movie?), the four "friends" made their way to the third row, ready to make fun of movies.  
"This bites," groaned Doc.  
"Ha-ha-ha, silence Earthling!" chortled the alien. "Now watch!" The theater grew dark and one of the millions of B-rated movies in the alien's "library" was flashed onto the screen.  
"Hu-hu, they said 'flash'," chuckled Beavis.  
"Fire, fire! Burn! Fire, fire!" cackled Butt-head. The movie was Clash of the Titans, quite possibly the greatest B-rated movie ever.  
"Oh, that is so fake!" exclaimed Miki. Doc groaned.  
"Those are the opening credits, babe," he said. Miki smiled sheepishly.  
"OH, THAT IS SO FAKE!" exclaimed Zoah. Doc groaned.  
"That's the musical score, dude," he said. Zoah grunted.  
"Oh, that is so fake!" stated Janice. Doc groaned.  
"That's just an actor in a really big Kraken suit that has an awful screeching sound to it that's supposed to sound like a roar and make us feel frightened of a great big piece of crap!" Everyone froze and stared at Doc in horror. He ducked into his chair, too embarrassed to make fun of the rest of the movie.  
  


****

Adventures in Chicago, Part Three: The Chicago Six On the Town  
  


After they disbanded from the rest of the group, the six mismatched and overlooked video game personas decided to have a night out on the town. They went everywhere in search of a good time:  
  


In the Hard Rock cafe, Razzly and Draggy posed next to the Beatles, who were passing by Chicago on their Magical Mystery Tour.  


At the Chicago Bulls game, NeoFio was called in to support an injured player and scored a basket before the game's end. The score was 120-2, in favor of the Suns.  
  
At Planet Hollywood, Poshul blew the whole thing up.  
  
At the Sears Tower, Leah rode Draggy around, giving many parents heart attacks and many more parents an excuse to drink more.  
  
In Chinatown, King of Chinatown arrested the gang, but they broke out 3 seconds later.  
  
At the White Sox game, Sprigg caught a home run and Draggy ate the ball.  
  
At the museums, Leah freaked out at the prehistoric exhibit, NeoFio and Razzly freaked out at the nature exhibits, and Sprigg just plain freaked out.  
  
At Medieval Times, Riddel was chosen to be the Queen of Beauty, even though she wasn't part of the gang. Glenn and Karsh went anal and beat up all the knights in the play, and got arrested. Again.  
  


Speakeasies, bell-bottoms, jazz groups, and nightclubs filled the days of the Chicago Six, until a run-in with Al Capone forced them to take it easy and stop blowing stuff up.  
  


****

Adventures in Chicago, Part Four: _Just_ the Fax, Ma'am?  
  


Mojo quietly walked into the police building, unsure as to why they wanted to speak with him. Carefully, he rode the elevator up to the top floor, and danced his way into THE office.  
"Come in, Mojo," addressed a hard-nosed cop. Mojo came in but didn't sit down. "My name is Friday, Joe Friday, and this is my partner, who is Not Friday." Mojo shook their hands, even though he didn't have hands to shake, and bowed his head several times.  
"What doo yoou want-om me to doo?" he asked. Friday looked at his partner.  
"Have you ever heard of 'The Chicago Six' before, Mojo?" asked Friday.  
"Yes-om," he replied, nodding his head. "I knoow-om them." Friday raised his eyebrow.  
"Then this will be all the easier for you." Mojo tilted his head in confusion. Not Friday spoke.  
"Mojo, we here at the Chicago Police Force have hired you to track down and capture The Chicago Six. We want them alive, and we want them within twenty- four hours. Do you understand?" Mojo nodded his head.  
"Yes-om, I understand-om. I will get-om The Chicagoo Six-om foor yoou."  
"Thank you, Mojo," said Not Friday. "We're expecting a report within three hours."  
"Boogum!"  
As Mojo skipped through the streets of Chicago, he suddenly ran into Sprigg getting wasted in a speakeasy. He sobered her up and arrested her. After that, he waded his way through the remains of Planet Hollywood and found Leah riding on the Jurassic Park dinosaur models. She too was arrested. Mojo found Razzly and NeoFio water-skiing on Lake Michigan with Irenes, and they too were arrested (you can imagine the trouble of finding handcuffs for them). Draggy was found working in a pizza parlor, where he was trying to pay off a mountain of debt. He was booked. Finally, Mojo found Poshul somewhere in the Sears Tower, and was cuffed up as well. The six of them were sent to prison, along with every other member of the Chrono Cross gang because they were harboring an illegal alien.  
  
  
  
The story you have just heard is true. The names of people and places have been changed to protect the innocent.  
  


(Theme from "Dragnet" cues up as Joe Friday narrates)  
  


Sir Bucket Head finally pried the bucket off of his head and got his real name back. He's serving a two-year sentence for harboring an illegal alien and stowing away on Space Shuttle Surely.  
  
Kid was arrested and tried for thievery, assault, disturbing the peace, resisting an officer, and other miscellaneous crimes. She is serving an eight-year prison term.  
  
Irenes was placed in jail for assaulting King of Chinatown, but was later pardoned.  
  
Riddel was found innocent in starting a brawl in Medieval Times.  
  
Starky was given a life sentence for not having his visa present during the arrest.  
  
Doc, Miki, and Zoah were nowhere to be found.  
  
Greco, Karsh, Orlha, and Marcy were given five-year sentences for starting a large-scale fight in the middle of an arena.  
  
Macha was fined 200 Gil for speeding.  
  
Janice, although nowhere to be found, was given a ten-year term for consorting with a minor and assaulting Junior, and for her miscellaneous crimes in Minnesota. She was also fingered to have connections with the Mafia, and was given a second ten-year sentence.  
  
Guile was charged with assaulting Siegfried and Roy in Vegas, and was sentenced to a year.  
  
Norris was charged with murdering Mr. Owl multiple times, and was slapped around for a few minutes.  
  
Korcha was given $1,000,000 for beating up Regis Philbin.  
  
Luccia was charged with "experimenting" on people without their consent and was sentenced to four years.  
  
Fargo was slapped with a life sentence for stowing away onboard Space Shuttle Surely, and for robbery, thievery, and other "pirate-like activities".  
  
Leena was sentenced to life for killing Ted.  
  
Harle was given eight years for fighting with David Copperfield and consorting with a minor.  
  
Turnip was re-arrested for taking over Chinatown and was given two years.  
  
Skelly was awarded the Nobel Prize for Everything when he killed Harry Potter.  
  
Funguy was sent to the slammer for selling "shrooms" to minors, but was later found innocent because they were actual mushrooms, and the judge made funny sounds when he gave the order.  
  
Sneff was placed in the pen for cheating at cards and other forms of gambling.  
  
The members of The Chicago Six were each given a life sentence and community service.  
  
Mojo was awarded with an Oscar but was thrown in the slammer for murdering a dwarf.  
  
Grobyc was arrested for multiple accounts of murder, but broke everyone else out.  
  


****

Adventures in Chicago, Part Five: "Mike Lazzo Meets our Heroes", or, "And to Think That I Saw it on Williams Street"  
  


(Theme song to "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" cues up)  
  
Space Ghost: (appearing out of nowhere) Greetings, foolish mortals, and welcome to the best talk show ever! Tonight's special guests are--  
  
Moltar: Dead!! (an awkward pause)  
  
SG: I... hope you're not joking, Moltar.  
  
Moltar: Hehehehehe... wouldn't you like to know? (another pause)  
  
SG: All rightee then! Please slap your palms together vigorously and make a cheering sound with your vocal chords, because we've got our first guest on! (he looks at Moltar) And she's not dead. (a pause. Moltar says nothing.) Please welcome that adorable little jester from the popular video game Chrono Cross, Harle! (fanfare plays as the monitor scrawls down and Harle is on the screen)  
  
Harle: Bonjour, monsieur Space Ghost!  
  
SG: Danke shein to you too! Please identify yourself to the universe.  
  
Harle: Je'mappelle Harle. I just wanted to say zat--  
  
SG: All rightee, enough of you! (he blasts Harle) Moltar, that guest was hot.  
  
Moltar: (reading a book) Uh-huh.  
  
SG: I'm completely serious. I had the hots for her.  
  
Zorak: Then why did you blast her? (a very long pause)  
  
SG: Uh, s-say, did I ever tell you two about the time I skipped jury duty?  
  
Both: Only a million times.  
  
SG: Well, you'll hear it again, and you'll like it! (he clears his throat) ...There I was, in my room. I got a letter from Uncle Sam, and--  
  
Moltar: Uh, Space Ghost? (the monitor lowers with Pierre on the screen)  
  
SG: Moltar?? (he looks at Moltar menacingly) What did I tell you about interrupting my anecdotes?  
  
Moltar: But you didn't say anything--  
  
SG: Ashush! Ssh! No! Don't say a word!  
  
Pierre: Bonjour! Hallo? Monsieur Space Ghost? (he notices Pierre)  
  
SG: (to himself) Oh great, another French person... (publicly) Uh, greetings, citizen! Please identify yourself to the universe!  
  
Pierre: Ah, it would be a privilege, non? Moi is Pierre, ze knight errant! Moi is-- (Space Ghost suddenly blasts him. A pause. Zorak marks another tally onto his long list)  
  
SG: This is so stupid! Moltar, is this Jerry Lewis day or something? (Moltar laughs menacingly)  
  
Zorak: Hey, uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.  
  
SG: Shut up and hold it in! (a pause) Please welcome my final guest, who is neither dead nor French, Zappa! (the monitor lowers down with Zappa on the screen) Greetings, Zappa!  
  
Zappa: Space Ghost, how are y-- (SG blasts him. A pause)  
  
Zorak: Y'know, Space Ghost, that's gettin' old.  
  
SG: So? (he blasts Zorak) That never gets old, does it?  
  
Smoking Zorak: (cough) Trust me, it does...  
  
SG: Well, that's all the time we have for this episode. Tune in next week to... (Handle's "Messiah" is suddenly played. Space Ghost looks up in awe) Oh, real mature, Moltar!  
  
Moltar: (laughs)  
  
Episode 63: Jerry Lewis Day  
  
  
  


"That was fun," said Sneff dryly. "Now where do we go?"  
"Ehh, Fort Knox," said Kid mischievously. He gave her a look.  
"Why Fort Knox?" he asked.  
"Oh, no reason," smiled Kid wickedly. "No reason at all."  
"We've gotta find a mode of transportation first," said Orcha.  
"Let's steal that alien's spaceship!" suggested Miki. Even though they had no idea as to what she was talking about, the group liked this idea very much and went out to steal an alien spaceship.  
"Hey! Give me my fake-looking spaceship!" screeched the alien that had kidnapped Zoah, Doc, Miki, and Janice. Miki blew him a kiss.  
"Thanks, it's really nice!" Starky stuck his head out the window and waved.  
"Nanoo-nanoo!!"  
"No sticking your head out the window," said Viper. Starky stuck his head out the window. "I told you to stop doing that!"


	11. Knox-Knox, Who's There?

****

PART ELEVEN: KNOX-KNOX, WHO'S THERE?  
  


On their way to Fort Knox, our heroes made fun of many B-rated movies, but the spaceship blew up before they could finish any, and so Janice had to hitchhike their way to Fort Knox. Finally, after hours of walking and several failed Broadway plays later, our group found themselves in the Bluegrass state, and Fort Knox was just a stone's throw away.  
  


"Keep throwing rocks!" shouted Leena. NeoFio chucked another rock.  
"Did it hit Fort Knox?" asked Luccia. Leena shook her head and Luccia cursed.  
"This is getting us nowhere!" shouted Karsh. "We've been throwing stones all day and Fort Knox ain't any closer! Grahhh, we need to find a ride!" Suddenly, a magical bus dropped out of the sky and landed on Ted.  
"Oh no, they killed Ted," sighed Macha. Ted's feet shriveled underneath the bus, and everyone climbed in and drove off towards Fort Knox.  
"Wait!" said Glinda, trying to run after them. Her enormous pink gown wouldn't let her go any faster than a sloth. "You forgot the Ruby Slippers!" Suddenly, she noticed that the ruby slippers that Ted had "mysteriously" been wearing were gone. But who had them?  
  


"Nice slippers," said Razzly. Leena grinned.  
"Yeah, I found them on Ted's crushed body!"  
  


__

Bum bum bummm!!  
**  
**

Adventures in Fort Knox, Chapter One: The Wizard of Zozo  
  


(soap opera music cues up. Serge and Skelly are together in a room)  
  
Skelly: Serge, I think I'm pregnant! (an awkward pause thickens as Serge gazes back at Skelly in astonishment and confusion)  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"Hey, is it just me, or has the road become a little more--well, yellow?" Greco gulped.  
"Si, senor Guile. It is a complete mystery..."  
"That's the golden road of Fort Knox!" mumbled Nikki.  
"And why are there small people scattering around?" Greco swallowed.  
"They scare me!" he whined.  
"Those are just kids visiting Fort Knox!" murmured Nikki.  
"They're singing!" whimpered Guile.  
"Save us!" whined Greco.  
"They're just chanting along to the tunes in their car," muttered Nikki.  
"Follow the golden brick, Toad! Follow the golden brick, Toad! Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the golden brick, Toad!"  
"Must... follow... the road..." said Funguy eerily. Everyone climbed out of the bus.  
"Poshul, I don't think we're in Kentucky any more," shivered Leena. Everyone suddenly vanished, leaving her with Poshul and Funguy. For no apparent reason, she began following the golden brick road, followed by the two of them. The trio soon came across Mojo, who was hanging on a post by his nail.  
"Boogum!" he hooted. "Get-om me off of here-om!" Leena and Funguy pried him off, and the voodoo doll thanked them heartily.  
"What were you doing up there, Mojo?" asked Poshul. He shrugged.  
"I doon't-om knoow. I haven't-om been able to think-om lately."  
"You mean you don't have a brain?" asked Funguy. Mojo shook his head.  
"Noo, I certainly doon't-om." Leena frowned sadly.  
"Oh. Then I guess you should come along until we find somebody who can give you a proper brain!" Mojo leaped up in the air, shouting for joy as he joined the three of them. For awhile, the amazing quartet traveled across the golden road until they came to a strange forest. A rusted Grobyc was standing there in the woods, frozen solid for some strange reason. Funguy just happened to have an oil can with him, and after a few squirts, the cyborg was freed. But no sooner was he able to move did Grobyc stomp on a poor defenseless squirrel.  
"Why did you kill that squirrel?" whined Leena.  
"Grobyc-has-no-heart-remember?" Leena swallowed and remembered.  
"Yes, I remember. The Porres didn't give you a heart. Well, you shall have to come along with us until we find someone who can give you one." Grobyc shot a cute little bunny with a rocket launcher.  
"Grobyc-would-rather-not," replied the cyborg. "Grobyc-prefers-to-not-have- a-heart."  
"Pleeeeeeeease???" The robot sighed in defeat.  
"Very-well. Grobyc-will-come-with-you. But-do-not-expect-Grobyc-to-be- nice."  
"We never do," grunted Funguy. "We never do."  
  


The five of them continued traveling through the woods. Suddenly, Pierre leaped out and attacked them, but Grobyc stopped him short with a well- placed kick to the guts.  
"Why did you just kick moi?" wheezed Pierre, bowling over.  
"Grobyc-has-no-heart," replied the cyborg, looming over the would-be hero.  
"But zat was no reason to attack moi!"  
"You tharted it!" lisped Poshul. Pierre began crying like a big baby.  
"Ohhh, then it is true, non? Moi has no courage! Moi cannot be a hero!" Leena groaned.  
"Look, if you want courage so badly, then you'd better come along with us. We're looking for somebody who can give Mojo a brain, Grobyc a heart, and me a new pair of shoes."  
"Then maybe..." sniffled Pierre. "Maybe moi could get some courage?"  
"It'th pothible," said Poshul. "Thith trip hath already gone overboard." So Pierre joined Leena, Poshul, Funguy, Mojo, and Grobyc in search of his courage. Finally, they came to the end of the golden brick road, and found themselves in Fort Knox. Before they knew it, though, a mean old guard stopped them.  
"Stop, you!" shouted the guard. "What business do you have here?"  
"We are looking for ze wizard, non?" said Pierre. "Let us pass, oui?" The guard sighed.  
"Oh, brother... Look, if you all are auditioning for The Wizard of Oz, the studio's a few miles back that way." Pierre groaned.  
"It is useless, non?" Grobyc grunted and launched his boot at the poor guard, and the six of them continued on their epic journey. They entered the sacred hall of the resident wizard, but were met with none other than that blue floaty-faced old crony, Zordon.  
"Who dares disturb the everlasting know-it-all?" boomed Zordon. Pierre almost fainted.  
"Look," said Leena, "we were wondering if you had a spare brain and heart laying around. Oh, and can you do anything about my shoes?" Zordon glared down at her hard.  
"Silence!" he boomed. "The wizard of Zozo knows why you are here! But you must execute a test first!"  
"But Mojo didn't-om study!"  
"Silence!" boomed Zordon. "It's not a written test! You must bring me the broom of the wicked witch!"  
"You mean this?" asked Leena, producing her broom. Zordon flinched.  
"Errm, yes, that broom. But that's just the first part of the test! I need you to, um... Scare away the tourists!"  
"Already done," sighed Funguy. "They ran away in horror when they saw Skelly."  
"Erm, I knew that!" winced Zordon. "B-but that's not all of the test! You need to, ah... Defeat the legendary Ooglies, creatures so ugly that they're oogly!"  
"Moi has taken care of that!" sang Pierre. "They could not stand moi swordsmanship!"  
"Ahuh..." swallowed Zordon. "Did you save the princess from the Kraken?"  
"Yup," replied Mojo.  
"Did you attain the Holy Grail?"  
"Here-it-is," replied Grobyc.  
"Steal the Golden Fleece?"  
"I'm wearing it," replied Poshul.  
"Retrieve the singing sword of Marsh?"  
"I with we hadn't," lisped Poshul, showing Zordon a singing sword.  
"Kill the dragons?"  
"Done," sang Leena.  
"Blew up the Death Star?"  
"Did it," said Hayden Christensen.  
"Killed Goliath?"  
"Yup."  
"Retrieved Cerberus?"  
"Woof," said Cerberus.  
"Killed the Nemean lion? Cleaned the Augean stables? Solved a Rubik's cube? Won the chariot race? Beat Tetris? Put an all-you-can-eat joint out of business?"  
"Already done." Zordon fumed, finally blowing his lid.  
"THEN GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!! You stupid fools!" Then he blew up.  
"_Cool_!" squealed Leena. Suddenly, in a burst of light, Guile appeared!  
"Guile? _You're_ the wizard??"  
"Who did you expect, Ray Bolger? Yeah, I'm the wizard, but I'm fresh out of brains, courage, and hearts. All I have are these unusually comfortable moccasins." Leena squealed and stole them from his hands, prying off her ruby slippers and placing the shoes over her feet.  
"OH, they are so comfy! I could wear them forever! Thank you, wizard!" She hugged him, and he merely groaned.  
"What-om aboout my brain?" whined Mojo.  
"Shut-up," groaned Grobyc.  
  


****

Adventures in Fort Knox, Part Two: Help, I Have Too Many Girlfriends!  
  


(Theme song to "The Jerry Springer Show" cues up as the audience chants "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!")  
  
Jerry: Welcome to another action-packed and dramatic episode of MY show. Today, in our special Kentucky studio, we take an examination of guys that claim they have too many girlfriends. Our special guests include a boy named Serge, Cloud Strife, Tenchi Masaki, and Prince Vegeta. (The four guests enter the room, and every single female in the studio swoons. Jerry smiled wearily) First of all, how are you all?  
  
Serge: ... (he looks okay)  
  
Cloud: I'm feeling all right, Jerry.  
  
Tenchi: Yeah, I'm okay.  
  
Vegeta: Humph!  
  
Jerry: Let us introduce our first set of girlfriends. From the outer regions of space, we have all six of Mr. Masaki's girlfriends: Princess Ayeka, space pirate Ryoko, Officers Mihoshi and Kiyone, Princess Sasami, and Professor Washu. (the crowd cheers and whistles as the six girls enter the studio. Tenchi hangs his head, bracing himself for the inevitable squall. Suddenly, Ayeka stumbles and instantly blames it on Ryoko)  
  
Ayeka: You clumsy oaf! You did that on purpose so that I would look like a fool on national television!  
  
Ryoko: WHAT? I did no such thing! You're just picking on me again! (she hugs Tenchi tightly) Isn't that right, Tenchi dear? (the audience cheers. A large vein appears on Ayeka's forehead)  
  
Ayeka: Grrr...! You let go of Lord Tenchi! (the audience _oooooohs_)  
  
Ryoko: Face it, Ayeka! This man is mine! (the audience cheers and chants out "Fight! Fight!")  
  
Tenchi: Aaah! Stop it!! (Ryoko and Ayeka suddenly go after each other's throats, but are stopped by the security guards)  
  
Jerry: (calmly) I can tell there's some enmity going on here. Miss Washu, what do you think about Ayeka and Ryoko fighting over Tenchi?  
  
Washu: Well, he's not exactly my boyfriend--I just use him as my guinea pig. (the audience cheers and whistles. Washu blushes and fluffs her hair) Hehehe...  
  
Jerry: Right. Miss Kiyone, what do you think?  
  
Kiyone: Well, Jerry, I just have a little crush on Tenchi, nothing more. He's a little young for me, so there's really nothing there. (the audience boos. She blushes) Okay, okay!! I admit it!! I'm madly in love with him!!! (the audience cheers and whistles. Both Ayeka and Ryoko grow red with anger)  
  
Ayeka: Oh, Miss Kiyone! Not you too!  
  
Kiyone: Yes! Yes! And it feels so great to admit it! (she suddenly smothers Tenchi with a kiss but is restrained by the guards. She blows him a kiss as they hold her back. Tenchi groans)  
  
Tenchi: You see what I have to put up with, Jerry?  
  
Jerry: (ignoring him) Right, right... And what do you think, Mihoshi?  
  
Mihoshi: I'm tired of them fighting! And you know what else I'm tired of? People thinking that I'm some kind of freakish ditz! I'm normally a very graceful and refined lady! But being around Tenchi makes me clumsy... (she cries, and the audience sympathizes with her)  
  
Kiyone: It's true. Mihoshi used to be the most elegant woman in the force before she met Tenchi.  
  
Jerry: Ah, yes, we have a question from the audience. (he walks over to a nerdy fanfic writer)  
  
Writer: Yeah, uh, is it true that you and Mihoshi used to be lovers?  
  
Kiyone: (suddenly becoming enraged) I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT THAT !#?&@$#!& IDEA IN YOUR ?^$#$&@!?^ SICK HEAD!!! (she lurches at him but the guards restrain her)  
  
Mihoshi: But Kiyone, didn't we--  
  
Kiyone: YOU be quiet, Mihoshi!! (the audience boos her as Mihoshi cries. Tenchi has long been out of the conversation)  
  
Sasami: Well, here we go again.  
  
Jerry: This has happened before, Sasami?  
  
Sasami: Oh, yes. These mean old fanfiction authors have written such terrible stories about us! They stretch our escapades well beyond anything that's true. I mean, really! (Ayeka suddenly feels something poking her back. she glares accusingly at Ryoko)  
  
Ayeka: Ow! You poked me!  
  
Ryoko: I did not!  
  
Ayeka: Did too! (she glares at her)  
  
Ryoko: Did not! (she glares at her)  
  
Writer: Is it true that _you two _are-- (both of them kill the fanfic writer instantly)  
  
Jerry: Thank you. Well, I didn't want to do this... really... but we have with us the woman who Tenchi says is his true girlfriend! (the audience gasps) Yes, come on out, Sakuya! (the sweet Sakuya enters the studio, and a flood of wolf whistles drown out the fighting. She sits next to Tenchi and kisses his cheek)  
  
Ryoko: NO ?!#$^?%*# WAY!!!  
  
Ayeka: NOOOOO!!!!  
  
Kiyone: Oh man! (the three girls tear after poor Sakuya, but are restrained by the guards)  
  
Jerry: Tenchi, is Sakuya your true girlfriend?  
  
Tenchi: Yes she is, Jerry.  
  
Ayeka, Ryoko, and Kiyone: N-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Jerry: And how do you feel about Tenchi, Sakuya?  
  
Sakuya: I love him! (they smile at each other. the three girls struggle in vain against the grip of the security guards)  
  
Jerry: (casually) Very good. We'll return with the second segment of our series after these messages.  
  
(Five minutes pass.)  
  
Jerry: Welcome back to MY show. Our topic today is "Help, I have too many girlfriends!". We have just spoken with Tenchi Masaki and his seven girlfriends; now we're going to pry into the private lives of these other three men. Cloud Strife, do you have too many girlfriends?  
  
Cloud: (sighing) Yes, Jerry, I do.  
  
Jerry: And who are they?  
  
Cloud: Well, Tifa and I grew up together, and I was Aeris' bodyguard, and Yuffie just hangs around, and Jessie--  
  
Jerry: How very interesting. Let's bring in Cloud's would-be girlfriends!  
  
Cloud: No, don't! (Tifa, Aeris, Yuffie, and Jessie enter the room, the audience cheering and whistling. Tifa sits to the left of Cloud and Aeris sits to the right. They both take one of his hands and smile)  
  
Jerry: Now, it looks like you've got it made, Cloud!  
  
Cloud: Oh, if only you knew, Jerry... (he sighs. meanwhile, Ryoko and Ayeka are fighting, Sasami is trying to calm down Mihoshi, and Washu and Kiyone are shamelessly flirting with Tenchi. Sakuya looks irritated)  
  
Jerry: What do you mean, Cloud?  
  
Cloud: Well--  
  
Jerry: How very interesting. Let's hear what Aeris has to say. Aeris?  
  
Aeris: Oh, Jerry! I love Cloud! I love Cait Sith for saying that we're made for each other! I love the Turks for putting us together! I love Tifa for giving us a wedge to drive us apart, only to have us fall in love! I love Barrett for pushing Cloud into my loving arms! I love Sephiroth for making Cloud realize how good he has it with me! And I love Cloud for... Cloud! (she hugs him protectively and the audience _awwwwwwws_)  
  
Tifa: Ummm, excuse me? (she pauses to let the audience go _oooooooooooooh_! Aeris glares back at her) Yeah, you heard me! Cloud and I grew up together! Who do you think you are, stealing him away like this? I thought you were dead! (Aeris sticks her tongue out)  
  
Cloud: Here we go again.  
  
Aeris: Ummm, excuse me, but Playboy auditions are closed. (audience: _ooooooooooooh_!!)  
  
Tifa: (shocked) Well excuse me for having a body, miss perfect little church lady!  
  
Aeris: Slut!  
  
Tifa: Slum drunk!  
  
Aeris: Whore!  
  
Tifa: Ancient hag!  
  
Aeris: Prostitute!  
  
Tifa: ?!%&?$@&* tramp!  
  
Aeris: ?%^#$@%?!@ shrew! (they suddenly go at each other's throats, the audience cheering and chanting out "Fight! Fight! Fight!" The security guards separate them and ask Jerry for a raise. Cloud sighs)  
  
Cloud: This happens every day, Jerry. Every freaking day.  
  
Jerry: Right, very nice. Umm, any comments, Miss Jessie?  
  
Jessie: Well, even though I died, I'd just like to say that I'm hopelessly attracted to Cloud, and I hope that someday we'll be together and have many children. (audience: _awwwwwwwwww_!)  
  
Tifa: Umm, excuse me, but did somebody tell you that you don't stand a ?%$^^%#@$# chance?  
  
Jessie: Oh yeah?!?! Bring it on, Tifa!!! (they both stand up and start shouting in each other's faces)  
  
Tifa: I will! I will! You want some!?! Come and get it!!! (they fight as the audience goes berserk. Jerry shakes his head wearily as he tries to separate them. Yuffie leaps up and sits on Cloud's lap, hugging his neck tightly.)  
  
Jerry: (over the noise) What are your feelings, Yuffie?  
  
Yuffie: (gushing) I love Cloud! (she blinks at him flirtatiously. He groans)  
  
Jerry: Ah, yes. Well, we've got a question from an audience member... (he goes over to a nerdy-looking man, praying that the question was a clean one)  
  
Nerd: Yes, um, I was wondering if the rumors about Tifa and Aeris' "special relationship" with each other were true. And what about Sephiroth!? Didn't he have a fling with Aeris or Cloud?  
  
Jerry: (to himself) He's a dead man.  
  
Tifa: WHAT!!! Say that again, you ?%^&$@?#! (she dashes off towards the nerd and breaks his neck. She then rushes back down and pulls Aeris in the fight with her, leaving Yuffie to swoon over Cloud)  
  
Jerry: (calmly) And we'll be back with the second part of our series after these words.  
  
(Five minutes pass.)  
  
Jerry: Welcome to the second half of the program. We've already spoken with Mr. Strife and Mr. Masaki, so I guess we're ready to talk with Mr. Vegeta. (all of the girls are sitting by themselves, trying to remain quiet and civil) Mr. Vegeta, you're married, aren't you?  
  
Vegeta: Yes, I am.  
  
Jerry: And you still manage to attract a large following of so-called girlfriends?  
  
Vegeta: (growling) _I'll kill them all!!! _(every girl in the audience swoons)  
  
Jerry: Why do you think you have so many fans who are girls?  
  
Vegeta: How the ?#$%^$@ should I know? I try my hardest to be a detestable evil warlord, but does it work? No! I kill the good guys, I betray my so- called friends, I'm even mean to Bulma!  
  
Jerry: And you're still hounded by girls.  
  
Vegeta: It's sickening!!! I'm tired of it! (he stares into the camera) If any fan-girls are out there, read my lips: I WILL PERSONALLY KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T STOP BOTHERING ME!!! Oh, and Bulma, I need an extra pair of socks.  
  
Girls: Awww, that is so sweet!! (they swoon and Vegeta blasts at them. He knocks the guards out and starts blasting at every girl in the room, but they only increase in number)  
  
Jerry: (casually, as if he sees this every day) We'll return for our fourth segment right after these messages.  
  
(Five minutes pass.)  
  
Jerry: We're back with our final segment of the series, "Help, I have too many girlfriends!". We have already spoken to Mr. Masaki, Mr. Strife, and Mr. Vegeta, and now we're ready to speak with Serge. Serge, tell us about your girlfriend problems.  
  
Serge: ......  
  
Jerry: I see. So you originally had Leena, but Kid pushed her way into your life and forced Leena out of the scene. But that wasn't enough, and soon Harle made her way into the picture. Is that correct?  
  
Serge: (nodding his head)  
  
Jerry: I see. Well, let's bring in your three so-called girlfriends in here, shall we? (the audience cheers and whistles as Harle, Leena, and Kid enter the room. Leena is the only one that looks like she has any civility left in her) Welcome to the show, ladies.  
  
Leena: Thank you, Mr. Springer. It's an honor to be on your show.  
  
Jerry: (amazed) ...wow, somebody who's actually polite! Unreal! Erm, yes. Tell me, Leena--were you Serge's original girlfriend?  
  
Leena: Yes sir, I was, and I still consider myself Serge's girl. (she smiles at him warmly. the audience goes _awwwwwwwww_)  
  
Jerry: Well, I have here two ladies that would argue otherwise. Kid, do you have--Kid? (Kid is out of her seat. She has her arms around Serge, giving him a great big kiss)  
  
Leena: Hey! Kid! (audience is cheering and going _ooooooooooooooh_)  
  
Kid: Ahahahahahaaa! Oi, yer a great kisser, mate! Heh, sorry Leena! (Leena shakes her head in irritation)  
  
Leena: Serge, do you love Kid? (he nods his head) Are you _in love _with Kid? (he shakes his head) Good, that's what I wanted to hear.  
  
Kid: WHAT!?! OI!  
  
Harle: Aha! Monsieur Serge ees een love with moi! (she folds her arms around his neck)  
  
Kid: OI! Get offa him, ya freak! (Harle sticks her tongue out)  
  
Harle: Come and make moi, if vous dare! (they attack each other. Jerry sighs in defeat)  
  
Leena: Serge, do you love Harle? (he nods his head) Are you _in love_ with Harle? (he shakes his head) Good, that's what I wanted to hear. (the guards separate Kid and Harle, and threaten to leave if Jerry doesn't give them a raise)  
  
Jerry: Well, Leena, you might be surprised that Serge actually has another girlfriend that nobody knows about! (the audience gasps) Bring out Serge's girlfriend! (Janice suddenly skips into the studio, waves at the cheering audience, and cuddles up next to Serge)  
  
Leena: (shocked) Serge!! Why didn't you _tell_ me?  
  
Serge: (shrugs)  
  
Leena: Well, you'd better treat him like royalty, Janice! (she turns her back to him fiercely, and the audience boos)  
  
Jerry: Janice, when did you and Serge decide to hook up?  
  
Janice: Oh, long before we went on this road trip, Jerry!  
  
Kid, Leena, and Harle: SAY WHAT?!  
  
Janice: (giggling) It's true! Oh, and Kid? I wouldn't count on you being with my Sergiepoo anytime soon.  
  
Kid: Why's that?  
  
Janice: Well...? Jerry?  
  
Jerry: You got it, Janice! Bring out Lynx and Lucca! (suddenly, Lynx and Lucca Ashtear appear, shocking Kid beyond belief)  
  
Kid: S-SIS!! Y-YER ALIVE!!!  
  
Lucca: Well, of course I'm alive, Kid! (Kid hugs Lucca fiercely)  
  
Kid: B-but... how? Why? And... why's Lynx here?  
  
Lucca: It's a long story, Kid. (Kid lets go of Lucca and brings out her dagger. the audience screams for a fight, as if they hadn't seen enough)  
  
Kid: Lynx! Yer gonna pay for burnin' our house down! Lucca may be alive, but that don't mean that I forgive ya! (she attacks Lynx and slices at his arm, but he knocks her away and points his deadly scythe at her throat)  
  
Lynx: There is no escape! Don't make me destroy you, Kid! (Kid kicks at Lynx, but he lets his scythe down on her arm and nearly cuts it. Kid screams in shock as the guards try to stop them, but Lynx blows them away) Kid, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the world!  
  
Kid: You dirty ?!#$^?$%^!! I'll never join ya!  
  
Lynx: (darkly) If you only knew the power of the dark side! You know, Kid, Lucca never told you what became of your parents.  
  
Kid: She told me enough! She told me that you killed them! You killed my mother, and you killed my father!  
  
Lynx: No, Kid! (pauses dramatically) I am your father! (a hollow pause as Kid stares back at Lynx in horror. the audience is dead silent)  
  
Kid: No... that ain't true! That's impossible!!  
  
Lynx: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!!  
  
Kid: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Nooo... (Kid breathes heavily as Lynx released his scythe)  
  
Lynx: Kid, you can destroy FATE. She has foreseen this. Join me, and together we can rule the--  
  
Kid: Oi! If yer me father, then who's me mother? (Lynx swallows. Lucca steps up)  
  
Lucca: I am your mother, Kid. (an awkward pause)  
  
Kid: No... that ain't true! That's impossible!!  
  
Lucca: (gently) Search your feelings, you know it to be true.  
  
Kid: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Nooo... (Kid breathes heavily as Lucca gazes at her sadly) Y-ya mean... Lynx and...?  
  
Lucca: (slowly) Yes.  
  
Kid: (grimacing) ...Oh, that just ain't right. Oi, if Lynx is my father... and Lynx is Serge's father, then... that means...  
  
Serge: (standing up) Yes, Kid. I am your brother.  
  
Kid: No... that ain't true! That's impossible!!  
  
Serge: Search your feelings, Kid. You know it to be true!  
  
Kid: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Nooo...  
  
Jerry: This is getting old.  
  
Kid: Ya mean ta tell me that I've had a thing for me own brother?!?!?!  
  
Serge: (nodding slowly)  
  
Kid: Ugh, now that ain't right!!  
  
Jerry: A confusing family debacle that has just revealed itself on national television. More when we come back, and any further resolutions.  
  
(Five minutes pass)  
  
Jerry: We're back, with "Help, I have too many girlfriends!". Today we've seen the devastation caused by having way too many girls around. We've peered into the secret lives of the men they love, and we've seen that the only thing they ask for is peace. But thankfully, over the commercial break, our girls have made peace with each other and have resolved all conflict. Princess Ayeka?  
  
Ayeka: Yes, honorable Jerry. (she turns to Ryoko) I want to apologize, Miss Ryoko. I've been such a selfish woman recently. It has become fairly obvious that Lord Tenchi loves you more, and I want you to have him. But I would also like for us to be friends. (she hugs Ryoko)  
  
Ryoko: No, I should be the one apologizing, princess. I've acted like nothing but a childish moron, and it's become plain to me that Tenchi loves you more. Please, as my dearest friend, I want you to have him.  
  
Tenchi: Girls...  
  
Ayeka: But I couldn't! He's been in love with you forever! You take him!  
  
Ryoko: I can't! I wouldn't want you to be unhappy! You take him.  
  
Ayeka: No, please Ryoko--you take him.  
  
Tenchi: Girls...  
  
Ryoko: (growing irritated) Ayeka! Sweetie! Tenchi is yours!  
  
Ayeka: Ryoko dear, I insist!  
  
Ryoko: No, I insist!  
  
Tenchi: _Girls_!  
  
Ayeka: (growling) You can have him!  
  
Ryoko: (growling) No! You can have him! (they start fighting again, and Tenchi sighs in defeat)  
  
Tenchi: I just can't win here, Jerry! (he shrugs and kisses Sakuya. Meanwhile, Kiyone and Mihoshi have made up, and have left the building long ago with Sasami and Washu)  
  
Jerry: What about you, Cloud?  
  
Aeris: I love you, so I want you to have him!  
  
Tifa: You're my best friend, so you should have him!  
  
Aeris: You grew up with him, so he's yours!!  
  
Tifa: He's your bodyguard, so he's yours!! (they start fighting and Cloud sighs in defeat)  
  
Cloud: Let's get outta here, Yuffie.  
  
Yuffie: (gushing) Sure thing, Cloud... (they leave hand-in-hand. Jessie has left long ago)  
  
Jerry: Vegeta? (he is making out with Bulma. Jerry completely ignores them and steps towards our heroes) Serge?  
  
Janice: You talked! Sergey, you talked! (she hugs him tightly)  
  
Serge: (smiling)  
  
Jerry: And what about you, Harle? Kid? (Kid is playing catch with her parents. She tosses a ball at Lynx, and it bonks him on the head)  
  
Lynx: Good throw, honey! Hey, go long, Kid! Go long!  
  
Kid: (squealing) Woo-hoo! Oi, g'day Jerry! I've got some catchin' up ta do with my dad! (she runs and catches the ball that Lynx throws) Oi, yer a great dad!!  
  
Harle: How amuzing, non? (Lucca and Harle share a smile and a laugh) Oh, Jerry, moi doez not mind zat Serge haz a secret love--really I don't. Az long az moi eez able to enjoy time weeth Mademoiselle Lucca and Monsieur Lynx, zen moi is 'appy.  
  
Jerry: What a good ending to a good show. Tune in next time when we cover the difficult "I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate". Good day, everyone.  
  
  
  
**Adventures in Fort Knox, finale: It all happened so fast!**  
  
Kid got arrested for robbing Fort Knox and was placed in prison with everyone else. As usual, Starky was the brunt of the blame, and as usual, somebody broke our heroes out of jail. But now both Lucca and Lynx were joining in the road trip. What kind of wacky adventures could our heroes possibly go through now? Stay tuned to find out!  
  
  
  
"Where-th art we going now?" asked Turnip. Glenn shrugged.  
"We've been pretty much everywhere this country has to offer."  
"Not so, lad!" shouted Fargo. "We haven't explored her capitol just yet!!" Glenn paused as he considered it, and continued to drive the bus. Fargo had a point, besides the one on his sword.  
"Where is the capitol?" asked the knight. As usual, everyone turned to Kid's atlas.  
"We're in Kentucky now, so we should make it soon of we keep headin' east. I'll tellya when you should turn, Glenn." Glenn nodded his head. Leena sighed, the scars of the "Springer episode" still fresh on her young mind. To think that Serge had a secret girlfriend all this time! And it had been Janice all along! Even more bizarre was the fact that Kid had once been Serge's would-be girlfriend--only to turn out to be his younger sister! And Lynx and Lucca their real parents!! What was up with that??  
"WhatCHA thinkin' about, Leena?" asked Orcha. She sighed.  
"Serge and Kid. I never suspected that he had a girlfriend or a sister! And I thought that Marge and Wazuki were his real parents!"  
"Well," said Lucca slowly, "that's not entirely false. I gave birth to them sure enough, but to protect them from the grasp of FATE, I let my old friend Marge adopt young Serge as her own son while I kept Kid in my orphanage. Serge looked so much like Wazuki that I thought it would be best to let him adopt."  
"But I thought that Lynx was Wazuki," said Steena. Lucca frowned.  
"Well, he is, and he isn't. It's too hard to explain. But Lynx is genuinely Serge and Kid's father, as I am genuinely their mother."  
"An' what about that bus'ness with Kid bein' Schala's daughter-clone?" asked Zappa.  
"That, I can answer," replied the scientist. "Schala's original daughter- clone died when my house burned to the ground, but I was able to save her pendent. Since Kid resembled the original bearer of the pendent, I just told her that she was the daughter-clone. Besides, which do you think Kid would believe more: Lynx and I were her parents, or she was the daughter- clone of Schala?" Zappa shrugged.  
"Ye have a point there." Kid smiled and hugged her newfound sister-turned- mother.  
"Well, I don't care who we are, long as we're together again!" Lucca smiled and stroked her daughter's blonde hair.  
"I second dat notion," said Luccia, smiling warmly. "It hast been too long since I haff seen Lucca, and I haff even missed de old Lynx."  
"Old Lynx?"  
"Like my colleague said," replied Luccia dryly, "it ist too hard to explain. Ve should be concentrating on heading toward de capitol of dis country. Vat is de name of de capitol, herr Fargo?"  
"Washington, D.C., lass!"  
"Den to Vashington, D.C. ve shall go."


	12. AC D.C.

****

PART TWELVE: AC D.C.  
  
Two days passed.  
**  
**

Adventures in Washington, D.C., Chapter One: The Best of Crimes  
  


(soap opera music cues up. Serge and C-3PO are together in a room)  
  
C-3PO: Master Serge, it has come to my attention that I am pregnant. (an awkward pause thickens as Serge gazes back at C-3PO in astonishment and confusion)  
  


__

Meanwhile...  
  


"Well, we're in the capitol," said Nikki. "Now what?" He glanced around the bus, searching for his father. "Hey, anybody seen my father?"  
"Nope," said Kid.  
"No," said Lynx.  
"No," said Norris.  
"No," said Steena.  
"No," said Riddel.  
"Noo," said Starky.  
"Nope," said Doc.  
"No," said Pip.  
"NoCHA," said Orcha.  
"No," said Greco.  
"NoCHA," said Macha.  
"No," said Draggy.  
"Naw," said Janice.  
"Nope," said Miki.  
"No," said Guile.  
"No," said Viper.  
"No," said Karsh.  
"NO," said Zoah.  
"Like, no way!" said Marcy.  
"NoCHA," said Korcha.  
"No," said Luccia.  
"No," said Lucca.  
"No," said Poshul.  
"No," said Razzly.  
"Nae," said Zappa.  
"Isn't that a lovely tree?" said Radius.  
"No," said Glenn.  
"No," said Leena.  
"...," said Serge.  
"Non," said Harle.  
"Nah," said Sprigg.  
"No-om," said Mojo.  
"Nay," said Turnip.  
"No," said NeoFio.  
"Nope," said Skelly.  
"No," said Funguy.  
"No," said Irenes.  
"NoCHA," said Mel.  
"No," said Leah.  
"No," said Van.  
"No," said Sneff.  
"No," said Grobyc.  
"Non," said Pierre.  
"No," said Orlha.  
"Well, shoot!" exclaimed Nikki. "I guess we'd better go looking for him!"  
  
  
  
Fargo had secretly escaped the group earlier that day. He was making his way through the capitol and was headed towards the White House. Fargo, why are you going towards the White House?  
"Arr! Cuz' I'm gonna take over this country!" But why do you want to take over this country? "Arr! Umm, I don't know!" Well, that makes sense. Good luck, sea-dog!  
  


Finally, Fargo was at the gates of the White House. Although he had been stopped by many guards, none of them scared the pirate, as he pushed and shoved his way into the historic building and into the Oval Office.  
"Arr!" he roared, pointing his cutlass. "I'm takin' over this place!" President Bush looked up from his papers.  
"Oh, hey Fargo," he said, waving nonchalantly. "I can't play with you now. I've got other priorities to do--looking out for America being one of them."  
"Arr!" roared Fargo. "I didn't ask ye! Now hand over the key to the country!" President Bush sighed again and concentrated on his papers.  
"**Al**l right, Far**go**. But **re**ally, I have these **SU**V laws to pi**ck** out and **s**o many other things. Right? But if you really want to take over the country, then the key's up there." Fargo growled and reached for the key to the country.  
"Arr! This country is mine! MINE, I say!!!"  
"Yes, whatever you say, Fargo," mumbled Bush nonchalantly. "Now let me get back to my work, and I promise I'll spend some time with you, or whatever." Fargo ran out of the White House, flashing the key to the country at everyone he saw.  
"Arr! I have the key to this country!" Nobody stopped him once they saw him flashing the key to the country. They just let him pass. After he ran off, the guards swarmed into the oval office, demanding to know why the President gave Fargo the key.  
"Mr. President, why did you give Fargo the key?"  
"I'm just letting the baby have his bottle," replied Bush. "I'll face Fargo on his own terms. Let him run around for awhile, then challenge him to Celebrity Deathmatch."  
"Celebrity Deathmatch?" gasped the guards. "But... won't that be dangerous?"  
"No, don't worry about me."  
"All right," sighed his guards. "Anybody else you want to invite, sir?"  
"Yes, actually," replied Bush thoughtfully.  
  


****

Adventures in Washington, D. C., Chapter Two: The Worst of Crimes  
  


With the key to the country in hand, Fargo decided to have a day of it. He stepped out in the middle of the road and almost got ran over.  
"Arr! Watch where yer goin'!" The driver answered with some expletives. "Same ta you, matey!" Fargo waved at the driver with the key to the country. "Arr! What could a lad do with this here key?"  
"Go back to Jersey, you moron!"  
"I ain't from Jersey!" Fargo jaywalked.  
"Don't jaywalk," a police officer warned. Fargo walked over to him, unsheathing his sword. He waved the key to the country in the cop's face.  
"I've got the key to the country! Arr har har!" The cop gave him a weird look. Fargo ran away, laughing maniacally. Cloud shrugged his shoulders.  
"Stop shrugging, Cloud!" Barrett ordered.  
"Leave me alone!" Cloud shouted. Now that he had the key to the country, Fargo's first destination was the Hard Rock Cafe. Fargo stole a taxicab and drove himself, using directions found on the back of a cereal box (the original driver couldn't understand his English and kept on saying 'Is that your final answer, sir?'). The workers at the Hard Rock Cafe were only slightly surprised to see a crazy pirate.  
"I want a table, lads! Now!" Fargo showed them the key to the country.  
"Man, it's another one of those wackos," groaned the worker.  
"Arr?"  
"Yeah, we've got, like, twenty of them already," another worker nodded. For some "strange reason", he sounded suspiciously like a Marcy follower.  
"Arr?"  
"Stop saying that!" shouted a random person. Fargo was curious about the wackos, so he used the key to the country to get a free pass. Marcy, Mel, Leah, Korcha, and Janice were eating at a table. Fargo ignored them and tried to pry a table from the floor. The manager of Hard Rock came over to see what he was doing.  
"What are you doing?"  
"I'm stealin' this table!"  
"Why?"  
"Because I've got the key to the country!" He fiercely wielded the key to the country. Everyone in the cafe stopped what they were doing, in awe of the pirate and his key. The manager cowered.  
"Like, what is he doing?" said Marcy snobbishly, clicking her tongue.  
"There he goes again," sighed Mel, "taking the key to the country and pushing everyone around. I wanted the key to the country."  
"Shut up Mel," ordered Korcha. "Nobody cares about you."  
"OH NO! KORCHA'S HAIR IS ON FIRE!!!!" Janice screamed.  
"AAAHH!!! Put it out, put it out!" shrieked Korcha maniacally. He fell on the floor and started rolling around.  
"You shouldn't roll on the floor, Korcha. You don't know where it's been," Mel told him.  
"Shut up, Mel!!" screamed Korcha. Marcy ran to get a bucket of water and came back. She hurled the contents at him, but instead of being doused by water, Korcha was bombarded by cubes of ice. Korcha stared at Marcy coldly (no pun intended) as the ice fell to the floor.  
"Oh, that was smart."  
"Um... you're still on fire," pointed Marcy. Korcha looked up and suddenly realized he was still on fire.  
"AAAHH!!! Put it out, put it out!" shrieked Korcha maniacally. Marcy ran to get a bucket of water.  
"Here we go-um again!" said Leah. Fargo was eating happily at his table when a group of singing waiters came by.  
"AAHH!! Singing waiters! Get me outta here!" He bolted out of the door, screaming maniacally.  
**  
**

Adventures in Washington, D. C. Chapter Three: Mr. Van Goes to Washington  
  


Van was alone on the bus. He got off, wondering why everyone left him. It dawned on him that he was useless. He had no major role in the road trip. Nobody loved poor Van!  
"Nobody loves me!" he cried. "I think I shall go berserk." He ran around for a while, screaming maniacally and shouting nonsensical phrases. After a few minutes of that, he came to a lake. He thought it'd be a good idea to go for a swim, so he jumped in. A duck stole his hat.

"Come back here!" he sang, a demented look on his face. He grabbed the duck fiercely, staring into it with wild eyes. In a fit of demented insanity, he smooched the fowl creature on its head. Laughing uncontrollably, he pulled out a roll of duct tape from his pouch and slowly wrapped the tape around the duck, attaching the poor creature to his head.

"Now _you're_ going to be my new hat!" he said, foaming at the mouth. He was quite mad. With the duck secure on his noggin, Van went skipping along to the Washington Monument. He tilted his head upward, staring at the enormous marble spire.  
"Ooh! Me want to _climb_!" With the deliberation of a madman, Van slowly crept toward the tower, firmly gripping the walls as he began to climb. For some mysterious reason, Van was able to scale the mighty tower. Finally, after an hour of strenuous scaling, he made it to the top.

"I'm the King of Funky Town!" he roared, addressing the land before him. "Bow down and worship me!"  
"Quack," said the duck. Van suddenly started twirling around like a top gone insane, singing "I'm a Little Teapot" over and over again.  
  


****

Adventures in Washington, D. C., Chapter Four: Where Should Fargo go Next?  
  


Where should he go next?  
"Arr! I'll tell you! I'm goin' ta Disneyworld!" You've already been there. "Oh. Then I'm goin' ta Congress!" Fargo thought a while. "Where is Congress?" I don't know. Fargo shrugged and walked up to Capital Hill where he met a bill. "Who're you?"  
"I'm just a bill, sitting here on Capital Hill," sighed the bill sadly. Fargo whipped out his trusty flamethrower and blasted the poor bill.  
"Now yer _fryin_' here on Capital Hill!" He laughed heartily as he stormed into the Congress building. "Arr! I've got the key to country and I'm takin' over this sorry joint!"  
"Wait a minute," said a Congressman. "Can't we take a vote first?"  
"But I've got the key!" whined Fargo.  
"It'll just take a second," assured the Congressman. They began talking amongst themselves. Fargo waited for about five minutes, then got impatient and started killing people.  
"Hey!" whined a Congressman. "Stop killing people!" Fargo punched him in the nose. Suddenly, one of the President's aides gave him a letter.  
"What's this? An invitation to Celebrity Deathmatch? Arr! I'm already there!"  
  


****

Adventures in Washington, D. C. Chapter Five: A Visit to St. Lincoln?  
  


After his escapades at the Washington Monument, Van decided to visit the Lincoln Memorial. He skipped up to Lincoln's statue and climbed up on the statue's lap.  
"Hello, Mr. Lincoln," he cooed. "I want a pony for Christmas! And a piggybank, and a paintbrush, and a new duck..."  
"Quack," said the duck. Van suddenly grew concerned as a thought entered his head.  
"Why won't you give a house to my daddy, Mr. Lincoln?" He rolled his eyes crazily. "What do you want for Christmas, Mr. Quackers?"  
"Quack," said the duck.  
I want some duct tape for Mr. Quackers, and Mr. Quackers wants Quack. What's Quack, Mr. Quackers?"  
Quack," said Mr. Quackers. Suddenly, one of the President's aides gave Van a letter.  
What's this?" sang Van. "Ooh! Celebrity Deathmatch!" He then proceeded to eat the letter. "That was delicious, Mr. Quackers!" He turned around and waved crazily at the statue of Lincoln. "Merry Christmas, Mr. Lincoln!"  
  


****

Adventures in Washington, D. C. Chapter Six: Celebrity Deathmatch!  
  


Finally, the big day had arrived.  
  


"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WELCOME TO CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!!! TODAY, SEE PRESIDENT BUSH GO ONE-ON-ONE AGAINST OSAMA BIN-LADEN!! SEE HARRY POTTER DUEL IT OUT TO THE DEATH WITH FARGO!! WINNER TAKES ALL! OH YEAH!!"  
"Ah hate that announcer," grumbled Zappa.  
"I know," said Riddel, "but let's cheer for Fargo nonetheless." She clapped her hands as the referee came out onto the ring with Fargo and Harry Potter.  
"All right," began the ref, "you boys know the rules. If you kill someone, they lose. Well, now that I've covered all the rules, what say we get down to business and show these people a good fight!?" The audience cheered, and the bell sounded for the first match to commence.  
Harry Potter growled viciously as he stormed towards the pirate, his mouth already conjuring up his most devastating spell. Suddenly, he slipped on a bar of soap and fell on the mat, breaking his neck. The fall killed him instantly.  
"Huh?" said Fargo, a puzzled look on his face. He gazed at the dead wizard, unsure as to what had just happened. "Is it over?" he asked. "Arr, blow me down! Th' fight's over before it began!" Fargo cheered as the referee held his arm up.  
"The winner: Fargo!!" The audience cheered wildly, and the band began playing "Stars and Stripes Forever" in honor of Fargo's victory.  
"Um, guys!" said Miki. "What just happened?" Riddel shrugged and produced an unusually large rocket launcher, aimed it at the fallen magician, and blew up half the ring with the shot.  
"Cool!!!" squeaked Mel.  
  
  
  
"Hey, looks like Bush and Osama are entering the ring," pointed NeoFio. Sure enough, President Bush and Osama Ben-Laden had stepped into the ring. The audience booed and cheered as the referee went over the rule. After the bell sounded, Osama began speaking gibberish that nobody could understand.  
"All right, Osama," said Bush calmly, "you're going down!" With that challenge out, Bush stepped forward and began punching Osama in the face. With every blow, the terrorist grunted out painfully as he staggered backwards. "Don't mess with Texas!" cried Bush, pummeling the Afghan mercilessly. He began spinning his fists around faster and faster, beating Osama's brains out like a small punching bag. Finally, Bush went "Oh, a wise guy, eh?" and poked him in the eyes.  
"Ah! My eyes!" screamed Osama. "Allah help me!" The crowd roared as Bush calmly produced a cigar from his pocket.  
"Here," he said, lighting the tip. "Just to show you that America isn't so bad." Bush stuck the cigar in Osama's mouth, and backed away as it blew up. The crowd cheered as Osama sat there dizzily. As the terrorist looked up, his eyes bugged out as he saw a piano crashing down towards him.  
  
BANG!!!  
  
"I won!" shouted Bush, jumping up and down. "Don't mess with America!"  
"USA! USA! USA! USA!" chanted the crowds. Osama poked his head out from the wreckage, several piano keys hanging out from his mouth. They played "Yankee Doodle Dandy" as he collapsed on the floor. Slowly, Pip made his way onto the scene and decapitated him with his tail.  
"I got him!" he squeaked. "I got him!!"  
  
  
  
"AND NOW, THE FINAL MATCH IN THE GREATEST EPISODE OF CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH EVER!! IN THIS CORNER, PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH!! AND IN THE OTHER CORNER, THE CURRENT HOLDER OF THE KEY TO THE COUNTRY, FARGO!!" The audience went berserk as the two "warriors" entered the ring. Fargo gloated proudly as he dangled the key to the country.  
"Arr! You want this back? Come and get it, then!"  
"Oh, I will," replied Bush simply. The bell started, and Fargo immediately rushed out, preparing his unstoppable Invincible tech skill. But before he could execute it, Bush leaped out of the way, drawing his own sword.  
"Arr! I see that yer sword is as big as mine!" laughed Fargo. The two fighters glanced briefly at their weapons to make sure it was true. "Now we'll see how well you... handle it!" With that, Fargo and Bush lunged at each other, swinging their blades dramatically. They dueled for several minutes, neither one receiving any kind of advantage. Suddenly, Fargo sliced at Bush but missed, and hit Ted instead. He died instantly.  
"Uhhh... He did it!" pointed Fargo.  
"_What_?!" screamed Bush, continuing the fight. The duel raged on, but suddenly, the blades were cut in half due to the intensity of the battle. Fargo and Bush stared at their weapons briefly, shrugged, and continued dueling with half a sword. But soon the halves broke in half, leaving only one-fourth of a sword. They shrugged again and continued fighting.  
The fourths soon broke into eighths, and although their swords were no longer than sewing needles, neither Fargo nor Bush wanted to quit. Finally, the swords broke into one-sixteenths their original size, leaving them too short to duel with.  
"Arr," grumbled Fargo, "we're not gettin' anywhere!" Bush nodded.  
"Right. How about thumb-wrestling match?" Fargo agreed, and the two clasped hands in a vicious lock. The audience cheered as Fargo and Bush eyed each other's thumbs. Suddenly, Bush swerved his digit around and pinned Fargo's thumb down, winning the match and the game.  
"Shiver me timbers!" roared Fargo. "I... I lost!"  
"That's right," replied Bush simply. "Now hand over the key to the country." Fargo grunted and threw the key at the President. Suddenly, the president's bodyguards came and arrested Fargo for taking over the country.  


Well, you can guess what happens here. The cops land everyone in jail, again. And Starky's the one they blamed, again. And then somebody broke them out, again. And then they make a dramatic getaway and continue their road trip, _again_.  
  
  
  


"Now if we could actually go somewhere _without landing in prison_!!" spat Korcha, glaring at Starky, "then maybe we'll have a good time."  
"Starky soorry," said Starky. "Iit not Starky's fauult that Starky an aliien."  
"Well, that aside, where do you suggest we go now?" asked Steena.  
"I wanna go home!" whined Mel.  
"How about Philadelphia?" asked Greco. Glenn shrugged.  
"Why not?" he said, steering the bus towards Philadelphia.  
"Because world hunger affects us all," said Orlha. Everyone paused and stared at her.  
"Would you two stop that!" yelled Leena suddenly. Serge and Janice had just been expressing their true feelings towards each other, if you know what I mean. Janice grinned.  
"Sorry, Leena. But your ex is a great kisser!" She winked as Serge pulled her back, and Leena grunted.  
"Would you two stop that!" she yelled again. Lucca and Lynx had been snuggling. "That's just plain wrong!"  
"But we're madly in love!" stated Lynx. Lucca purred.  
"H'm, yeah, get over it, Leena!" Leena pouted. All across the bus, people were being lovey-dovey with each other, and that made her mad. Serge was with Janice, Orlha was with Norris, Lynx was with Lucca, Nikki was with Miki, Riddel was with Dario (who was strangely AWOL), Korcha was with Kid, Zappa was with Zippa (who was also strangely AWOL), Fargo was with Irenes and Marcy, Turnip was with NeoFio, Van was with Mr. Quackers, Luccia was with Grobyc (he had blown a fuse from all the love), Mojo, Skelly, and Sprigg were engaged in a bawdy drinking song, Pierre was trying to be with Harle, and Pip was basically with everyone.  
"It's not fair!" she cried. "I'm young! I'm pretty! I'm polite! I'm single! What gives?"  
"I know what you mean," said Steena empathetically. "I too know the effects of being single. But let us try and make the most of it." She smiled and patted Leena's arm.  
"Hey," said Doc, interrupting the two, "do you still have that tattoo, Steena?" She turned red and closed her eyes.  
"I'd rather not say," she replied roughly, and Doc backed away. Suddenly, the bus blew up.  
  
  
  
"This looks awphully phamiliar," said NeoFio, staring at the burning wreckage.  
"Hey, wasn't Aeris in there?" asked Sneff.  
"Who cares?" stated Karsh. "We're in ?$%&?#%! Philadelphia anyway, so let's go!"


	13. AAAADRIIIAAAAAAAAANE!!!!!!!!!!

****

PART THIRTEEN: AAAADRIIIAAAAAAAAANE!!!!!!!!!!  
  


Adventures in Philadelphia, contention Uno: Ring My Bell  
  


Zappa walked into Independence Hall, the museum where the Liberty Bell was placed.  
"Ach," he spat, "this bell's seen better days. Looks like ah kin fix it if ah had some time ta m'self." And without further delay, Zappa stole the Liberty Bell and carried it off to a secret workshop, where he had Maas, Meese, Mose, Moose, and Mace from Suikoden and Watts from the Gaia games help him.  
"A fine collection of tools you have here!" exclaimed Maas.  
"Way too cramped to work in here," grumbled Meese.  
"This army gets bigger every day, so I'm always busy," noted Mose.  
"I've got to keep this in top shape!" said Moose.  
"In order to fix this bell, the weak spots must be hammered out," said Mace.  
"One million strikes!" yelled Watts.  
"Ach!" spat Zappa. "It's done!" After the seven of them finished the bell, they carefully carried it back to Independence Hall and placed it in its original position. A tourist walked by the bell and screamed.  
"Vandalism!"  
  


****

Adventures in Philadelphia, contention Deux: Fast Food Follies  
  


Riddel, Steena, Pip, and Glenn walked into a fast food place. They were all very hungry and had not eaten in a long time. Some of the women in the room swooned when they saw Glenn and gushed when they saw Pip, and some of the men in the room had hearts floating around their heads when they caught sight of Steena and Riddel.  
"I shall have a grilled chicken sandwich," said Riddel. The cashier drooled.  
"Uhhh... y-yes, ma'am..." He punched in her order.  
"And I shall have the roast beef," said Steena. The cashier rubbed his eyes.  
"Uhhh... y-yes, ma'am... (Man oh man, I'm the luckiest guy in the world!)"  
"I will just take a hamburger," said Glenn. The other cashier gushed.  
"Sure thing, hon," she said dreamily. She was too smitten to punch in the right order.  
"I'll have a miwkshake!" squeaked Pip.  
"Awwwww, he's so cute!" squealed the cashier. She completely forgot about Pip's order.  
  
  
  
The gang sat down at a booth and ate their lunches quietly. After they filled their bellies, the went back to the cashier to pay for their meal.  
"Nine eighty-three," mumbled the male cashier, his eyes fixed on the ladies.  
"Five forty-six," gushed the female cashier, staring at Glenn. He reached into his wallet, but when he opened it up, a butterfly escaped.  
"Free!" it squealed. "I'm free!" Glenn scratched his head and shrugged.  
"I guess I'm penniless," he said. The female was too smitten to hear him.  
"As are we," sighed Riddel sadly. The man only smiled dreamily. Suddenly, the manager entered the room. He was not affected by the girls or Pip.  
"No money?" he growled. He slapped the foursome with a uniform. "Then you'll have to work it off!!"  
  


__

Bum bum bummm!!  
  


Two hours later...  
  


"Hello, welcome to Square Meals," mumbled Glenn, clenching his teeth with embarrassment. Riddel had said that he looked fine in his new uniform, but he could tell that she was trying to hold back a laugh. As always, Pip looked adorable with his little uniform and miniature chef's hat. "May I take your odor?"  
"Yes, I'll have--excuse me?"  
"Oops!" gasped Glenn. The manager growled.  
"GLE-EEENN!!!!!"  
  


"Hello, welcome to Square Meals," smiled Riddel cheerfully. She looked absolutely ridiculous in her uniform, but she was still unquestionably beautiful. "May I take your order?"  
"Yes, I'll have the baked potato."  
"Would you like fries with that?" smiled Riddel. The customer looked at her strangely.  
"Why would I want fries with my potato?" he asked. Riddel shrugged.  
"I just thought you might."  
"But if I wanted fries, then I would have told you."  
"Oh. So do you want fries?" asked Riddel.  
"No!" shouted the customer. "I'm leaving!" And with that, he stormed off.  
"RIDD-DEEELLL!!!!" roared the manager. She sighed.  
  


"Welcome to Square Meals," said Steena, trying her best to smile. She was still stunning, but she looked like she had just crawled out of a Goodwill dumpster. "May I take your order?"  
"Yes, I'll have a cheeseburger," replied the customer.  
"That is one dollar, fifty cents. Would you care to add fries to that for only fifty cents?"  
"Why, sure!" smiled the customer.  
"You can add a drink to that for only forty cents more."  
"Sure," said the customer blankly.  
"Would you care to super-size your fries for only thirty cents more?"  
"I guess," shrugged the customer.  
"How about super-sizing your drink for twenty-five cents?"  
"Well, okay..." mumbled the customer.  
"You can also add an icy dessert for a dollar."  
"Go ahead," grumbled the customer.  
"Or you can just have the cheeseburger and save $2.45."  
"AAAAHHHH!!!!!" screamed the customer, storming out of the building. Steena sighed.  
"STEE-NAAAAA!!!!" roared the manager.  
  


"Wewcome to Sqwahe Meaws," squeaked Pip. "May I take youh owdeh?"  
"Awwww, he's so cute!!" gushed the customer's child. Pip smiled.  
"Thanks! But may I take youh owder?"  
"I wanna take him home, daddy!" squealed the child. The older man frowned.  
"We can't take him home, Stacy. He works here."  
"But daddy--"  
"Come on, honey," said the man in a tired voice. "Tell the nice... thing what you want."  
"I wanna take him home!" screamed the girl. The man looked around him nervously.  
"Ssh!" he hissed, but the girl only screamed more.  
"Do you want fwies with dat?" asked Pip. The man sighed and picked his daughter up off the floor. They both left the building, leaving Pip sitting on the counter.  
"PII-IIIIIP!!!" roared the manager.  
  


"Welcome to Square Meals!" smiled Riddel. "May I take your--DARIO!!!"  
"Lady Riddel!" Riddel hopped over the counter, flung her arms around her love, and gave him the most loving kiss she could think of. All the customers in the restaurant clapped as the two lovers were reunited.  
"Sir Dario!" exclaimed Steena. She grinned as the two broke their kiss.  
"Hello, Steena," grinned Dario. "What are you two doing here?" Riddel looked away in embarrassment.  
"Well, we couldn't pay our debts, and so..."  
"Brother!" Glenn appeared behind the counter, clasping his brother's hand.  
"Why if it isn't Glenn!" smiled Dario. "Are you in debt as well?"  
"Yes, I am," replied the knight sadly.  
"How much?" Glenn whispered the amount in his brother's ear. "WHAT!! That's not fair! I shall have to help you!"  
"HEY, you slackers!" roared the manager suddenly. He stomped in the room and caught sight of Riddel clinging onto Dario. "RIDD-DEL!!! Keep your hands off the customer! Steena, you've got a mess to clean up around the fries! Glenn, there are customers waiting! And Pip! I thought I told you to make me some more salads! HOP TO IT, YOU MAGGOTS!"  
"Umm, excuse me, sir," said Dario softly, "but these people are my friends. If it would be at all possible for me to help pay off their debt..."  
"Well..." grumbled the manager thoughtfully.  
  


Two hours later...  
  


"Welcome to Square Meals," grumbled Dario. "May I take your order?"  
"Fish sandwich," replied the customer.  
"Two sixty-seven," grumbled the knight. Riddel giggled and poked his side.  
"Dario, you're so sweet!" He looked at her impatiently.  
"This isn't what I had in mind."  
  


****

Adventures in Philadelphia, contention Trio: Eating Thunder and Crapping Lightning  
  


Greco was watching television on the bus while everyone was wandering around the city. He had soon grown bored of the sights and sounds, and wished to leave as soon as possible. Suddenly, an announcement came on the television.  
"Do you have boxing, wrestling, or martial arts experience?" asked the announcer. "Well if you do, then come on down to the Great Philadelphia Boxing Ring! Test your skills against the best boxers in the world! Our featured fighters are every single opponent from every single Rocky movie ever made! Come on down and show us your stuff!" The program flashed all the legal rules by, and gave the address before switching to another commercial. Greco shrugged to himself.  
"Why not?" he asked himself, and got out of the bus.  


As Greco entered the Great Philadelphia Boxing Ring, he was drowned in a clutter of hopeful contenders. The opponents fro the Rocky films were carefully watching the boxers fight, and knew that none of them stood a chance. Greco would have to plow his way through this intense competition if he hoped to have a shot at the title.  
  


The first boxing opponent that Greco had to beat was a partridge with Paul McCartney.  
  
The second boxing opponent that Greco had to beat was Duo Tuttledove and a partridge with Paul McCartney.  
  
The third boxing opponent that Greco had to beat was Alfred French Ben, Duo Tuttledove, and a partridge with Paul McCartney.  
  
The fourth boxing opponent that Greco had to beat was Fyor Mauling Perd, Alfred French Ben, Duo Tuttledove, and a partridge with Paul McCartney.  
  
The fifth boxing opponent that Greco had to beat was FIVE LOUSY BUMS! Fyor Mauling Perd, Alfred French Ben, Duo Tuttledove, and a partridge with Paul McCartney!  
  
(Later...)  
  
The twelfth boxing opponent that Greco had to beat was Elf Trummer Trumming, Evelyn Piper Kaiping, Ben Hordas Heeping, Hyne Madys Gancing, Grate Paysley Pilking, Sven Svanson Sviming, Seth Jeesaw Laving, FIVE LOUSY BUMS! Fyor Mauling Perd, Alfred French Ben, Duo Tuttledove, and a partridge with Paul McCartney!  
  


Greco rested in his locker room. He had beaten a total of twelve opponents, and would have the "distinct honor" of fighting against every Rocky opponent ever. But after fighting against twelve fighters, even the retired wrestler had to take a breather. Greco was 33 and certainly couldn't hope to get younger. His opponents were strong, fast, furious, and merciless, and it would take everything he had to beat them.  
  


Finally, the big night came: Greco vs. Apollo Creed. As Greco was summoned into the ring, he could hear his friends cheering for him. Even Riddel, Glenn, Steena, Pip, and Dario had managed to show up. But when Apollo Creed came in, his patriotic "George Washington/Uncle Sam clothes" on, the crowd went nuts.  
"I want you!" pointed Creed, waving an American flag at Greco and the audience. "I want you! I want you!"  
"Is he talking to me?" asked Greco. Burgess Meredith shrugged, and the bell sounded.  
  
DING!  
  


Greco lightly bounced in the ring, his Luchador outfit still on. Creed only had his star-spangled boxers on, and boxing gloves. Creed and Greco each started the match with a few jabs, but suddenly, Greco knocked Creed a hard one, flooring him momentarily.  
"Apollo Creed is down!" exclaimed the announcers. "Apollo Creed is down!" Creed shook himself and got back up, launching his own offense at the masked one. After a vicious beating, Greco went down and stayed for four counts before recovering. Another shot by Greco, two more by Creed, three from Greco, end of Round one. With chants of "Creed, Creed, Creed!" dying down and cheers of "Greco, Greco, Greco!" rising, the masked man knew that he was going the distance.  
  


Round 2... Round 6... Round 11... Round 14...  
  


It was the final round. Both Greco and Apollo looked like tenderized meat. Both were too exhausted to even see straight, let alone fight well. Both were nearly spent. Both stood to fight at the sound of the bell.  
Creed blazed forward like a hurricane, launching hit after hit on Greco's beaten frame. He continued fighting, hardly receiving any sort of retribution. But at the last second, Greco recovered and pummeled Creed with everything he had, nearly knocking him down to the floor. The bell suddenly sounded, press and spectators filling the arena with shouting. Greco could barely hold himself together as the media swarmed around him. As the referee declared Creed to be the winner, he shouted out only one thing.  
"ADRIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Talia Shire suddenly squeezed past the crowds, shouting at Greco.  
"Yes?" she said.  
"I want a rematch," replied Greco.  
"You got it!" roared Creed.  
  


Two days later...  
  


Greco punched Apollo a lot and won the rematch. The he had to face Mr. T in the ring and lost, but came back to win the rematch. Greco nearly suffered a DTKO at the hands of Russian Ivan Drago, but came back to knock the Communist's socks off. Finally, the hot-headed young upstart Tommy "Machine" Gunn fell down on the mat after only two minutes, leaving Greco the boxing champion of the entire Rocky universe. Unfortunately, he was soundly beaten by Sylvester Stallone, who even though he was facing a younger and stronger opponent, reached down deep inside his heart, managed to find the courage to call himself a true champion, and miraculously won the fight in an exciting finale. As always.  
  
  
  
And that was the end of the gang's trip to Philadelphia. Riddel reunited with Dario, and everyone who was employed at Square Meals managed to pay off their debts. However, Steena was still without a boyfriend, and Leena, Kid, and Harle were having relational problems of their own...


	14. Solving and Making Problems

****

PART FOURTEEN: SOLVING AND MAKING PROBLEMS  
  


"I love you, Dario," sighed Riddel, snuggling up with him.  
"And I love you, Lady Riddel," smiled Dario. Karsh gagged.  
"You two are hopeless. Utterly hopeless." Viper beamed with joy.  
"Riddel, I am glad that Dario is back with us. Are you planning to marry him anytime soon?"  
"Oh, yes daddy!" blushed Riddel. Dario chuckled and scratched his neck.  
"Yeah, well, only if I'm the best man!" pointed Karsh. Riddel nodded.  
"But of course! And Steena will be the maid of honor!" Steena's face reddened.  
"My services are yours, Lady Riddel," she said. Kid sighed.  
"Man, it just ain't the same havin' you as a brother, mate," she addressed. Serge shrugged. "Don't think I've gone loony on ya, but I... well, still have feelin's for ya." Serge swallowed and Janice winced.  
"Kid, babe, Serge's my boyfriend now, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it." Kid sighed.  
"Yeah, I know. Leena, Harle, Steena'n I hafta join the Lonely Hearts Club Band."  
"Oh, not me," giggled Leena. Kid turned around towards her, a puzzled look on her face. As the entire gang walked away from Philadelphia, Kid couldn't help but notice that Leena and Glenn were holding hands. She grinned slyly as she leaned her head on his shoulder.  
"Ahh, Leena ya shrew! Ya got yerself a right nice catch there!" she squealed. Glenn smiled.  
"Yes, well... Serge felt bad for the sudden break-up, and he wanted to do something for Leena, so... Well, I sort of... 'volunteered' for the job. No regrets now, though!" The knight smiled again, and Leena kissed his cheek. She winked at Serge, silently thanking him for hooking her up with Dario's brother.  
"Well, zey are 'appy at least," sighed Harle. Lucca gently clasped her hands over the jester's and tried to sympathize. "Non, it ees okay... Moi will just have to find a proper amour elsewhere." Lucca smiled sadly and gently kissed her friend's cheek.  
"Hey, if I can find someone, and if Leena can find someone, then you're obviously the next in line!" Steena coughed. "Oh, uh, sorry Steena." The priestess sighed.  
"Why don't you and Kid hook up, Harle?" asked a demented fanfiction writer. The two girls glared at him fiercely.  
"Because I'd rather have a stick in me eye!" growled Kid.  
"Becauze moi would razzer take an aceed bath!" shouted Harle. In a very rare moment of cooperation, the thief and the clown teamed up and slaughtered the evil author.  
"I think I'm in love," swooned Korcha. He grinned at Kid. She blushed.  
"O-oi, Korcha! Y-you wanna kick in the rear?" He scratched his head.  
"N-no comment," he muttered. Kid laughed and took his elbow into hers.  
"I s'pose you'll have ta do until I can find someone else of me own style!" He turned beet red, and Serge could've sworn that his sister's cheeks glowed a little more than usual.  
"Ah, amore!" sighed Harle sadly. She suddenly spied Van in a straitjacket, frothing and babbling madly. Instantly, thoughts of someone just as insane and maniacal as herself flooded her mind, and love overcame the cute jester. Happily the clown skipped over to the demented artist, cooing softly as he was being wheeled across the road by Radius.  
"Ooh la-la," she giggled, "vous are juzt as mad az moi!" Van glared over at Harle madly.  
"Hello, Clarice!" he whispered. Harle nearly swooned.  
"Ahhh, why ees it zat I alwayz fall for ze deranged uns?" Carefully, the clown took off Van's straitjacket and kissed his cheek.  
"H-Harle?" he quivered. She gazed at him innocently. "D-did you just kiss me?"  
"Oui."  
"But why?" She giggled.  
"Becauze moi becomes hopelessly inflamed whenever moi seez someone az demented az moi. And not to be rude, but vous fits ze bill quite nicely." Van grinned weakly, not knowing whether to be happy that he finally had an admirer, or horribly disturbed at Harle's offer. The clownish girl was several cards short of a full deck, to be certain, and Van never imagined ever having a girlfriend even half as deranged as Harle.  
"I, ah..." Suddenly, Harle's eyes widened lustfully as she shoved Van aside. Standing from a distance, watching the entire gang with a twisted glee, was Seifer Almasy.  
"Ooh la la," purred Harle, slinking over to Seifer. "Now '_ere_ eez a man zat makes even moi look tame and 'armless!" She giggled, and Seifer nearly screamed out in terror.  
"B-back off, you witch!" he roared, pointing Hyperion at her. "I-I'm not interested!"  
"Aww, haz so many yearz spent weeth Rinoa gotten you soft, mon ami?" giggled Harle. Seifer winced and slowly backed away from the maniacal jester. Van breathed a sigh of relief.  
"Seifer, I owe you one," he said. Almasy nearly went berserk himself.  
"G-get her off me!" he roared, trying to wriggle Harle away from him. But she was stuck; like a python constricts its prey before devouring them, so Harle was squeezing the life out of poor Seifer. To say he deserved this was almost an insult.  
"Do I hear wedding bells?" giggled Riddel, and Seifer screamed.  
"Oh man--get her off me! G-get her OFF!!!!"  
"Not a chance!" chuckled Lucca. "This is just too precious!"  
"The bus is here," said Radius suddenly. Everyone turned around to see a Greyhound bus wheel their way. The door opened, and Norris addressed the driver.  
"Where are you headed?" he asked.  
"New York City," replied the driver. Seeing that the vehicle was empty, Norris nodded his head and beckoned everyone to climb the bus, even Lynx, Lucca, Dario, and Seifer. Next stop: New York!


	15. THE BIGGEST ADVENTURE OF THEM ALL!

****

PART FIFTEEN: THE BIGGEST ADVENTURE OF THEM ALL!  
  


"What about me?" asked Steena. Everyone turned towards her.  
"That's right, you don't have a boyfriend yet," noted Leena. "Well, how about Doc? You two seemed to hit it off well in Vegas." Steena's calm face reddened slightly as she gazed at the surfer-turned-doctor. In all honesty, Doc was her complete opposite: hardly a warrior, not much education, hardly any eloquence in his words, surf-suffered, not too spiritual...  
"Whoa, you mean me?" asked Doc. He knew that Steena was his complete opposite: quiet, thoughtful, educated, spiritual, eloquent, reserved, battle-hardened, wise... Both Doc and Steena swallowed.  
"Dude," whispered Steena eerily.  
"Sweet," replied Doc. They smiled. Grobyc suffered another power loss.  
"Ach! Not again!" grumbled Luccia. She beckoned Lucca, Norris, and Starky over to help her fix the android, while Doc and Steena got acquainted.  
"Ah, amore," sighed Harle, squeezing Seifer's elbow. He groaned and wished that Mr. Owl was still here.  
  


****

Adventures in New York, Act I: On Broadway  
  


"Look, we're in New York!" exclaimed Mel. "COOL!"  
"COOL!" said Zoah.  
"Look everyone!" pointed Radius. "The Empire State Building!"  
"There's something on top of it," noted Viper, carefully peering upward. Everyone squinted as they saw a small figure bat at airplanes.  
"Whatever it is, it's falling off," noted Leena. She swallowed. "D-do you think it'll hit us, Glenny-poo?"  
"No," smiled Glenn. "Not in a million yea--"  
  


SPLAT!!!!  
  
  
  
"So much for the bus," noted Skelly sadly. "How many vehicles have we gone through in this road trip again?"  
"I lost count after Chicago," admitted Janice. Skelly sighed.  
"Then I guess we're hoofing it. Hey, isn't that a Broadway play?" Everyone looked in the direction he was pointing. Sure enough, the famed "West Side Story" was on production.  
"Ooh! Ooh! I wanna go see it!" squealed Mel. Macha laughed.  
"Sure, let's all go see it!" Everyone thought this was a good idea and left former Mayor Guiliani to clean up the mess that a certain gorilla made.  
  
  
  
"What!! What do you mean every single actor is home with the flu?!" The director of West Side Story grunted in irritation, still in disbelief. How in the world could every single actor in his play suddenly catch the flu? And right before the big night?! As he was moping about how to pull things off, he caught sight of some rather strange and questionable characters. Thinking he had nothing to lose, he called them over.  
"Excuse me! Yes, you all! Come here!" Everyone looked at each other in confusion.  
"Like, are you talking to us?" asked Marcy.  
"Yes, you there! What day is today?"  
"It's Christmas day, sir!" answered Seifer.  
"No! Today is the day you get to star in a Broadway play!"  
"Cool!" grinned Mel. The director sifted through the scripts. "Ooh! Ooh! Give Mel a part!"  
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." He found the script for Tony, the lead male, and handed it to Karsh. Karsh looked at it with a puzzled expression.  
"What in the world is this?" He saw the singing part of the script. "What?! I have to sing?! I'm not gonna sing in front of all my friends!"  
"Please?" begged the director. He made a whimpering sound. Karsh rolled his eyes.  
"Oh, all right."  
"You can sing, Karsh?" Janice giggled. The director handed her a script as well. "Huh? Hey! Who the heck is Anita?" Karsh started laughing. "Shut up or I'll knock your teeth in--Tony!" The next script went to Doc.  
"Dude, I get to play myself!"  
"Um, not really," the director said. "This guy's not a surfer."  
"Oh," he whispered with disappointment in his voice. "Zoinks..." He looked over his script. "At least I don't have to sing!" Karsh and Janice growled.  
"Now who gets to play Maria?" the director sang. He carefully pulled Luccia, Steena, and Orlha from the crowd and asked them to sing a few bars. Surprisingly enough, Luccia had a soft Treble, but she was too German. Steena and Orlha sang like nightingales. "I can't decide which one to choose!"  
"Why don't we settle this with Rock Paper Scissors?" suggested Orlha. Steena agreed. Orlha beat Steena two out of three times and won the part. Karsh's ears began burning when he spied a kissing scene in his script.  
"I have to WHAT?"  
"He has to WHAT?" shrieked Orlha.  
"Oh, don't be such babies! It'll be all right," soothed the director.  
"At least it's not a nude scene," hissed an evil fanfiction writer. Seifer hacked the vile creature in two. Harle swooned, hearts dancing in her eyes. The director walked up to him and handed him a script.  
"What's this? Bernardo?"  
"And lastly, I need a Riff."  
"Well, Dario's already Karsh's best friend," said Janice.  
"I'm desperate enough to believe you!" nodded the director. "Here's the script." He shoved it into Dario's hands. "Good luck! You're on in five minutes!" Karsh sighed and flipped through his script.  
"This is gonna be a long day."  
  


Dario had a big solo in the first part of the production. He and the other "Jets" did their dance without too much trouble. For their very first try, they all did remarkably well. Dario got a standing ovation after the _Jet Song_ was over. Karsh was a surprisingly good singer. Every girl in the audience swooned as he sang _Something's Coming_. In the audience, Mel and Marcy kept predicting that someone would mess up. Everything went pretty well until the inevitable kissing scene came up.  
  


The lights dimmed and "Tony" and "Maria" were hit by a spotlight. They slowly advanced towards each other. The music cued up for them to do their dance, but Karsh didn't move. He just sat there, bracing himself for the dreaded kiss that was to come after their dialogue. The crowd grew nervous; many of them had obviously seen the play before.  
"You're not thinking I'm someone else?" _Hoo boy. I'm going to have to kiss her soon._  
"I know you are not," replied Orlha with a good Spanish accent.  
"Then we've met before?" _Gag_!  
"I know we have not."  
"I knew... All day I had a feeling something wonderful was going to happen." _That sounds so cheesy. Who wrote this stupid script?_  
"My hands are cold!" cried Orlha, holding out her hands. He held them in his own. She smiled. "Yours too." She touched his cheek. "So warm..." He touched her cheek.  
"So beautiful..." _Yeah, whatever_.  
"Beautiful," repeated Orlha. _Here it comes...  
_"So much to believe. You're not joking with me, are you?" _They have got to be kidding!_  
"I have not yet learned how to joke that way. I know now I never will." Karsh readied himself for the theatrical kiss. He bent his head and felt her lips touch his. This barely lasted a second before Seifer broke them up. Karsh felt a little dizzy. Norris, who was ironically playing Maria's courtier Chino, glared at him.  
"Come on, Maria," Seifer was saying. Karsh stumbled away from the Jets. His head was swimming. He had to sing _Maria_, but he couldn't think straight.  
"Maria! I just met a girl named Maria! And suddenly that name will never be the same. Maria! I just kissed a girl named Orlha... I mean, Maria! Say it loud and you hear music playing! Say it soft, and it's almost like praying. Maria. I'll never stop saying 'Maria'!" Only Mel and Marcy noticed Karsh slipping up.  
"HE LIES!" bellowed Zoah. Karsh was feeling embarrassed and tried to think of a way to escape the stage for the moment.  
"I wish to see her again!" he cried, and raced off-stage before anyone could argue. The audience applauded, thinking this was part of the show.  
  


Janice had forgotten all her dance moves, so when it came time for her to perform _America_, she improvised like nobody's business. She knocked any girl that was within range to the ground. She made up for her bad dancing with her singing. Serge had hearts floating around his head the whole time she was onstage. She was supposed to kiss Seifer, but instead she punched him in the arm! The feminists in the audience--all three of them--cheered.  
"Girl power!" shouted Marcy.  


The "balcony" scene went a little better than Karsh and Orlha's first encounter. He was ready and willing to kiss her this time (what do you suppose that indicates?). Their duet brought the house to its feet. Karsh even kissed Orlha again just to spite Norris. The script is still corny, Karsh thought. He and Orlha said good night at least three times.  
"Kar... I mean, Tony!" He turned around again. "What does Tony stand for?"  
"Anton."  
"_Te adoro_, Anton."  
"_Te adoro_, Maria." _What did I just say?_  
  


The play grew progressively worse from there. Dario and the Jets couldn't stop laughing as they attempted to sing _Gee, Officer Krupke_. Dario was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Orlha acted a little too bubbly as she sang _I Feel Pretty_. Marcy wondered aloud if she had gotten into the brandy backstage. The scene where Tony and Maria "pretended" to get married was coming up. They were playing around with the mannequins for a while, then grew serious. Karsh couldn't stop shaking.  


"I Anton, take thee Maria..."  
"I Maria, take thee Anton..."  
"T-to love, and to cherish..." _Crap! I forgot my lines!_ Karsh thought. _Crap! I forgot my lines! _Orlha thought. From backstage, the director sensed that they forgot their lines. He groaned.  
"Just improvise, you dummies!" he hissed.  
"In sickness and in health..." Karsh's mind raced.  
"Um... from every... uh... star to ... uh... the moon..."  
"Til death do us part." That was the cue to start singing _One Hand, One Heart_. But Karsh couldn't remember the words and ran out screaming in a panic.  
"Forget it! I changed my mind! I don't wanna get married!" Orlha sighed.  
"Always a bride's maid, never a bride."  
  


Karsh's outburst made the rest of the actors more daring. They added in some of their own dialogue and didn't dance any longer. Disaster struck at the rumble scene. It was supposed to play out that Bernardo accidentally kills Riff and Tony kills Bernardo. But of course that wasn't what happened. Seifer forgot about faking it and punched Dario in the gut. The two of them started pummeling each other without any regard to the others. The others watching felt left out so they started punching each other too! The director rushed onto the stage.  
"Stop! This isn't how it's supposed to happen!"  
"EITHER FIGHT OR LEAVE!" shouted Zoah. The director chose to leave. Zoah started hitting all the people around him. Many members in the audience joined the brawl. Soon everyone in the theater was punching or kicking somebody. Even pacifists such as Riddel were bonking people left and right. Suddenly the opera house blew up.  
  


****

Adventures in New York, Act II: French and Naked Under that Toga  
  


After their escapades in the opera house, the gang decided to take it easy for awhile--theoretically speaking, of course. As everyone else busied themselves with other activities, Draggy decided to fly over to the Statue of Liberty.  
  


****

Adventures in New York, Act III: High Anxiety  
  


"Cool!" squealed Mel. "We're so high up!!" The rest of the gang was on the roof of the Empire State Building, looking down at the sprawling city before them. Suddenly, Orcha ran up the stairs.  
"No running up the stairs," said Viper.  
"Aw, shaddup!" shouted Macha. "WhatCHA want, Orcha?"  
"You guys!" wheezed the chef, exhausted from running. "The elevator's out of order!"  
  


__

Bum bum bummm!!  
  


****

Adventures in New York, Act IV: One More Fire  
  


The Statue of Liberty was very cool, but after a few seconds of exploring it, Draggy got bored. Suddenly, an evil idea entered his innocent little head. Using an advanced tool that brought inanimate objects to life, Draggy planned to revive the famed statue and wreak havoc on the city. He plugged the tool in, and instantly the statue came to life. Thousands of immigrants screamed as Lady Liberty waded through the waters of Ellis Island and headed towards New York City.  
**  
**

Adventures in New York, Act V: COWABUNGA!  
  


"ARE YOU SURE THIS IS GOING TO WORK, DOC?" asked Zoah. He peered down the edge of the Empire State Building nervously.  
"Sure thing, dude! All we have to do is get on our boards and the rest is easy!" Without any further ado, somebody began playing "Wipeout!", and the entire gang surfed down the Empire State Building.  
  


(interlude to imagine how this plays out)  
**  
**

Adventures in New York, Act VI: When two titans come to life and collide in an action-packed battle that destroys everything we have worked so hard to make  
  


As the animated Statue of Liberty lumbered through the city, millions of New Yorkers ran away, screaming in horror. Cars were crushed under her feet and buildings were smashed in. Suddenly, the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man entered the scene, grinning like a child. Oblivious to the pandemonium around him, "Puffy" knocked down buildings and smashed civilians like a delicious B-movie creature. Lady Liberty saw Puffy destroying the city, and became green (well, greener) with envy.  
"Nobody destroys America on my watch!" she roared. Puffy glanced over at her and roared like a spoiled brat. Stay-Puffed pounded his white chest, screeching nonsensically as he accepted the Statue of Liberty's offer.  
The two monsters charged at each other, grabbing the other's shoulders in a deadly lock. Suddenly, Lady Liberty broke the lock and bashed in the Marshmallow Man's head. He growled fiercely, swinging his bloated arms around like a top, smashing them into the statue. But Lady Liberty wouldn't give up then. With a quick thrust, she rammed her spiky crown forward, puncturing Puffy like the bloated blob he was.  
"Ow ow ow!" exclaimed Puffy. "You make me mad! Now me make you hurt!" And with that, the gigantic white one skipped across town, singing "Meee eat you uuu-uup! Meee eat you uuu-uup!" And from the looks of the Marshmallow Man's belly, he looked very serious.  
  


****

Adventures in New York, Act VII: Dr. Kadowaki, or, How I learned to stop worrying and love the SeeD  
  


Poor Seifer was still being clutched by Harle. The maniacal jester was completely smitten with the SeeD failure, and like a python, would never let go of the boy. If this had been any other woman--ANY woman, even Quistis, even Selphie, even Yuffie for Pete's sake, Seifer would have been happy. But Harle?  
True, she was very cute, and her French accent was even cuter, but she had long ago been declared legally insane by every government and official in the entire universe. If Seifer could find a way to get her off his back (literally), to kill her, or to even kill himself, he would do it--anything to relieve the agony.  
Suddenly, he got an idea. Seeing the Statue of Liberty and the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man fighting on the streets below, an ingenious plot found its way into Seifer's head. On the roof of the Empire State Building was a very large bomb. How it got there was a mystery, but Seifer knew that this would be the only way to get rid of Harle--and maybe make him look like a hero in the end.  
"Harle," he said sweetly, "I'll give you a big kiss if you let go of me for a few seconds." Naturally, this excited (Hu-hu, they said "excited") her.  
"Ah lala, of course moi weel let go of vous! Ah, moi haz been waiteeng for zees ever seence moi saw vous!" Seifer smiled bitterly as the thought of touching this demon's mouth with any body part, especially his lips, sickened him greatly. But it was worth it--Seifer would have given her a foot massage if it meant getting her away. Slowly, trying not to grimace, he approached Harle.  
"Non non non," giggled Harle, wagging her finger. "Vous must geev moi a Françoise kees."  
"Huh?" The jester giggled and blushed.  
"Let us juzt say zat vous weel be studying a new tongue."  
"Oh, you've got to be out of your--"  
"No tongue, no kees, and moi will hold onto you forever," sang Harle darkly. Seifer scowled darkly, quickly pressed his mouth to hers, and cringed painfully as her snakelike tongue touched up against his.  


But the most disturbing part about that?  
  
Seifer almost liked it.  
  
Almost.  
  
"Jeez, now leggo!!" he screamed, flinging the flustered jester off. Her face was radish-red and her eyes twinkled in amazement.  
"Sacre bleau, mon chere, vous kees like a fireball!" She grinned innocently at him, eyes fluttering lustfully. Seifer could only scowl.  
"Thank you," he muttered before storming off towards the bomb. With a shove, he pushed it off of the building, and leaped onto the explosive at the last second.  
"WAIT, mon chere!! Don't do eet!!" screamed Harle. But it was too late.  
"YEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAWWWWW!!!!" hollered Seifer, yelling his lungs out as he rode the bomb. "WHOOOOOOOOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
**BOOM**!  
  


"Aah," sighed Draggy, getting marshmallow goo all over him. "I think we've been slimed."  
**  
**

Adventures in New York, Act VII: Some Rather Unlikely Things  
  


Rarely did the Chrono Cross gang ever get a vacation, but when they visited the beaches of New York, how could they refuse?  
  
The Marshmallow Man had been eaten, Draggy returned the Statue, everyone made it off the Empire State Building safely (except for Seifer, who was nothing more than a crispy critter by now), and West Side Story won a "Tony" (badoom-chi!). Now, it was time for the gang to actually rest and relax from their adventures, and what better place to go than a beach, where people could strut around in their underwear and not get criticized for it?  
  
And for some of the gang, that's exactly what they did.  
  


Serge and Janice were quietly resting beneath some umbrellas, each getting their respective tans. Serge wore banal blue boxers and a simple blue shirt, despite several girl's protests. Janice shamelessly flaunted her cute bunny body with a light-blue bikini. Surfer dudes of New York beach swooned over the cute little bunnies embroidered in the fabric, but Janice's heart belonged to Serge and Randolph Scott.  
  
Chorus: RANDOLPH SCOTT!!  
  
Most of the gang came as they were. Naturally, Zoah didn't need to change into anything, and neither did Korcha. Fargo was used to swimming in the water with his clothes on, and Skelly didn't need covering of any kind. Irenes felt right at home, Mel shed her jacket, Doc just plain surfed, Miki needed only remove her leggings, gloved, trusses, and skirt, Turnip, Starky, and NeoFio frolicked about, and nearly everyone else, unless otherwise noted, just sat around making a giant sand-castle.  
"I don't have a girlfriend!" barked Guile. He had violet-white boxers. Some of the women at the beach (none of the CC gang) were giving him looks.  
"Me neither!" shouted Nikki, with red-and-black boxers. "It's such a cruel world!"  
"Hi, Nikki!" sang Miki lovingly. She kissed him on the cheek.  
"It's not such a cruel world after all!" He took Miki's bare arm and swam with her.  
"I still don't have a girlfriend," said Guile roughly. He shrugged and got wasted again in Margaritaville.  
"Come on!" Steena smiled wickedly, staring at Karsh hard. Her relationship with Doc ended abruptly when she discovered a brain in his handbag.  
"No," replied the dragoon curtly, making sure she had heard the short word.  
"Pleeeease?" she squealed, almost begging. Karsh's ears burned.  
"I ain't gonna show it to ya!" he growled. Steena smiled.  
"I will show you mine," she sang. Karsh swallowed. Steena was the second- most beautiful woman he had ever known, aside from Lady Riddel. If she showed him her swimsuit...  
"I-I don't wanna see it," he lied. Steena smiled mischievously and slowly stripped (Hu-hu, they said "stripped") her shrine maiden outfit off, revealing a simple white tank top and boxers. However, once she let her hair down, Steena could have been wearing a janitor uniform and she would have been gorgeous. Karsh nearly lost it as her stomach-length hair cascaded down her body, barely tickling her boxers.  
Suddenly, for some strange reason, nearly all the men at the beach (and at least one woman) dashed towards the bathrooms. Karsh needed to go to, but he was too paralyzed to move. Unconsciously, he removed his dragoon uniform, revealing a super-hot pair of black boxers with flames embroidered on them. The words "Dragoons Forever" were etched along the waist.  
Suddenly, for some strange reason, nearly all the women at the beach (and at least one man) dashed towards the bathrooms. Karsh needed to go to, but he was too embarrassed to move.  
"Oh, wow," whispered Steena. She grinned and winked. "Race you to the ocean!" she giggled (I know what you're thinking: Steena giggling? Hey, that's nothing compared to what else has happened in this road trip!).  
"H-hey!" yelled Karsh, finding himself chasing after her. See what I mean?  
  


Leena and Glenn were an extra-cute couple in their dark-blue one-piece and brown boxers, respectively. Even though they were a couple, the men and women couldn't help but swoon or smile as they saw the two attractive people walk by. The same story was with Norris and Orlha.  
"Girls always get guys when they're with someone," slurred Guile. He had downed his fifth Tequila, and was still holding his own. "Same fer girls too. An' girls."  


Dario and Riddel were a very adorable couple--  
  
"Shaddap!" grunted Guile in a drunken stupor. "I don' wanna hear 'bout it!" Okay, fine!  
  


"C'mon, mom!" Kid smiled innocently, her red-white-and-gold bikini inflaming many of the males present. She leaned over slightly, her bottom just barely protruding out as she smiled at her mother. "Don't be such a stick in the mud! Come play with us!"  
"Honey, I'm not too sure about that," mumbled Lucca nervously. "You see, your father can't stand the water, and he gets warm so easily, and Serge doesn't look like he wants to be disturbed--"  
"Bully that!" snorted Kid, crossing her arms. "Just step on out here'n show everyone 'ow pretty ya are! Come on!" And with that, the thief yanked on her mother's arm, pulling the reluctant scientist along with her.  
"But I'm not very attractive," murmured Lucca softly. "I'd only embarrass myself."  
"Ah, no one'll care!" snorted Kid. "Sides', I think yer pretty, and I'm sure that Serge and Lynx--erm..." She paused and swallowed hard. Kid still bore scars from her past, and although she had no problem addressing Lucca or even Serge as family, Lynx was different. She smiled. "I'm sure they think yer pretty too."  
Lucca smiled warmly at her daughter's attempts, sighed, and reluctantly removed her brownish-orange clothes she usually wore. What she wore underneath them shocked everybody: her purple hair waving in the breeze, her naked (Hu-hu, they said "naked") eyes glowing joyfully, her smile evident even now, Lucca Ashtear stunned everyone with her one-piece red swimsuit. Everyone--men and women alike--stared at the surprisingly gorgeous scientist, although the men were staring for a different reason. Even Serge couldn't help but gape.  
"Dude!" exclaimed Doc suddenly, slapping Serge on his shoulder. "She's your mom!" Serge shook his head, smiled down weakly at a fuming Janice, and sat back down without saying a word (what else is new?).  
"Struth!" exclaimed Kid, her eyes the size of plates. "Mom, yer a... whoa, yer a..."  
"A knockout, as always," growled Lynx gently. Lucca's face turned as red as her swimsuit as she kissed the demi-human. She giggled uncontrollably, still unable to stop being ticklish at the touch of her love's face. Kid, despite loving her "new" mother very much, still found it hard to accept that she was madly in love with her mortal enemy.  
"And how about you, Luccia?" asked Lynx. The "other" scientist sniffed coldly.  
"I vill not put my body on exhibition," she replied. Both Lucca and Kid smiled at her expectantly, almost as if saying "Join us! Join us!" Finally the scientist grunted, muttered an "Oh, all right," and unbuttoned her lab coat. Off went the long white skirt, off went the vests and shirts underneath, off went the men to the bathroom again as Luccia let down her violet hair, revealing a beautiful woman in a black bikini.  
"Whoa," whispered Dario. He swallowed. "Who would have guessed that Luccia was such a baaaaaiiiimean, so pretty?" He grinned sheepishly at Riddel, who only glared back icily.  
"And I suppose I am not as pretty?" she demanded. Dario sighed.  
"Don't be like that, Lady Riddel. You're the most beautiful one here."  
"Not anymore," grinned Lynx, nudging his love. Lucca giggled.  
"Yeah, it's hard being so beautiful... Hey, how's Seifer, Harle?" The gang focused their attention towards Harle, who had dressed as she was. She was hovering over a very burnt Seifer, who was wrapped up with enough bandages to mummify him. Fittingly enough, his mouth and eyes had been spared the bomb blast.  
"Resting well, mon suere," replied Harle. She gently kissed Seifer's lips, receiving a muffled cry of torture in return. Harle sighed. "Ahhh, Harle Almasy... Eet haz a ring to it, non?"  
"No!" wheezed Seifer weakly. Harle chuckled and nearly suffocated Seifer with another kiss. "Help!" he whispered once his lips were freed. "Heelllp! I'd rather have _Squall_ than this freak!"  
"Ooh," swooned Harle, "'aving deux men around soundz much better zan un." The gang laughed. Suddenly, Jaws lurched forward and crunched his... well, jaws around a random person.  
"Oh my gosh, he killed Aeris!" shrieked Cloud.  
"You monsters!" screamed Vincent.  
"What's wrong, children?" asked Chef--erm, Barret.  
"Some fat-?@#$^ shark came and ate Aeris!" cursed Cid.  
"Oh, dear!" gasped Chef--erm, Barret. "We've got to do something! Here, I'll go in the ladies' room--erm, I mean, the bar, while you children comb the beach."  
  
  
  
"Sir?" asked Colonel Sandurz.  
"WHAT?" replied Cid through his microphone. Sandurz looked down at Vincent and Cloud running giant combs through the sand.  
"Don't you think you're being too literal, sir?"  
"NO, YOU FOOL, WE WERE TOLD TO COMB THE DESERT AND WE'RE COMBING IT," replied Cid through the megaphone. He put it down and shouted, "Found anything yet?!"  
"Nothing yet, sir!" said Vincent.  
"How about you!?" yelled Cid.  
"Not a thing, sir!" said Cloud.  
"What about you guys?" shouted Cid to a group of guys dragging a small comb.  
"We ain't found shi--"  
  


KA-BOOM!  
**  
**

Adventures in New York, Act VIII: The Extremely Unnecessary Yet Perversely Entertaining Ultimate Battle Royal!  
  


__

Meanwhile, in the lair of Dr. Weird on the south Jersey shore...  
  


"At last, I have done it!" exclaimed Dr. Weird. "I have finally opened a portal to another world!" But as he spoke, the portal became unstable.  
"The portal's becoming unstable!" shouted his lackey.  
"I know, you fool! But at least I opened a portal to another world!" Suddenly, several being emerged from the portal, ran amuck for about five seconds, and escaped from the lair.  
"Wait!" shouted Dr. Weird. "Come back!!" Suddenly, his hair burst into flames.  
  


__

Meanwhile, back in New York...  
  


"Okay you two, stop making out," said Guile. Serge and Janice stopped; Lynx and Lucca stopped; Norris and Orlha stopped; Nikki and Miki stopped; Riddel and Dario stopped; Karsh and Steena--huh? Nah! Luccia and Doc--huh? No way! Glenn and Leena stopped; even Harle stopped. Guile sighed.  
"I'm gonna be sick," he slurred.  
"Well, you did just drink fifteen Tequilas," said Orlha. Suddenly, a dark cloud hovered over the hero's heads. And no, Mr. Strife did not fall in a tub of paint.  
"It's an evil force!" roared Greco. Suddenly, in a violent burst of wind, the sand castle blew away and landed on Aeris.  
"My sand castle!!!!!" screamed Van. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"  
"Oh my gosh, they killed Aeris!" shouted Cloud.  
"You monsters!" screamed Vincent. Just then, the evil force that Dr. Weird helped "discover" appeared, smiling evilly.  
"Look everyone!" pointed Mel. "It's us! It's the Bizarro Chrono Cross gang!!"  
  


And then the greatest, bestest, funniest, and violentest battle began...  
  


Serge vs. Bizarro Serge; Janice vs. Bizarro Janice  
  
Janice: Full House! (everyone groans)  


Bizarro Janice (meekly): I hate that show...  
  
Janice: Looks like I win, ha ha! (rakes in the chips)  
  
Bizarro Serge: I'm tired of playing poker. Janice, you're such a foolish girl! Why on earth would you insist upon playing poker? Nobody knows how to play except you, and it's neither fair nor fun if everybody keeps losing! Let's play a game where there are no winners and no losers. In fact, I have even come up with a suggestion for a new game right now: it's called "Truth or Dare", and we each take turns asking people to either do a dare or tell the truth. It's a very fun game but sometimes it can get a little bit kinky. So do you guys wanna play, or should be just explore New York City, because I personally don't care. I've never been to New York and I'd like to see more of it. Speaking of which, did you know that they're rebuilding the--URK! (Serge rams his swallow through Bizarro Serge)  
  
Janice: THANK you! Gee whiz, that Bizarro Serge sure did talk a lot!  
  
Bizarro Janice (meekly): Y-yes. A-anyw-way, sh-should we p-play the g-game?  
  
Janice: I guess. Umm, Bizarro Serge! Truth or Dare!  
  
Bizarro Serge: D-dare...  
  
Janice: I dare you to die!  
  
Bizarro Serge: That's... not... going... to be... hard... ugghnn... (dies)  
  
Janice: Cool! Bizarro Me, your turn!  
  
Bizarro Janice (nervously): U-umm, S-Serge. T-truth or d-dare?  
  
Serge: ......  
  
Bizarro Janice: T-truth it is. A-are you, umm... Uh...  
  
Janice: (whispering in her ear)  
  
Bizarro Janice: A-are you g-gonna m-marry Janice?  
  
Serge: (shrugs)  
  
Janice: WHAT?! You'd better say yes, muffin!! (Serge grins helplessly and hastily nods yes) Woo-hoo! All right! Okay Sergey, your turn!  
  
Serge: ......  
  
Janice: DARE!  
  
Serge: ...  
  
Janice: Sure, why not? I've always wondered what it'd be like to do that. (she suddenly bonks her carrot on Bizarro Janice's head and kills her) Oops... heehee.  
  
Serge: (is a little angry)  
  
Janice: Aww, don't be mad, Sergie-poo! I'd rather kiss you any day! (she smiles and they kiss)  
  
(And for your information, he asked her to kiss Bizarro Serge!)  
  
  
  
Guile vs. Bizarro Guile  
  
Guile: I don't have a girlfriend!  
  
Bizarro Guile: I have too many girlfriends!  
  
Guile (shrieking): DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! (he casts WandaIn and a magic wand impales Bizarro Guile)  
  
  
  
Nikki vs. Bizarro Nikki; Miki vs. Bizarro Miki; Glenn vs. Bizarro Glenn  
  
Nikki: Hey! There are four of us now! Let's have a rock concert!  
  
Miki: Right on! (the Magical Dreamers put on a rock concert. Bizarro Nikki, Bizarro Mikki, and Bizarro Glenn are trampled by fans)  
  
  
  
Riddel vs. Bizarro Riddel; Karsh vs. Bizarro Karsh  
  
Riddel gazed fearfully as Bizarro Riddel glared at her. Revving her bike up to maximum power, Bizarro Riddel tore off after her "goody two-shoes" version, ramming her rod into Riddel's stomach like a jouster. The blow knocked the good woman down, and a good thing too--Bizarro Riddel almost ran over her counterpart.  
"Lady Riddel!" exclaimed Karsh, killing Bizarro Karsh. "I'll save you!" he shouted, dashing off towards the defeated lady. He helped her stand, making sure that any injuries she had were healed.  
"You monster!" he screamed, brandishing his axe. Suddenly, Bizarro Riddel, aka Biker Riddel, took off her helmet and stared into Karsh's eyes. Suddenly, Karsh got a light feeling in his head, as "I Only Have Eyes for You" began playing. Bizarro Riddel swallowed and smiled warmly.  
"What up, Karsh?" she purred. Karsh swallowed.  
"Miss Riddel... you, ah... look good," he managed. Biker Riddel leaped off her mount and strutted over to the gaping knight, glancing at him from head to toe. She wore skintight black leather shorts that barely went down to her midthighs, with a black leather jacket over a red shirt. Two black platform shoes covered her feet and lower legs. Nearly every part of her face had either a piercing or a tattoo, and her beautiful blue hair was cut very short.  
I think I'm in love, thought Karsh as Bizarro Riddel grabbed his arm gently. Riddel couldn't help but giggle.  
"Ahh, young love. Although it is strange to see Karsh with me!"  
"Oh, shut up and let them be!" demanded the narrator. Riddel's face flushed as she excused her actions.  
  
  
  
Razzly vs. Bizarro Razzly  
  
Razzly blasted Bizarro Razzly with magic and she died.  
  
  
  
Norris vs. Bizarro Norris  
  
The dusty air grew thick as leather. Eleven fifty. She had asked him not to go. She had begged him, don't go, you might get killed, please. I love you. Tears. He saw tears. Tears in a dusty world, tears in a dry, thirsty, hot world, where the wind burned as hot as the sun that beat down. Tears. They had evaporated in the heat of the day, and time for mourning was over. He had to go through with this; he had to face this man, or else die trying.  
  
Odds were, he'd die. Eleven fifty-one.  
  
_I love you_, she said. I love you, and the tears came after that. _I love you_. They had been whispered, whispered by a woman who was crying. They had never been uttered that way before; at least he didn't think so. _I love you_. Why? He was a soldier, her a barmaid. A barmaid, working in a remote island village that very few people on the mainland heard of. A little tiny bar that only a few people visited, although the food and drinks were always good. A little bar, with a beautiful barmaid, and she said I Love You to a soldier.  
  
Eleven fifty-two. Eight minutes of life left to go.  
  
Ten minutes of life, but only one split second of victory. That's what she said before he left--after I love you, after the tears, even after good- bye. Only one split second of victory. Is it worth it? Is it worth your death? Or his? Must you kill him? Must you face him? Must you go through with this?  
  
Seven minutes of life left to go. The answer was Yes.  
  
His fingers twitched, carefully brushing up against the tip of his gun. Not yet, my friend. Not yet. We still have seven minutes of life left to go. No, wait--six now. It's fast, the clock. Too fast. Fast like life--six minutes of life goes by very fast. So very fast. But it's not time yet. He brushed his finger against his gun again. Not time yet...  
  
Eleven fifty-five. That clock was fast, or maybe it was slow, or maybe it was right on time. Anxiety hurried time; he was anxious. In five minutes, one of the two men would die--or both, perhaps, and she would be lonely. Well, not lonely; she had lots of friends. She'd just be... lonely. She said she loved him. Five minutes left. Maybe he loved her too. Maybe.  
  
Eleven fifty-six. The first time he saw her was in that tiny bar--that beautiful bar in a beautiful village with a beautiful keeper. Drinks were beautiful, food was beautiful, she was beautiful, everything was beautiful with her around. He knew she smiled whenever he entered the bar--she smiled whenever anyone went in. That just came naturally. She was a smiler. But he also knew that that smile extended just a little more for him, and the eyes looked a little longer, and the speech was a little more refined whenever they spoke.  
  
He was a diamond in the rough: opposing the military sometimes, speaking out against some actions, protecting the ones that came before him, everything. Three minutes. Diamond in the rough. What was she? A sapphire-- definitely a sapphire in the rough. Diamonds and sapphires--sparkling jewels, and the heat rose, and the wind picked up, and the sun was always merciless, and the hand of the clock moved one more time.  
  
Two minutes of life.  
  
She kissed him before--twice. Once at the tournament, once at the hotel. Both were caused by great victory; both were big and bold and too fast. Only twice. She had been kissed before: those other times were just an act, just a silly little thing they did. Just an act. Only twice, and he didn't know how many other times she had been kissed herself.  
  
He might have loved her. One minute. Might have. She had a thing for him long before this trip began, perhaps maybe long before they even knew each other. FATE was gone and maybe Fate never died at all. Only one minute. Sixty seconds. He could hold his breath that long. Half a minute. He could stand on his hands that long. Twenty--the time it took for him to load his gun. Ten--a long breath. Five, four, three...  
  
I love you.  
  
High noon.  
  
Two shots. One death.  
  
He calmly walked past the other dead man--himself, in many ways. He calmly walked past him, noticing the clock was at twelve. He had escaped death again, and he swore that if he ever got the chance, he would tell her that he loved her too.  
  
  
  
Starky vs. Bizarro Starky  
  
Starky did the exact same thing as Norris, except Orlha didn't love him. Poor Starky.  
  
  
  
Mel vs. Bizarro Mel  
  
Mel screamed too loud and killed Bizarro Mel.  
  
  
  
Leah vs. Bizarro Leah  
  
Leah threw her axe at Bizarro Leah and did the Funky Chicken for a victory dance.  
  
  
  
Radius vs. Bizarro Radius; Leena vs. Bizarro Leena  
  
Bizarro Radius: Come here, my little chickadee!  
  
Leena: AAAH!!! Get away, you dirty old man!  
  
Bizarro Leena: Come here, you cute thing you!  
  
Leena: AAAH!!! Get away, you pervert!  
  
Radius: Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas! (suddenly, Mulla Omar and Saddam Hussein fly overhead in their B-52 bombers and blow up Bizarro Radius and Bizarro Leena)  
  
Leena: Thank you, Mr. Terrorists!  
  
Omar and Hussein: S'all right!  
  
  
  
Kid vs. Bizarro Kid  
  
Kid: Oi! Who're you?  
  
Bizarro Kid: Oi! Who're you?  
  
Kid: I'm askin' the questions around here, mate!  
  
Bizarro Kid: I'm askin' the questions around here, mate!  
  
Kid: I ain't yer mate!  
  
Bizarro Kid: I ain't yer mate!  
  
Kid: Shaddap or I'll killya!  
  
Bizarro Kid: Shaddap or I'll killya!  
  
Kid: That's it!! (rips through Bizarro Kid with her dagger)  
  
Bizarro Kid: That's it!! (dies)  
  
  
  
Marcy vs. Bizarro Marcy  
  
Marcy and Bizarro Marcy got in a "witch"-slapping contest, and Marcy won.  
  
  
  
Zoah vs. Bizarro Zoah  
  
ZOAH AND bizarro zoah GOT DRUNK AND HAD A GOOD TIME, BUT bizarro zoah FELL INTO AN OPEN SEWER AND DIED.  
  
  
  
Luccia vs. Bizarro Luccia; NeoFio vs. Bizarro NeoFio; Pip vs. Bizarro Pip  
  
Bizarro Luccia: I summon my Ninja Bicycle Fish! (Ninja Bicycle Fish enter)  
  
Luccia: I summon NeoFio! (NeoFio enters. They have a fight, NeoFio kills Bizarro NeoFio)  
  
Bizarro Luccia: Drat! I summon Cyborg Police Children! (Cyborg Police Children enter)  
  
Luccia: I summon Pip! (Pip enters and is too cute for his own good, so Bizarro Pip dies)  
  
Bizarro Luccia: Drat! Out of ammo!  
  
Luccia: Me too!  
  
Bizarro Luccia: Den I vill use my beguiling charms to lure away all of your boyfriends and make dem my slaves! (she strips down to a kinky-looking S&M outfit and laughs maniacally)  
  
Luccia: MY BOYFRIENDS!! DIE, YOU VITCH!!! (she throws a beaker of acid at Bizarro Luccia)  
  
Bizarro Luccia: Oh no, I'm melting! Noo, noo, vat a vorld... (Luccia is surrounded by love-stricken men as she is named Sexiest Single Scientist of the Year)  
  
  
  
Poshul vs. Bizarro Poshul; Skelly vs. Bizarro Skelly  
  
Poshul and Bizarro Poshul were relaxing at Ellis Island Bay, when all of a sudden, Skelly rushed forward and pushed Bizarro Poshul in the water.  
"IIIIIII caaaaaaaaan't swiiiiiiiiiiimmmm..." shouted Bizarro Poshul.  
"Thank you, Skelly!" yipped Poshul. "I are in your debt!"  
"Please eat Bizarro Skelly!" asked Skelly. Poshul scratched her ears.  
"Of courthe!" Poshul bit Bizarro Skelly and buried him.  
  
  
  
Funguy vs. Bizarro Funguy; Orcha vs. Bizarro Orcha; Turnip vs. Bizarro Turnip  
  
Funguy: Hello Orcha. What're you doing?  
  
Orcha: Stay out of the kitchen! (he feeds Bizarro Orcha some bad sherbet)  
  
Bizarro Orcha: Oooooh, the sherbet! The sherbet's bad! Bad sherbet! (he dies)  
  
Turnip: Greetings, Orcha! What art thou doing?  
  
Orcha: Stay out of the kitchen! (he cooks and eats Bizarro Turnip and Bizarro Funguy)  
  
  
  
Orlha vs. Bizarro Orlha; Doc vs. Bizarro Doc  
  
Orlha: What is it, Bizarro Orlha?  
  
Bizarro Orlha: *sigh* I'm in love with you.  
  
Orlha: Oh, okay. (she kills Bizarro Orlha) I'm hungry.  
  
Doc: What's up, dude?  
  
Bizarro Doc: *sigh* I'm in love with you.  
  
Doc: Oh, okay. (he kills Bizarro Doc) I'm hungry, dude!  
  
  
  
Mojo vs. Bizarro Mojo; Draggy vs. Bizarro Draggy  
  
Draggy burned Bizarro Draggy and he died. Mojo burned Bizarro Mojo and he died.  
  
  
  
General Viper vs. Bizarro General Viper  
  
General Viper and Bizarro General Viper were dueling atop the Empire State Building. Viper flung his sword but BGV blocked it; BGV slashed with his sword but GV blocked it; GV sliced with his sword but BGV blocked it; BGV hacked with his sword but GV blocked it; GV cleaved with his sword but BGV blocked it; BGV slammed with his sword but GV blocked it; GV pushed BGV off the building and he went splat.  
  
  
  
Zappa vs. Bizarro Zappa  
  
Ach! Zappa played 'is pipes too loud an' blew up Bizarro Zappa! Scotland forever!  
  
  
  
Macha vs. Bizarro Macha  
  
("Goldfinger" plays as Macha enters with a bowler hat on her head. She flings it at Bizarro Macha, a'la Oddjob, and decapitates her. She quietly retrieves her hat and walks away.)  
  
  
  
Harle vs. Bizarro Harle; Seifer vs. Bizarro Seifer  
  
Harle was giggling uncontrollably, and thus, was unable to do battle against her opposite.  
"Ah, yer a fahne-lookin' man, Sahfer," sighed Bizarro Harle. Seifer smiled warmly.  
"And you're the sweetest woman I know of, Bizarro Harle." She giggled warmly. He smiled, and for the longest moment, all they had were smiles. They leaned in closer, smiling, Bizarro Harle purring...  
  


Dying...  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"Jeez, Seifer!" exclaimed Bizarro Seifer. "I just killed her." Seifer looked down at the woman he loved, at the Bizarro Hyperion protruding out from her stomach. At the blood...  
"You killed Bizarro Harle!" he screamed.  
"Ah'm not dead," she said.  
"You're not?" She shook her head, the gunblade still protruding out.  
"Oh. Well, you mortally wounded Bizarro Harle!"  
"Ah'm getting' better," she said. Harle giggled some more.  
"Hey," said Bizarro Seifer, "I think I know of a way we can settle things..."  
  


__

Later...  
  


"Ooh la-la, Monsieur Bizarro Seifer! Vous are so sexzy!" Bizarro Seifer grinned.  
"And you're the cutest little thing I've ever seen!" They smiled and got mushy.  
"You can be nahce when you wanna," sighed Bizarro Harle in her country accent.  
"Yeah, and you can be sane when you want to," smiled Seifer. They smiled and got mushy.  
  


Now wasn't that CUTE!?  
  
  
  
Greco vs. Bizarro Greco  
  
Greco punched Bizarro Greco in the face!!  
  
  
  
Grobyc vs. Bizarro Grobyc  
  
Because of the mushiness of Seifer and Bizarro Harle, and Bizarro Seifer and Harle, Grobyc was able to short-circuit Bizarro Grobyc by forcing him to hang around the couples.  
  
  
  
Dario vs. Bizarro Dario  
  
Dario killed Bizarro Dario. That's it!!  
  
  
  
Pierre vs. Bizarro Pierre; Sprigg vs. Bizarro Sprigg; Van vs. Bizarro Van; Irenes vs. Bizarro Irenes  
  
(happy-go-lucky music cues up as our heroes sing)  
  
Pierre: I am so pretty!  
  
Sprigg: I am so drunk!  
  
Van: I am so sane!  
  
Irenes: I am so talented! (suddenly, an evil aura arises as several dark figures enter the scene. Evil music plays)  
  
Bizarro Pierre: I am so vile!  
  
Bizarro Sprigg: I am so nasty!  
  
Bizarro Van: I am so mean!  
  
Bizarro Irenes: I am so detestable! (evil music plays still)  
  
Pierre: I am so frightened!  
  
Sprigg: I am so scared!  
  
Van: I am so craven!  
  
Irenes: I am so afraid! (the Bizarros advance)  
  
Bizarro Pierre: I'll cut you to ribbons!  
  
Bizarro Sprigg: I'll smash you to bits!  
  
Bizarro Van: I'll rip you apart!  
  
Bizarro Irenes: I'll beat you to a bloody pulp! (suddenly, heroic music plays)  
  
Pierre: But I will be victorious! (he cuts Bizarro Pierre)  
  
Sprigg: And I shall be a champion! (she knocks Bizarro Sprigg stupid)  
  
Van: And I will be the winner! (he bashes a giant piggybank on his foe)  
  
Irenes: And I shall defeat every foe that I see! (she slaps Bizarro Irenes with a whale)  
  
(Big finish!)  
  
All: We have defeated the monsters! We have defeated the vile! We have won! We are victorious! We have done what no other hero could!  
  
Pierre: Faced our fears!  
  
Sprigg: Banished the dark!  
  
Van: Summoned our courage!  
  
Irenes: And destroyed the evil!  
  
Together: Today we are victorious, hooray!!!! (great applause. the foursome get a standing ovation. they bow, and the curtain falls)  
  
  
  
Korcha vs. Bizarro Korcha  
  
Korcha was a nice kid. He had a nice mommy and a nice sister. His nice dad was no longer around, though. But he lived in a nice town, with nice people. There was a nice bar in town, with a nice barmaid and a nice cook. There was a clinic also, with a nice doctor, and a shrine with a nice shrine maiden. The food was nice, the drinks were nice, the people were nice, even the weapons and armor were nice. And when Korcha took Bizarro Korcha fishing, he was being very nice indeed.  
  


Until he pushed him in the water.  
  
  
  
Fargo vs. Bizarro Fargo.  
  
"Arr," said Fargo.  
  
"Arr," said Bizarro Fargo.  
  
"Arr!" exclaimed Fargo.  
  
"Arr!" exclaimed Bizarro Fargo.  
  
"ARR!" shouted Fargo.  
  
"ARR!" shouted Bizarro Fargo.  
  
"ARR!!!" roared Fargo.  
  
"ARR!!!" roared Bizarro Fargo.  
  
A pause. Fargo keelhauled Bizarro Fargo and saw "Pirates of Penzance".  
  
  
  
Sneff vs. Bizarro Sneff; Steena vs. Bizarro Steena  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Sneff ffamily's magic show!" Sneff took a bow, receiving a scattered applause. "Ffor my ffirst trick," he began, "I will need the help of my lovely assistant, Steena!" At her cue, Steena seductively walked on the stage, wearing only a silver bikini with trusses. The audience hooted and whistled at her appearance.  
"We are going to do the old 'knives in a basket' trick," said Steena, "but first, Sneff will make me appear in two places at once, then make one of us disappear!" At the sound of the two simple tricks, the audience cheered wildly--mostly because Steena was single again and was looking to change that. Sneff guided Steena onto a platform, chanted out some strange words, and in a poof of smoke, Bizarro Steena appeared, wearing the exact same thing!  
"Ta-daa!" shouted Sneff dramatically, waving his hands in the air. The audience went berserk at the sight of two Steenas. Bizarro Steena smiled, seductively crawled into a tiny basket, and waited.  
"(Do you have the real swords?)" whispered Steena. Sneff winked and produced several very sharp blades.  
"Now I need complete silence ffor this trick to work!" shouted Sneff, tossing a blade up in the air several times. The audience hushed, and carefully, Sneff thrust the sharp sword in the basket. Silence. Another sword. Three swords. Five. Seven. Eight--  
"Okay, I think you've had enough swords," said Steena hastily, forcing Sneff to drop the eighth sword. He frowned sadly, but continued the act and walked over to the basket. Several chanted words were spoken, and when he opened the basket...  
"Well, she has left us," said Sneff gravely. The audience only cringed as Sneff threw the basket into a furnace.  
"And now," said Steena, stepping closer to the audience so they could forget about the previous "trick", "Sneff will saw someone in half."  
  
Booing and hissing filled the air.  
  
"Or should I say... Sneff will saw himself in half?" The audience cheered at the sound of this new trick. No magician, no matter how skilled or tricky they were, could never hope to saw themselves in half. Naturally, Sneff had a trick up his sleeve, and with a few chanted words, Bizarro Sneff appeared! The audience didn't like the idea of having Sneff saw Bizarro Sneff in half, but went along with the act anyway.  
Steena helped Bizarro Sneff into the box, making sure that he fit in. Sneff picked up an old saw from his pile of sharp objects, sneered, threw the saw away, and picked out a powerful chainsaw. With freakish glee, Sneff powered the noisy saw up and hastily sliced through the box, cleaving Bizarro Sneff in two. The audience ate it up.  
"Thank you, thank you," said Sneff, taking Steena's hand as they bowed. "Thank you! We'll show the act again in three days!" But the audience wasn't cheering because the act would come again soon--in fact, they weren't even cheering for Sneff as he bowed deeply, if you know what I mean.  
  
  
  
Lucca vs. Bizarro Lucca  
  
"I love Crono I love Crono I love Crono I love Crono I love..."  
"I hope I was never this air-headed when I was younger!" exclaimed Lucca as she blasted her opposite's pretty little head off. "Besides," she noted coyly, "I do love Crono, and Marle, but I'm so totally in love with Lynx!" With that, she did her old victory dance, laughed insanely, and skipped along to join the others.  
  
  
  
Lynx vs. Bizarro Lynx  
  
"Die!" Bizarro Lynx swung his scythe at his weaker self, grinning viciously as he saw blood. Blood pleased him very much, very much indeed, especially the blood of his opponents. Lynx was strong, to be sure, and for awhile he could hold his own, but against a monster such as Bizarro Lynx, he never stood a chance.  
"You... will never... win," muttered Lynx, nursing his wound. Bizarro Lynx only grinned.  
"But I already have," he replied darkly. Lynx growled and hissed at his foe. In a sudden burst of energy, the demi-human charged towards his enemy, thoughts of Lucca and Serge supporting him as he fought. And yes, thoughts of his daughter... His daughter...  
"OOF!" A powerful blow by Bizarro Lynx knocked Lynx away, debilitating him for good. This was the Lynx that had worked for FATE, the one that burned Lucca's house down, killed Schala's daughter-clone, and nearly killed Lucca. This was the Lynx that stole Serge's identity, spread hate throughout the land, double-crossed Porre and Acacia, terminated Prometheus, and this was the Lynx that Kid so desired to kill...  
"Oi!" The wounded Lynx struggled to look up. He managed to make out the image of his daughter, standing there innocently, a smile playing on her mouth. Seagulls crowed in the distance.  
"Kid?" whispered Lynx. In a sudden burst, Kid leaped forward, standing between the two demi-humans. For a moment, only the silence and the gulls permeated the thick air. Kid stood, her dagger shining in the sun, her eyes darting towards both Lynxes. Bizarro Lynx sneered gleefully.  
"Finish him off, Kid," he growled. "Finish him off, just like you've always wanted to." Kid smiled and nodded.  
"Yeah, like I always wanted to." Suddenly, she lurched forward, ramming her blade through Bizarro Lynx's stomach. For a brief moment, he paused, gaping down at the fiery thief. "That was for everything," she whispered, a dark growl in her hushed voice. "Everything." She yanked the dagger out, and stepped away as her true foe fell down on the sand, dead.  
  


It was over. Finally, it was really over. Kid sighed, dropped her dagger in the sand, and quietly stepped over to the other Lynx--the Lynx that Lucca, her sister and her mother, had fallen in love with. The Lynx that...... was her father.  
"Dad?" whispered Kid, a shiver in her voice. Lynx looked up wearily, his injury healing. Kid smiled weakly, helping her one-time enemy up. "Dad?" she whispered again, swallowing tears.  
"Kid," said Lynx softly, "you called me dad..." She sniffled, unable to prevent the tears.  
"Y-yeah. A-ain't that what kids call their fathers?" She chuckled, sniffled, and rushed forward to wrap her arms around her father. "Daddy!" she squealed, burying her face in his shoulder. Lynx sighed, stroking his furry hand down his daughter's neck.  
"My precious daughter," he growled.  
"I... I-I love y-you, d-dad," stuttered Kid, kissing his neck. Lynx smiled.  
"And I love you, Kid. More than you could ever imagine."  
  
  
**  
Adventures in New York, Act IX: The Long and Winding Road**  
  


"Well," sighed General Viper, "all good things must come to an end." He smiled at the large crowd before him. Mixed in the menagerie of characters were lovers and friends, humans and demi-humans, old and young, former enemies and loved ones, old friends and new faces. Bizarro Riddel and Karsh were getting along very well, and whispers of wedding bells went around the group. As for the two Seifers and two Harles, well, never was there a cuter and more unlikely couple.  
  


And who would've suspected that Janice would be with Serge?!  
  


"Yes," said Glenn, his arm around Leena. "We've had some good times in this trip, but now I can genuinely say that it's time to go home."  
"For real!" smiled Janice. "I've enjoyed the time I spent with you all, but I think Sergiekins and I need some time alone."  
"As do we," giggled Leena.  
"As do we," said Norris, his hand subtly clasping Orlha's.  
"Yeah, us too!" grinned Bizarro Riddel, her arm over Karsh's neck.  
"We all do," said Fargo, letting some air out his mouth. Viper nodded his head.  
"Well then, it's time to head home."  
"But how're we gonna get there?" asked Miki. Nobody knew.  
"Hey you guys!" shouted Greco. Everyone turned towards him. "Look what I found! Horses! And there's enough for everyone to ride!"  
"How convenient," mumbled Luccia. Lucca smiled.  
"I think I'll have to take it easy," she said.  
"Why?" asked her beloved. Her face turned beet-red.  
"Well," she muttered, "while you were at the hospital, I went over to my doctor, right? Well, it ah... turns out that I, ah..." She paused, blushing so much that it looked like her face was on fire.  
"Yes?" said Lynx, goading her on. She giggled uncontrollably.  
"I found out that I'm gonna have another baby," she smiled. Every mouth in the group gaped open in surprise, but none more than Lynx's, Kid's, and Luccia's.  
"You are!!?" squealed Lynx, and Lucca joyfully nodded her head. Lynx laughed merrily, twirling his lover around in the air.  
"Oi, ya hear that, mate?" asked Kid, poking Serge's side. "Looks like we're gettin' another lil' brother or sister in the mix! Heh, you rock, mom 'n dad!" The two lovers grinned foolishly and kissed, and soon everyone mounted their new rides, Lynx being extra careful with Lucca. In a wild fit of adventure and fun, the heroes and heroines galloped off into the sunset, somewhat sad that their road trip was over, but at the same time, glad that they were finally heading home. They had been through much, and would go through much more in the future, but as long as the group held each other close, they would always come out victorious.  
  


And so the Chrono Cross gang bade farewell to New York as they rode off into the sunset.  
  
  
  
  
  


"Hey guys?" said Karsh nervously.  
"Yes?" He shivered.  
"I STILL GOTTA USE THE BATHROOM!!!!!!"  
"Oh, no!"  
  


__

Bum bum bummm!!  


****

  
THE END


End file.
